Medication day 10
It’s slower going these days. I thought for sure that starting off on the highest dose of meds would grow these follicles so fast my head would spin.
Okay, maybe not that fast, but I did think I would at least be on track for a ‘normal’ follicle stim cycle.
They are growing, just not fast enough.
I had my appointment yesterday and instead of starting to go to my monitoring appointments every day, meaning that I’m getting closer. I’m still at every other day.
I am not disappointed because this time I’m not surprised.
I’m just scared that there won’t be many more follicles and the ones that we do have won’t grow.
I’m scared to face the possibility that we won’t have another biological child.
That the maternity clothes that I have loaned out to expecting friends won’t need to be returned.
The excitement of news for other friends who share in this exciting journey toward parenting, won’t have a reason to be reciprocated.
My thoughts grow dark as I begin to think that I am not a good enough mom to be gifted with a second.
Or even darker, that Hubby and I are not capable of having a healthy family with another child and that God is protecting us from a future where our marriage is on the rocks.
Either way, my thoughts lead me to “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not deserving”.
I’m glad to know today that these are dark and not true thoughts.
They are just fears mixed with emotion.
Instead of wallowing with these thoughts, I pick up the needles and vials of medicine, click the Gonal-F pen until the number for the correct dose pops up and proceed to do my 1% in this whole process which is to give myself the medicine and relax.
God- help me look to you when my thoughts grow heavy and dim.
Gonal F: 375IU
Follicles: 14, (12, 11, 11, 10, 10, 9, 9)
Medication day 11
Oh, how I cried on the way home from the appointment today.
I could not stop the tears.
I knew I needed to let myself flow with sadness and fear.
What if we won’t get a healthy, viable embryo?
I am not ready to accept that we won’t get pregnant again.
You may be wondering what caused the flood of emotion?
During the ultrasound, today, I only saw 4 noteworthy follicles on my right side.
There were only four there two days ago… and on top of that, they are the same size as they were two days ago.
I can’t believe my body is not responding to the medications.
I feel as though my body is making a line in the sand saying, “I won’t make any more follicles”.
Is my body rebelling against me?
The foods I eat, the supplements I take, the acupuncture, the naps, the walks…
Nothing is working and I feel as though my body is shutting down from making any more follicles.
I get the call from my medical team and they are happy with the overall progress, counting 15 follicles total right now.
My left side is really stepping in it seems.
I feel so defeated, so tired and yet not ready to let go.
This is my last effort for a baby, come on body, keep working, keep pushing!
Gonal F: 375IU
Follicles: 17, 16, 15, 13, 13, (11, 11, 11, 10, 10, 9, 9, 9, 7)
Medication day 12
Another day where I feel like crying, but there are no more tears in there.
I spent some time with God this morning and really surrendered my grip about the number of follicles and the number of eggs and the number this and the number that.
I don’t want to place stock in the numbers, the data, the science.
I already did that last time around and came up empty handed with a lot of heartache.
Every time I go to the doctors I don’t want to focus on the numbers.
I hear this small voice say “I’ve got something better”.
What does that mean?
I feel the doom of dark clouds roll over my thoughts and my heart sink.
In my life, I have learned how I hear best from God.
It’s in these still moments that this little voice of peace comes over me. He’s here, I think.
God is with me.
I try not to argue and instead leave my heart open to receive.
Many times, I’ll hear God answer with one of three responses:
- Not now
- I have something better for you
I’m not always in love with the second or third response and yet I know that is a call for me to practice obedience in my ability to trust that God’s plan and ways are always so much better than mine.
I’m not sure if ‘something better” means He is about to give us multiple healthy wonderful embryos or if this IVF round won’t be successful and something better means an adopted child or even bigger “something better” might mean I will get pregnant all on my own without all of this medication.
Either way- I want to receive this word as a way to feel peace.
God is in these details and I may not know how it will all work out but I can sit back and watch as He does his miracle work.
Nurse Emily calls and I am to do one more night of medication and come in for a final monitoring appointment tomorrow. We are getting closer and depending on how some of these grow tonight, we might be close to triggering for an egg retrieval.
Lord, your will be done.
One win for me: I did not have the same expectations as I did last time around. I am not surprised that my body is taking a little longer to respond and that the follicles are s.l.o.w.l.y. growing. Getting the call from Nurse Emily today to say that we might have another day is no surprise and if anything, I welcome it because it means more time for those littler follicles to grow and potentially become our ONE (or more) babies!
Gonal F: 300IU
Menopur: 300IU (4 vials)
Follicles: 20, 19, 17, 15, 15, 15, 14, (13, 12, 12, 11, 11, 10, 10)
Medication day 13
We continue to do the do… morning shot of Cetrotide, blood work, ultrasound, wait to hear from Nurse Emily and two shots at night.
It’s become such a routine and yet I am so grateful that I get to go through this each day.
By me giving myself shots and driving to the appointments means I’m in the game.
We are still in this!
Today, I got to meet Dr. Brahma in person.
She is absolutely lovely.
Her door was open and she was sitting at her desk as I walked by.
I introduced myself and she invited me in with a warm disposition.
We talked about this cycle and how she is liking what she is seeing with the growth.
This was comforting.
She also adjusted my thinking (again) with the fact that she is looking to get a little over 10 really solid good eggs, thinking between last cycle and this cycle we will have one wonderful embryo.
I do have the same hope.
With a spring in my step after meeting such a caring doctor, I returned home with another night of medications to give my follicles more nutrients to grow!
Gonal F: 375IU
Follicles: 22, 21, 19, 17, 16, 16, 15, 14, 14, 14, 14, 13, 13, 11
Medication day 14
It’s a drizzly day here and it pretty much reflects my mood.
I woke up feeling as though this seems to be dragging on, and yet I also welcome the opportunity for a few more follicles to grow in there to help the chances of a successful outcome.
I give myself the Cetrotide shot, eat my breakfast and head off to another monitoring appointment.
It’s possible that we will ‘trigger’ the ovulation process tonight and schedule the egg retrieval for 2 days from now… or we will do another night of mediations.
I want to stay open… and I also want to return home to sleep in my own bed.
It’s been wonderful to be with family and yet I am ready to return to my normal routine in the comforts of my home.
I remind myself that this could be the last effort for a baby and one more day is worth a lifetime of having a child.
As I lay there on the monitoring table with the ultrasound wand taking pictures of all the beautiful follicles inside of me, I have to praise God for this amazing gift of creating life and surrender what He will end up doing with these follicles.
The sonographer is new and I have to block-out any fear that she doesn’t know what she is doing.
Nurse Emily talks with me briefly after the appointment. She thinks it’s just too close to call and has a slight suspicion that Dr. B will go one more night on the meds.
An inconvenience to use and our desires to return and yet worth the extra 24 hours if that will make all the difference in our future.
At 2pm on the dot she calls.
One more night of medications with a certain trigger tomorrow night.
We adjust all our plans to fit this additional day and look at the good in this opportunity.
Gonal F: 375 IU
Menopur: 225 IU
Follicles: 25, 23, 20, 27, 28, 27, 16, 16, 15, 15, 15, 12, 12, 12, 11, 11, 10