Clomid

Double the Dose

/ Hilary / 2 Comments

-D8OjkIt_400x400.jpgDoubling the dose of estrogen is leaving me feeling bloated and blah. Not very attractive to say the least and I just have to keep remembering… “this feeling is not going to last forever.”

It’s day 13 of my cycle and I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to feel. I’ve been on double the dose of estrogen for 3 days and am praying my lining is getting thicker. We will find out at the next ultrasound how my body is reacting.

I want to be excited and hopeful of what is possible and yet I also am even more hesitant to believe we will become pregnant after two cycles of feeling let down.

The beauty in the journey thus far is how much I have learned through each cycle… about myself and the power of surrender.

Four cycles ago, I was plotting and planning and trying to control when and how everything would come together and today I feel like we will just give it a try and see what happens.

Tomorrow I will go in for an ultrasound to see what is going on and what’s been growing. I’m a little nervous. I’d love to see more than one follicle this time (last time there was only one but the time before there were two). I need to lower my expectations and be happy with whatever is going on in there.

As I think about the appointment, I lay my hands on my belly and pray for healthy growth and positive hormone progression. I pray for God to bless this week and for acceptance of his will in our lives this week.

My prayer is that this week will not become too clinical between Hubby and myself. That we may continue to enjoy each other and have fun with this process.

In some ways, I’m not looking forward to this week because of the build-up it caused that last time around. The obsessive thoughts after I ovulated and the two weeks of unknown mixed with anticipation.

All I can focus on is today and not worry about tomorrow or next week. Staying present in the day and remaining hopeful of what miracles are possible.

Miracle Grow

/ Hilary / 1 Comment

Hooray! A period comes and I am officially able to start my new cycle. What a relief that is to know that I get another opportunity to become pregnant.

I’ve been sensitive to the words I am choosing to use.

  • I talk about us going through fertility treatments as opposed to we are struggling with infertility.
  • I say that I ‘get’ to have a period to kick-start a new cycle as opposed to having to have a period which means we aren’t pregnant.
  • I remain hopeful for the journey to be an experience that will shape my character as opposed to a victim-fill, woe is me, this is so hard and why-is-it-happening-to-me type mentality.

I call my OBGYN and they get me in for an ultrasound. Everything looks clear and ready for a new round of Clomid.

Let’s do this!

My lining is still incredibly thin (what’s new there?) so they want me to up the dose of estrogen to two patches and begin on Day 10.

I also provoke the conversation around the dosage of Clomid. In my book, it needs to be increased. That is without medical training or understanding of the medication but what I know is I’m not yet pregnant and want to explore every option.

My OB takes a look at our last cycle and agrees. My follicle only grew to 20

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mm before they gave me the Trigger shot and for being on Clomid, that seems a bit sm

all to her.

The script read: 150mg of Clomid

Three chalky white pills a day for 5 days… miracle grow.

Grow follicles, grow!

The Big “O”

/ Hilary / 3 Comments

Stay calm, serene, relaxed. do anything I can to avoid stress.

Waiting for a positive indication on the ovulation stick to affirm that my body is working and ready.

Day 12– a big ‘O’ starred at me. Taunting me.

Day 13- a big ‘O’ sat there on the screen. Unapologetic.

Day 14– error.

What? Something happened where I need to retest but have to wait a few hours to pee again. So I wait until the afternoon hours to retest, wondering if this will be the day that I see that blinking smiley face. Fearful that I won’t and even more fearful that I won’t ovulate this month.

I asked about The Shot. You know the one that you can get that will essentially jump start ovulation. My doctor hesitated a moment because she explained that since my day 14 is on a Sunday, we would have to wait until Day 15 and by that point, it may be too late. Ugh! What is up with the timing of all of this?! Everything has to be so precise- to the day.

It reminds me that this act of creating a baby IS a miracle and that our bodies are created to precision. There is no mistake in the way God has made us and no science more powerful than Gods will.

If He wants us to get pregnant, we will get pregnant. I do believe this. And with that- I will rest and relax into the process.

Day 14- afternoon- I retest and it’s still a big “O”. Really? I guess nothing about this process is going to be easy for us.

 Day 15– Call the doctors.
Onto the next step… another doctors appointment tomorrow to see what’s going on.

Double the Dose of Clomid

/ Hilary / 4 Comments

Ok so I freaked out in a recent post because of my fear that I would have to wait more time than I already need to because I don’t have a natural period. Thankfully, two days after I completed the 10 days of Provera, I got a bleed. Short, one-day bleed that constitutes my day 1, wahoo!

