Uh, what? In a crowd full of 5,000 people you want me to stand and become vulnerable to those around me with my current struggle?

Writing about my experience on this journey is one thing as it’s just me and my computer, music playing in the background and then clicking ‘publish’. Standing in front of people who can see me, can touch me, can watch the tears stream down my face is a new level of vulnerability…

and yet, I stood.

Gift of Worship

I was given the ticket to the Bethel Worship night as a birthday gift from a few of my girlfriends. Excited to rock out to Jesus Loving music with a dear friend, I was expecting a night of worship and uplifting words. Little did I know that Kris Vallotton from Bethel Church would be there to give a mini-sermon (which was incredible) and then, later on, pray for specific people.

As soon as he began speaking, I wished I had recorded him. Here are a few phrases he shared that struck me:

• “Respond to the vision we have at the watering hole of our imagination.”
• “We tend to become what we think the most important person in our life things we are.”
• “Physical act bring spiritual obedience”
• “We are made in His image and in His likeness… therefore being amazing is spiritual… false humility is killing us… we are supposed to act like God”
• “The more I know Jesus, the more I know me”
• “Jesus was the model, God is the artist, I am the painting”

I may have to write more on each of these as they had so much power last night. Reframing my mind around what my relationship with the Lord is to look like.

Kris gained my attention with his words and we proceeded into worship with Bethel music… moving to say the least.

Gift of Prayer

Prayers for various people struggling with depression, anxiety, insomnia, and other mental diagnosis set the stage for what was about to happen. As we were praying for ‘those’ people, I started praying that God would heal my body. If He could heal people’s minds, can’t He heal my womb?

As I placed my hand on my womb, Kris went there. He asked anyone who has been trying to get pregnant to stand and cautioned anyone who didn’t really want to become pregnant not to as he has seen success 9 months after praying in many couples.

He asked anyone who has been trying to get pregnant to stand and cautioned anyone who didn’t really want to become pregnant not to as he has seen success 9 months after praying in many couples. My dear friend, Marin, grabbed my hand, supportive and caring.

I stood and received.

With tears rolling down my face (where did these come from?), I asked God to heal my body and to grant us space and ability to “be fruitful and multiply”!

I want to believe in the healing power of Jesus and I want to believe there is truth and validity in prophetic healing power and so I am choosing to receive the prayers. If I am honest, I do have a little fear/skepticism… does it really happen? I want to believe it does and will, but what if it doesn’t? Does that mean God didn’t hear the prayer or hat God is making it clear that I am not to have a baby? Or maybe it’s not the right timing… that he heard the prayers but he knows something that I don’t.

Either way, I trust in God and what he is doing in and through me. I pray to be used to shine His light, to give my life to share the Good News.

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last wrote. To be honest, every time I thought to write, I wasn’t even sure where to begin. Mainly because there hasn’t really been anything to write about. The last time I wrote, I shared of our momentary adventure into the world of fostering-to-adopt. Such an eye-opening experience and one that we are still very much open to, but not right now.

The last time I wrote, I shared of our momentary adventure into the world of fostering-to-adopt. Such an eye-opening experience and one that we are still very much open to, but not right now.

To be completely honest, I’m not ready to adopt. The lifestyle we have is comfortable and we are very happy lounging together on the couch on a Sunday afternoon, picking up and going skiing on a given Tuesday, heading out for a date night on a random Thursday all without having to find a babysitter is wonderful. We are enjoying each other and the precious time we get to spend together.

Maybe it’s just in my head, but if we were to get pregnant ‘naturally’ we would be elated and excited to make the lifestyle changes to welcome a little one into our world. The process of adoption seems like an ongoing conscious decision and investment that for some reason does not seem like the right thing right now.

So, this is where we are. It’s been 3 months since I had a period and unfortunately, I have not seen one of the much coveted ‘:-)’ on the Ovulation stick since January. It’s pretty hard to track any sort of cycle without the major indicators, so I have hung low and not thought too much about ‘trying’, whatever that means.

To be honest, I didn’t really know what the next right thing to do was, which is why I have stayed stagnant for the past few months. I was super discouraged after January when I had so much hope of what could be.

I let myself just relax around the baby thinking, ovulation-tracking, mucus-checking mindset. Gave me permission to focus on other things such as my business and the part-time job.

