This is not easy. I have turned a corner and I feel as though I’m heading into a cave. I know I have been MIA.

We made the decision to move forward with IVF at Shady Grove in Maryland just about 6 weeks ago. We contemplated jumping right into the cycle as soon as we made the decision, but my chest grew tight with the thought of trying to squeezing it into our already full schedule and reworking some things seemed a little rushed.

No, we will wait the extra month and some change before we begin the process. That seems like the best idea and the calmest and serene and yet the waiting has not been easy. I have tried to keep my mind occupied with other things and use this waiting period as an exercise in trusting God, focusing on the here and now, and practicing the belief that what is in front of me is exactly what I’m supposed to be spending my time on, not the future.

I have plenty of projects to keep my body busy, but it’s my heart that I cannot control. The longing to know the outcome.

For the most part, though, I have been pretty surrendered to the process. Open handed to the fact that we don’t have all the answers at this point and we might not in the future. My body feels calm and my mind is relaxed.