Again, it’s the small things that I need to celebrate on this road and if it’s a bleed, I’ll take it. This is a sign that I have another month of hope for becoming pregnant and the fun can begin.

The OB wasn’t able to get me in for an ultrasound until day 4 and when they did, they did not see any signs of PCOs. What? I am pretty confused by this point as my ultrasound in 2016 clearly showed a string of pearl like visual in my ovaries. Not today.

I do not know what this means about my diagnosis and what I need to be doing for my health, but I am just trying to go with it. Trusting the doctors are the experts and possibly see this all the time, I am choosing to let go and be apart of the strategic process.

They did see the cyst again that appears to be next to my uterus and has not changed in size, so they are not concerned, so I won’t be concerned.

All clear to start round 2 of Clomid, doubling the dose, days 5-9 of my cycle! Praying for good healthy follicles to grow so we can get this show on the road!

Today I am hopeful.

Back on BC

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

download.jpgTwo weeks ago, I met my OBGYN doctor for the first time. She was absolutely…

Serious.

Not a lot of ‘bedside manner’. She spoke from experience with numerous facts about the successful pregnancies she’s experienced with other patients with PCOS. I immediately felt comfortable with her expertise and assurance that we would most-likely become pregnant.

Before we began talking logistics, I shared with her the results of my husband’s ‘swimmers’. Not only was she impressed with how good they look (nice job Honey), but also that we had this test completed prior to my appointment with her.

Note to others: get hubby checked prior to fertility consult. Hubby wasn’t at all thrilled with the idea of having to provide a sample, but I reminded him of how many times I have to put my feet in those straps to posture vulnerable to doctors and nurses… one sample can’t compare. Looking for a place? He went through Conceptions.

After about 20 minutes of discussing with my new friend the OB Dr., we had a plan.

  • Step 1: I am to start on birth control in order to force my body into having a period.
  • Step 2: On the day of my first true bleed (not just spotting), I am to contact OB Dr. to get a prescription of Clomid.
  • Step 3: On days 3-8 I am to take Clomid.
  • Step 4: On days 10-20ish? I am to pee on Ovulation sticks
  • Goal: To ovulate.

If I don’t ovulate, they will increase the dosage of Clomid for the next month. If I do ovulate, have at it and pray for pregnancy.

With a thin uterine lining, it may be necessary for me to return to those sticky estrogen patches (ick!). She said Clomid thins out the uterine lining even more… so that may be a necessity. Praying for God to do miracles!

We will to this for 6 months, which at that point if not pregnant, she will refer me to a Fertility specialist. Come on God!

One caveat to the Clomid is we must be prepared for the potential of twins (eek! ok I’m actually super excited about that idea). She said it’s about a 10% chance that we would have twins. After a little hesitation, we agreed that two babies is better than none and would gratefully welcome twins into our family.

So back onto birth control I am, with my emotions all over the place, my face breaking out with all sorts of acne, my boobs ever so sore, and what feels like 100lbs of weight gain (only a few pounds) that feels like water weight/bloatedness, ick. Not to mention I am crying A LOT… uncontrollable sobbing, Niagra falls of tears rushing down my face.

Not the most fun past few weeks as it feels like I’m experiencing one BIG cycle to make up for all those I have missed. Yet, I am open to anything and reminding me it’s a temporary discomfort.

This weekend, I went to my nephews 1st birthday party. It was adorable to see all the new babies amidst the older siblings playing in the jumpy-set.

A high school friend was there with her husband and twin 11-week old babies. They were absolutely precious and it was such a gift to talk with them. Their journey to these babies has been long and emotional as well. She too has PCOS and shared some wonderful tidbits of what she learned along the way.

I love how openly people are willing and able to speak about their own journey to growing a family and understand the power in sharing.

My desire is for more people share, to give hope and experience while offering an ear to simply listen. The longing for something in life that cannot be controlled is universal. Desiring to meet your life partner, wanting so badly to grow a family, praying for the health of a loved one… these heart’s desires that can’t be fulfilled by ‘willing’ anything to happen.

It’s the practice of patience, trust, and gratitude for what is here now.

I feel like I’m a broken record in all my writing, in all my thinking. I know in my head what is the ‘right’ posture as I journey through my days, yet I let my negativity and dissatisfaction of aspects of my life shadow the beauty.

Caring too much? Thinking too much? Possibly.

My prayer is that through these next few months… (ok, I’ll start off small)… through this week, I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

(ok, I’ll start off small)… through this week, I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.