I’ve been fighting it. Avoiding it. Not wanting to give in. But at last, I caved.
For the past few months, I was hopeful that I would get a period on my own. I have been on the Estrogen patch for 6 months now and had myself convinced that the little bit of spotting I had about 10 weeks ago was a sign that my body was kicking into gear.
At the beginning of July, I went in for a minor wrist surgery and they were going to be giving me local anesthesia. Upon learning that I have not had a period in almost two years, they quickly ordered a pregnancy test. There was a little hope in me that maybe it would come back positive. For the proceeding 30 minutes of waiting while they did their magic in the lab, I was creating fun ways I would tell Daniel that we were pregnant. I even started thinking about how I did feel sick the last few mornings… maybe I had morning sickness, and I was getting excited!
Oh yes, I let my thoughts ‘go there’ as my expectations and hopes elevated, I knew I was in for a tumble of upset.
Indeed, we are not pregnant and they proceeded with the surgery. Quickly I dropped back to that low, ‘Eeyore’ type mentality around getting pregnant. You know, the donkey from Winnie the Pooh? He is always down, thinking nothing will ever get better. I have the thoughts of: ‘Maybe it won’t happen’… ‘God where are you in this?’… ‘What’s wrong with my body? Why did you make me like this?’ Questions without answers.
Meanwhile, my Endocrin emailed saying it would be good for me to go through 3 rounds of progesterone before moving to Clomid… Bouncing from one medical patient to the next.
I was faced with the inevitable… I needed to go a 2nd round on progesterone. Yet, I held out for three more weeks on the slight chance that my body was on summer vacation and taking it’s sweet time in ovulating and bleeding. No sign.
So here I am, three days into the meds and I feel like my emotions are all over the place. I just got through a ‘heavy’ conversation with my husband about our flight miles! Really? At this moment, anything can set me off into feeling overwhelmed with emotions… and as I sit here and I can see that I‘m emotional for absolutely NO REASON!
I think I need to go wake up my husband to share that it was the progesterone talking. Darn emotions.
Seven more days of this stuff and then we will see what happens. I just hope I can keep a lid on these weird mood swings enough to make it through without saying something I know I’ll regret!
God, grant me peace and offer your grace as I am not strong enough to go through this alone. I’m so grateful you are with me and you know what’s to come.