fertility

All Natural!

/ Hilary / 3 Comments

Wahoo! I got a period, all on my own.

Not the reaction my husband thought I would give when I told him the news. Yes, I am bummed that we aren’t pregnant this month, BUT I got a period ON MY OWN.

Yes, I am bummed that we aren’t pregnant this month, BUT I got a period ON MY OWN.

This is huge and wonderful as I’ve been wanting my body to have some more normalcy through this process, as opposed to simply reacting to the medications the doctors give me.

It seems as though the last two cycles, my body has been sleeping and each medication is like waking from a nap, not knowing what time of day it is, what day it is, how long you’ve been sleeping… confusion and then reaction. There are times when I will wake from a nap in a panic that I’ve missed something. That fearful panic is real, for a moment.

I just wonder if this is how my body is responding to the medication… like it’s being woken up from a nap and it’s in reaction mode. In some ways, forced to perform.

When things are forced, it’s not as easy and free-flowing.

BUT, with a natural period, my body did it all on its own!

I didn’t have to take Provera to force a bleed and so maybe this month my body will bring its “A” game, functioning out of natural process versus medically induced.

I will take Clomid to help with the ovulation process, but maybe this time, I won’t need to be ‘triggered’ for ovulation… is it possible that my body is fully awake this month?

I am hopeful today.

This past month has been a turning point for me.

I will admit, for many months and years now I have not been too excited to enter into parenthood. I have seen others around me become parents and observe the shift in life and I have not been too motivated to want that life change for myself. If anything, I return to my safe space in my house relieved I don’t have children running around.

I have felt like a bad woman, like I have a horrible heart, for not pining after a baby like I hear many of my friends comment as they have strong desires for their own babies.

I am really happy in my life with my husband and am incredibly content with the life of 2.

Yes, I do want to have a family and have people I get to help grow and influence and love. Sitting back, watching them grow, explore, learn.

I am afraid of the sacrifice.

Giving all of me to someone else who is completely dependent on me. I am scared I won’t be able to receive the responsibility well and that I will push my children away.

They are so malleable and I don’t want to mess them up with my own fears and insecurities, or my own missteps. Lord knows I make enough willful decisions on my own, let alone affecting another person.

Maybe being a parent will help me become a better version of myself.

I don’t know how I will behave when there is someone else who needs me continuously. I want to say to them, “Stop it!”, “Figure it out on your own!”

Where is the compassion, love, patience, tolerance in that? I don’t feel ready. Will I ever be ready?

I guess not, no one really is ready.

I know how much children can cause a rift in the parents, in the marriage. I like my marriage and I don’t want to be too tired to engage with my husband. I don’t want to give so much to my children that I don’t have anything to give to him.

It’s not that I don’t want kids. It’s that I’m scared of myself and the unknowns of what that role and responsibility will look like in my day in and day out life routine.

Over the past few weeks though, I have been able to push aside the fears and see the beauty of holding and caring for another human being. I have begun to get excited to be a mom and to recognize how much of a gift it will be to raise another person.

The Big “O”

/ Hilary / 3 Comments

Stay calm, serene, relaxed. do anything I can to avoid stress.

Waiting for a positive indication on the ovulation stick to affirm that my body is working and ready.

Day 12– a big ‘O’ starred at me. Taunting me.

Day 13- a big ‘O’ sat there on the screen. Unapologetic.

Day 14– error.

What? Something happened where I need to retest but have to wait a few hours to pee again. So I wait until the afternoon hours to retest, wondering if this will be the day that I see that blinking smiley face. Fearful that I won’t and even more fearful that I won’t ovulate this month.

I asked about The Shot. You know the one that you can get that will essentially jump start ovulation. My doctor hesitated a moment because she explained that since my day 14 is on a Sunday, we would have to wait until Day 15 and by that point, it may be too late. Ugh! What is up with the timing of all of this?! Everything has to be so precise- to the day.

It reminds me that this act of creating a baby IS a miracle and that our bodies are created to precision. There is no mistake in the way God has made us and no science more powerful than Gods will.

If He wants us to get pregnant, we will get pregnant. I do believe this. And with that- I will rest and relax into the process.

Day 14- afternoon- I retest and it’s still a big “O”. Really? I guess nothing about this process is going to be easy for us.

 Day 15– Call the doctors.
Onto the next step… another doctors appointment tomorrow to see what’s going on.

Double the Dose of Clomid

/ Hilary / 4 Comments

Ok so I freaked out in a recent post because of my fear that I would have to wait more time than I already need to because I don’t have a natural period. Thankfully, two days after I completed the 10 days of Provera, I got a bleed. Short, one-day bleed that constitutes my day 1, wahoo!

Again, it’s the small things that I need to celebrate on this road and if it’s a bleed, I’ll take it. This is a sign that I have another month of hope for becoming pregnant and the fun can begin.

The OB wasn’t able to get me in for an ultrasound until day 4 and when they did, they did not see any signs of PCOs. What? I am pretty confused by this point as my ultrasound in 2016 clearly showed a string of pearl like visual in my ovaries. Not today.

I do not know what this means about my diagnosis and what I need to be doing for my health, but I am just trying to go with it. Trusting the doctors are the experts and possibly see this all the time, I am choosing to let go and be apart of the strategic process.

They did see the cyst again that appears to be next to my uterus and has not changed in size, so they are not concerned, so I won’t be concerned.

All clear to start round 2 of Clomid, doubling the dose, days 5-9 of my cycle! Praying for good healthy follicles to grow so we can get this show on the road!

Today I am hopeful.

Possible Blockage?

/ Hilary / 1 Comment

Could it be that I have a blockage in my right ovary?

 Curious question for my massage therapist to ask me as I was lying face down on the table. She had just begun my deep tissue massage and after asking a few questions as to what brought me in, picked up on the fact that we are trying to become pregnant.

I welcome any feedback from body workers as well as doctors but this question came as a surprise. I noticed she had paused over my lower back area and was still.

“Has my right ovary experienced any trauma in the past, such as a miscarriage or something else?”- she asked.

“No, not that I know of.”- I replied.

She continued with the massage and at the end, I asked her to explain more.

Clarifying that she is not a doctor, she mentioned she could just sense that there may have been some damage caused by trauma or possibly something I was born with that is causing my right ovary to be weak and potentially blocked.

The left is strong and feels to be working well, but she suggested that before we pour money into any major fertility endeavors it may be something for my doctor to look into.

I left with a little skepticism mixed with curiosity. Could a blockage be part of the issue? I was determined to find out.