Author: Hilary

Pajama Day!

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41866_CM3When I was growing up, I loved the different dress up days at school. It was an opportunity to have a break from the routine and do something that I wouldn’t typically choose to do for myself.

My favorite was Pajama Day. Although I rarely wore the PJ’s that I really slept in, I remember thinking how fun it would be just to roll out of bed and walk out the door! In reality, I undressed from my sleep shirt and put on my strategically planned PJ outfit that would make others think these were my real PJ’s. They usually had a color-coordinated and matching print top and bottoms with cute slippers to match. I would tease my hair and put it in a ratty pony-tail just to make the outfit complete.

In high school, we would have Pajama Day as one of the dress-up days during Homecoming Week. I spent more time getting ready to put my PJ’s on for the school day than I did my regular outfits, simply because I wanted to look ‘cute’ in my PJ’s. I was extremely concerned about what my peers would think of me.

Today, my Pajama Days look drastically different. I enjoyed one yesterday in fact and am kind-of enjoying it again today. It is 2pm and I have altered my PJ’s only slightly, but for the most part, I have let myself simply be in a relaxed state of decompression.

Yesterday, I rolled out of bed, enjoyed a nice slow morning of reading the Bible while enjoying the smell of my husband’s coffee (I’m not a big coffee drinker, but LOVE the smell wafting through the family room as we snuggle under the blanket). After lunch, we took a nap and it was at 4:30pm that I showered and headed to the grocery store, just to return to put my PJ’s back on for a night of movie watching.

I began asking myself what it is about a day of complete relaxation (in my PJs) that rejuvenates me. Am I so busy during my week that I do not allow for this uninterrupted down-time, to fill my cup and simply be lazy. I have always liked the idea of a sabbath, but never feel like I have the time to create one in my week. As I write that, I have to laugh… I don’t have enough time to slow down and give my time, space and energy to God. From the very first sentences in the Bible it talks about rest (Genesis 2: 2-3)… and I don’t have enough time to have a sabbath? Eek, I think I need to dig a little deeper here.

How is it that I don’t have enough time? When I really get down to it, I see the root of fear of not having enough time… or not trusting that what will get done will get done each week. Wasn’t the sabbath given from God as a gift for us to rest- “so then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God” (Hebrews 4:9).

Here I am trying to build a business (that I feel God has equipped me to create with his help) and I feel like I have so many things to get checked off my list and the very thing that I feel is the most  important in my life (God) is being pushed to the side because I don’t have enough time? I’m off.

So I started today, in my PJ’s.

I had a slow morning with God, and have been pulling scriptures for my coaching packages while listening to my worship music. It’s a start.

I am scared to commit to having a full day of sabbath each week, but I am curious to try it. What would my life look like if I truly disconnected for a day to press into God? I wonder what may change with my approach to coaching, my perspective on my life and how I can help others? May be worth a shot, to let go of my fear of not getting things done and starting to flex that muscle of faith; that when I put God first, he is the one who guides my steps.

Sabbath doesn’t mean that I will sit at home and do absolutely nothing (although that may be nice for a few hours)… but it can mean for me to unplug from my work and enjoy the sunshine, go for a walk, read a leisure book, take a nap, have unscheduled time… let go and let God.

Just One More Thing…

/ Hilary / 3 Comments

Famous last phrase.

I get so wrapped up into my days and wanting to accomplish my to-do list that I find myself saying, “Just one more thing”. Trying to squeeze another thing into my day which only makes my life and me more crazy more unmanageable.

I want to feel accomplished each day and I want to get as much done in order for me to then relax. I laugh as I write that, because how many times have I approached my to-do list with this mindset and then I don’t really get to relax because I don’t have enough time to once my list is completed… Or I don’t get the chance to relax because my list continues to grow as I go throughout my day.

The red flag for me is when I am running errands or working on tasks and it’s time for me to change my focus and I say, “Just one more thing”. Or when I’m driving home and I need to be home to do something and I think I can squeeze in one more stop… “Just one more place”.

Typically, I then feel rushed and my focus turns to completing the task as quickly as possible and this inevitably causes me to feel anxious and impatient with the people I’m around. Either people aren’t working fast enough to check me out in a store, people aren’t driving fast enough, there’s too much traffic and I am irritable at others and then I beat myself up for choosing to do that ‘one more thing’ when I know I fall into this situation each time I give into that darn phrase.