A few weeks ago, I enjoyed coffee with a dear friend (15 years older than I) who shared about her struggles of becoming pregnant. I recall this struggle of hers but was too young to really understand and yet, here she sits with 3 amazing children and a story of patience, trust, and acceptance. She even mentioned to me how grateful she is to be an ‘older mom’. How encouraging this was for me to hear!

Hope awakened.

With the weather changing and the amount of outdoor activity, I feel a sense of refreshing newness. I have desires to clean out the house and start opening up the windows, letting life in. With my husband’s busy season at work winding down, our focus is back to the steps we can take. He will be tested in the next few weeks to see the status of his swimmers and by his proclamation, feels they are as strong as ever :)… true boy.

Our much-awaited fertility appointment with my new OB-GYN is in 2 weeks as well and I’m looking forward to what she may say. Although, I have an inkling she will recommend starting Clomid.

What is it about taking Clomid that is unsettling? I think there is a component about Gods-will that holds me back.  The thoughts and questions about my will vs. His will. An example of what I mean is if God wanted me to be pregnant than He would make it happen and by taking drugs to stimulate ovulation is taking matters into my own hands.

There’s still a part of me that wants to try acupuncture. Wondering if my body has become ‘off’ and thinking if I can align my body correctly, back to how it’s ‘supposed to be’ then I will ‘work right’ again.

So here I sit, wondering what the next thing is and what suits both of us. I know everyone has their own journey and we are on ours. I just wish I understood it a little better.

Babies are being announced and being birthed into this world left and right and I am ecstatic for all of our friends who get to experience the joys of carrying their own baby into this world.

I’m not sure what our story will be, but I am grateful for what God has in store for us. At least, for today, I can see that our lives are blessed by our friends and family. I’m so grateful to be married to an amazing man who I love spending time with and who I enjoy. Today, I choose to focus on what I do have and the quietness of this Easter day.

Waking up to a period when one is hoping to become pregnant is deflating. The weeks leading up are full of unknowns and questions and hopes of what could possibly be. Constantly checking to see if anything is abnormal or feels like symptoms of pregnancy. Just to see the truth that pregnancy is not the reality and another month of ‘trying’ is in store.

For me, I did not receive this clear presentation of reality. I actually would have loved to have received a period to mark a new month of opportunity and possibility of what’s yet to come.

Instead, after using the ‘cycle tracker’ to predict when I should be menstruating, I noticed I had missed the window of my new start. Full of excitement, I pulled out a pregnancy test in the hopes of a miracle and… negative.

Back to square one? How frustrating! I don’t have a day one to base my ovulation of off and could spend the entire month peeing on those darn ovulation sticks each morning. Possibly. I now know that my body has the ability to be ‘normal. Yet, I don’t know what I need to do to make it ‘normal’.

Or maybe this is just a part of the road of life for me. I now know that my body has the ability to be ‘normal. Yet, I don’t know what I need to do to make it ‘normal’.

Maybe that’s the point. I did nothing spectacular to receive my period earlier this year. The one major thing I did differently was to pray for God’s healing in my life and in my womb. It could be that simple. Letting go of the analyzing and trying new things and taking exercise out and taking more naps and on and on.

Finding the balance of taking care of myself without going to the extremes of finding answers that aren’t supposed to be found. Instead of me simply taking in information, I quickly move into “GO” mode with to-do’s and predictors and Google searching advice on the best ways to get pregnant and my mind became consumed with the thought of ‘this is the month to get pregnant!’

“WOAH sister”. That’s what I wanted to tell myself. “Slow down girl, just take the period as a wink to know the impossible IS possible and there is so much more where this came from.”

Instead, I was off to the races, trying to figure out what I could do to get pregnant. Since when did this become about ME and what I have control over?

God is a very big God. All knowing and all powerful, I believe this to be true. I also believe He is the creator and healer. Instead of worshiping the ovulation tracker this month and calculating days, I choose to spend my energy and time worshiping and getting to know Him more and letting my body do what it will do.

I do agree and believe in medical assistance and the amazing knowledge of doctors, it just seems like I can force my wants and timing a little too quickly. So for now, I will rest in this month of letting go and remind myself that I am not in control, so humbling.