Back to Square One?

Waking up to a period when one is hoping to become pregnant is deflating. The weeks leading up are full of unknowns and questions and hopes of what could possibly be. Constantly checking to see if anything is abnormal or feels like symptoms of pregnancy. Just to see the truth that pregnancy is not the reality and another month of ‘trying’ is in store.

For me, I did not receive this clear presentation of reality. I actually would have loved to have received a period to mark a new month of opportunity and possibility of what’s yet to come.

Instead, after using the ‘cycle tracker’ to predict when I should be menstruating, I noticed I had missed the window of my new start. Full of excitement, I pulled out a pregnancy test in the hopes of a miracle and… negative.

Back to square one? How frustrating! I don’t have a day one to base my ovulation of off and could spend the entire month peeing on those darn ovulation sticks each morning. Possibly. I now know that my body has the ability to be ‘normal. Yet, I don’t know what I need to do to make it ‘normal’.

Or maybe this is just a part of the road of life for me. I now know that my body has the ability to be ‘normal. Yet, I don’t know what I need to do to make it ‘normal’.

Maybe that’s the point. I did nothing spectacular to receive my period earlier this year. The one major thing I did differently was to pray for God’s healing in my life and in my womb. It could be that simple. Letting go of the analyzing and trying new things and taking exercise out and taking more naps and on and on.

Finding the balance of taking care of myself without going to the extremes of finding answers that aren’t supposed to be found. Instead of me simply taking in information, I quickly move into “GO” mode with to-do’s and predictors and Google searching advice on the best ways to get pregnant and my mind became consumed with the thought of ‘this is the month to get pregnant!’

“WOAH sister”. That’s what I wanted to tell myself. “Slow down girl, just take the period as a wink to know the impossible IS possible and there is so much more where this came from.”

Instead, I was off to the races, trying to figure out what I could do to get pregnant. Since when did this become about ME and what I have control over?

God is a very big God. All knowing and all powerful, I believe this to be true. I also believe He is the creator and healer. Instead of worshiping the ovulation tracker this month and calculating days, I choose to spend my energy and time worshiping and getting to know Him more and letting my body do what it will do.

I do agree and believe in medical assistance and the amazing knowledge of doctors, it just seems like I can force my wants and timing a little too quickly. So for now, I will rest in this month of letting go and remind myself that I am not in control, so humbling.

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