“Just one more thing” equates to “I don’t trust I’ll have time at another time to complete this so I must do it now’… NOT TRUSTING the time God has given me for the tasks I was to complete.

What if I looked at it as though the work and errands I didn’t complete weren’t supposed to get done that day and to ask for another time in the near future to complete them.

Why do I feel as though the plans I make for my day are the best plans and that I need to accomplish them in order to be accomplished? Is it that I find value and worth in what I accomplish?

My prayer is to use the phrase “just one more thing” to be reminded to go to God in faith that what I have done is enough and that I can let go of my to-do list and instead of be in the hubbub of busyness but to rest in the margin of life.

 

Leaving the Comfortable for a Shot at the Dream

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imgresFor the past three years, I have had the pleasure of working for a school that not only strives to educate each student, but also equip the next generation to serve others.

Mullen High School‘s motto being, “Enter to Learn, Leave to Serve” penetrates the hallways as students are encouraged to do selfless acts while growing in their academic pursuits. A bit refreshing with the way it seems the younger generations tend to be more ‘navel gazers’ or ‘screen watchers’, lacking the ability to hold interpersonal conversations and patiently enjoy dinner out with the family without being on an iPad or smart phone.

I was hired at Mullen the week before the 2013-14 school year began and little did I know it would be the very opportunity to change my perspective on high school education.

Mullen is a private Lasallian Catholic school, run by a imgresPresident & Board and Principal, and is a part of a larger district of schools across the US. The Lasallian approach towards education adheres to the 5 Core Principles, a well-rounded approach for students to learn and grow as was given by the founder Saint John Baptist de La Salle.

Beyond the Lasallian experience, working for Mullen has helped restore my thoughts of today’s school system as each teacher and administrator truly cares for the good of each student.Each educator is committed to growing the students and becoming better themselves. As technology progresses, Mullen encourages and emphasizes the importance of growth within the educators to use technology to reach their students while teaching them the appropriate use of technology. It is known as a 1-to-1 school using the iPad as the main resource and tool during learning. Students learn technology as a tool rather than a toy.

The students I have been working with over these past three years have been absolutely wonderful. Their respect for the educators and the Lasallian heritage is incredible to see as each student truly appreciates the opportunities afforded to them by attending Mullen. Students have the opportunity to grow academically, personally and also spiritually as there are retreats for each level. The most unique is the KAIROs experience for Juniors. I had the privilege of attending two while at Mullen and both were life-changing experiences. LT4!

Walking alongside each of the students has enabled me to live many lives as each bring me through their current life challenges and triumphs. Needless to say, I’ve developed special relationships with many of them… and I will sincerely miss seeing them each day.

It was a joy to serve as a counselor and volleyball coach for the Mullen students. Over the past few months, it has become clear to me that it is time for me to move on from serving as counselor at Mullen. As my desire to grow our family increases as well as my aspiration to pursue my personal dreams of owning and running my own company, it is time for me to say good-bye to Mullen as my ‘work home’. It is my hope to continue supporting Mullen in the stands as I believe in the Lasallian education and the work Mullen is doing in the community.

As I walk down this new path, with new personal and professional goals in sight, I pray for the continued mission of Mullen. I have my own fears of what lies ahead and all the unknowns that will be revealed in due time.

For today, I reflect with gratitude on my experience at Mullen: the friends I’ve made and the personal & professional learning opportunities I can take with me. I will continue to ask God for guidance for my next steps into this new adventure of my life, trusting in the journey for what lies ahead.

Live Jesus in our Hearts, Forever!

Last Pill For a While

/ Hilary / 1 Comment

10 days of Progesterone and I feel like I have been experiencing constant PMS. Edgy, irritated, sensitive, emotional, tired and pretty much ‘over it’. I took my last Progesterone pill last night and will wait to see if I get a withdrawal bleed. All this in hopes that my brain will get the jump start it needs to start talking to my ovaries to create regular periods. Best case, I have a few days of bleeding which may trigger my body to get into motion. Worst case, I don’t have any bleeding and remain as I am. This is the third time I’ve been on Progesterone this year and am trying to remain hopeful, but it’s hard.

