So close… and not yet

Medication day 9, cycle day 11
This time around, I’m not feeling as heavy or as tired.

I remember feeling uncomfortable and worn down by this time. Today, I feel a little pressure and discomfort in my abdomen, but not uncomfortable.

Weirdly enough, this plays games in my head.

What’s wrong? Why am I not feeling as bad?

The best rational I can come up with is that my body was stretched when I carried a baby so there is more room in there for follicles to grow.

I’ll go with that.

Cetrotide: .25mg
Gonal F: 225IU
Menopur: 300IU (4 vials)

Medication day 10, cycle day 12
This morning was another period of anxiety. I just can’t seem to remain calm and trusting God in this part of the journey.

The truth is, I always thought that I wanted to have more than 1 child. I really looked negatively on the thought of having an only child.

There are 2 reasons for this.

One- is selfishly, I don’t want to be the main playmate for my daughter as she grows. I really want her to be able to have a buddy to play with more regularly.

Two- is for her. I want her to have someone to grow up with and do life with. I fear that she would resent us for not having another child for her to play with and have as an adult in her life.

I need to be honest about these thoughts because I need freedom from the expectations and freedom from the fear that I am gripping with all my might.

The sooner I can accept whatever the story will be, the sooner I will be able to relax and receive this entire process as a gift as opposed to white-knuckling it.

I feel so grateful for this opportunity and I really do want what God wants in this process.

I calm down.

God, what is your will. Thy will be done.

The appointment went well. We have 8-9 follicles averaging around 12mm, so there is still some growing to do.

I will increase the dose in the medications tonight and return for another monitoring appointment tomorrow morning. At this point we may be triggering in 2 days, or more likely in 3 days with a retrieval in maybe 5 days or more likely 6. God… help me surrender to your timing.

Cetrotide: .25mg
Gonal F: 300IU
Menopur: 300IU (4 vials)
Follicles: 18, 16, 13, 13, 13, 12, 12 (11, 10, 10, 9)

Medication day 11, cycle day 13
I am feeling more peace come over me. This is such a gift that we get to do this and I feel so very fortunate that we have this opportunity. I pray that I may be a carrier of another little warrior for God and that one of these little follicles with meet up with the strongest sperm, making a human who will one day make an impact on this world. I am praying that this is the beginning of a prayer warrior, a human who is desiring of God’s love and will, a being that will serve God with love for others and compassion for the sick and needy.

I have been so selfish these past days and weeks. Thinking this whole process is about me being able to have another baby, another child, another little human because of my own needs and wants. My mind is shifting and my hands are becoming more open to surrendering to what God wants for our family and for His Kingdom here on Earth. Who does He want to have walking around, serving Him. If God wants a little one to be here, I desire that too. My life is given to God and this process is handed to Him as well. My body is his. These follicles growing inside of me are His. I give the making of a baby back to the Lord. I have been selfish and desire my eyes to be focused on God and what He is doing inside of me (physically in my ovaries and mentally in my thinking and spiritually in my relation to him).

The follicles are growing. The hormones are racing through me. I am finding it incredibly difficult to get to sleep. My mind is racing; my body is hot… I just feel the hormones whizzing around my entire being. Lord, help me relax.

Cetrotide: .25mg
Gonal F: 300IU
Menopur: 300IU (4 vials)
Follicles: 19, 16, 15, 15, 14, 14, 13, 12, (11, 11, 10, 9, 9, 9, 8, 7, 6)

Medication day 12, cycle day 14
I couldn’t sleep. This IVF cycle has been different in so many ways. Last time, I felt bloated and heavy in my stomach. I couldn’t walk very well and going upstairs was a challenge. This time around, I feel physically capable it’s just my sleeping that is a challenge. I feel my head racing every time I try and lay down for rest. It’s as though there is a monkey chattering in my head at a rapid rate and an obsessive persistence that makes me want to yell “just stop it!”. I was unable to go to sleep last night and once I finally did, I was up for about two hours, just praying and trying to relax my body as much as possible. I chalk it up to the amount of medications that are running through my system. It’s as though I’m amped up on caffeine and my body feels jittery.

The appointment went well again today. My arms are starting to bruise from the daily pokes for bloodwork. My stomach is also starting to show signs of bruising from the three needles I’m injecting in there each day.

No surprise, the follicles are growing a little bit each day. I was told that they would grow 2mm a day, but my body likes to do it’s own thing and is progressing slower at 1mm a day.

I am still hopeful that tonight will be the last night of medications and we will be on track to trigger tomorrow to retrieve in 3 days.

Cetrotide: .25mg
Gonal F: 300IU
Menopur: 300IU (4 vials)
Follicles: 22, 18, 16, 16, 16, 15, 13, 13, 13, 12, 12, 11, 10

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