I am used to getting let down in this area of my life. For the past 17 years, I have been on medications to help ‘figure my system out’ and there are still no answers. Maybe there will never be a specific diagnosis or cause for my body to not produce a period. Although I have multiple Cysts in my ovaries, some doctors would rule our PCOS because I didn’t get a withdrawal bleed. Others would ask for me to go onto Metformin before that diagnose can be ruled out.

Either way, can I accept that I may never fully know the answer to why? Am I able to find peace without an answer?

I’m working towards that. Simply because sometimes in life, there isn’t an answer.

Our next steps would be to go to a Reproductive Specialist or Fertility doctor. I’m not opposed to that next phase, but I do feel, at this point,  like pausing the doctors visits and instead focusing on simply living into my life as much as I’m able to this fall. There are a lot of changes in both my and my husbands life. He just changed companies of employment and I continue to build my business and feel it’s good to invest my time, energy and focus into this area of my life before we ‘work’ to have a baby.

Of course we will continue to ‘try’ (I mean, I love my hubby and he’s pretty irresistible) and I may experiment with the basal thermometer again, but as for trying new medications, not right now.

Practicing a state of contentment and peaceful serenity as I enjoy each moment of today. This is the day I have been given, this is the body I have been given, this is the husband, the job, the home, the family, the season. What a gift it is to reflect on the things I do have, versus the things I don’t. It doesn’t take away the desire, but it helps me to see things as they are and allows me to move into a space of acceptance of my life, on life terms.

As I have been writing over the past few months, I have recognized that I’m not alone. There are many women who desire a baby and for one reason or another is not able to experience becoming pregnant (yet). To the single women who desire to meet their husband, to the married ladies who want to have a baby or who miss the single life, to the mothers who want another child or who miss their life without responsibility to a child…. There are always things we want to change about our current circumstances and the best thing we can do is encourage each other in the season we are in, at this moment.

So, I am grateful to be married to the love of my life and growing Kineo Life, my Life Purpose Coaching business. Who knows, maybe I’ll be able to coach other women who are going through similar heartaches.

I will continue to blog on my life and give updates on where I am with this process. We desire very much to grow our family and recognize that sometimes we have to let go before we can receive.

Progesterone- Lucky Round 3?

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I’ve been fighting it. Avoiding it. Not wanting to give in. But at last, I caved.

For the past few months, I was hopeful that I would get a period on my own. I have been on the Estrogen patch for 6 months now and had myself convinced that the little bit of spotting I had about 10 weeks ago was a sign that my body was kicking into gear.

At the beginning of July, I went in for a minor wrist surgery and they were going to be giving me local anesthesia. Upon learning that I have not had a period in almost two years, they quickly ordered a pregnancy test. There was a little hope in me that maybe it would come back positive. For the proceeding 30 minutes of waiting while they did their magic in the lab, I was creating fun ways I would tell Daniel that we were pregnant. I even started thinking about how I did feel sick the last few mornings… maybe I had morning sickness, and I was getting excited!
Oh yes, I let my thoughts ‘go there’ as my expectations and hopes elevated, I knew I was in for a tumble of upset.

Indeed, we are not pregnant and they proceeded with the surgery. Quickly I dropped back to that low, ‘Eeyore’ type mentality around getting pregnant. You know, the donkey from Winnie the Pooh? He is always down, thinking nothing will ever get better. I have the thoughts of: ‘Maybe it won’t happen’… ‘God where are you in this?’… ‘What’s wrong with my body? Why did you make me like this?’ Questions without answers.

Meanwhile, my Endocrin emailed saying it would be good for me to go through 3 rounds of progesterone before moving to Clomid… Bouncing from one medical patient to the next.

I was faced with the inevitable… I needed to go a 2nd round on progesterone. Yet, I held out for three more weeks on the slight chance that my body was on summer vacation and taking it’s sweet time in ovulating and bleeding. No sign.

So here I am, three days into the meds and I feel like my emotions are all over the place. I just got through a ‘heavy’ conversation with my husband about our flight miles! Really? At this moment, anything can set me off into feeling overwhelmed with emotions… and as I sit here and I can see that I‘m emotional for absolutely NO REASON!

I think I need to go wake up my husband to share that it was the progesterone talking. Darn emotions.

Seven more days of this stuff and then we will see what happens. I just hope I can keep a lid on these weird mood swings enough to make it through without saying something I know I’ll regret!

God, grant me peace and offer your grace as I am not strong enough to go through this alone. I’m so grateful you are with me and you know what’s to come.