Wahoo! I got a period, all on my own.

Not the reaction my husband thought I would give when I told him the news. Yes, I am bummed that we aren’t pregnant this month, BUT I got a period ON MY OWN.

Yes, I am bummed that we aren’t pregnant this month, BUT I got a period ON MY OWN.

This is huge and wonderful as I’ve been wanting my body to have some more normalcy through this process, as opposed to simply reacting to the medications the doctors give me.

It seems as though the last two cycles, my body has been sleeping and each medication is like waking from a nap, not knowing what time of day it is, what day it is, how long you’ve been sleeping… confusion and then reaction. There are times when I will wake from a nap in a panic that I’ve missed something. That fearful panic is real, for a moment.

I just wonder if this is how my body is responding to the medication… like it’s being woken up from a nap and it’s in reaction mode. In some ways, forced to perform.

When things are forced, it’s not as easy and free-flowing.

BUT, with a natural period, my body did it all on its own!

I didn’t have to take Provera to force a bleed and so maybe this month my body will bring its “A” game, functioning out of natural process versus medically induced.

I will take Clomid to help with the ovulation process, but maybe this time, I won’t need to be ‘triggered’ for ovulation… is it possible that my body is fully awake this month?

I am hopeful today.

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This past month has been a turning point for me.

I will admit, for many months and years now I have not been too excited to enter into parenthood. I have seen others around me become parents and observe the shift in life and I have not been too motivated to want that life change for myself. If anything, I return to my safe space in my house relieved I don’t have children running around.

I have felt like a bad woman, like I have a horrible heart, for not pining after a baby like I hear many of my friends comment as they have strong desires for their own babies.

I am really happy in my life with my husband and am incredibly content with the life of 2.

Yes, I do want to have a family and have people I get to help grow and influence and love. Sitting back, watching them grow, explore, learn.

I am afraid of the sacrifice.

Giving all of me to someone else who is completely dependent on me. I am scared I won’t be able to receive the responsibility well and that I will push my children away.

They are so malleable and I don’t want to mess them up with my own fears and insecurities, or my own missteps. Lord knows I make enough willful decisions on my own, let alone affecting another person.

Maybe being a parent will help me become a better version of myself.

I don’t know how I will behave when there is someone else who needs me continuously. I want to say to them, “Stop it!”, “Figure it out on your own!”

Where is the compassion, love, patience, tolerance in that? I don’t feel ready. Will I ever be ready?

I guess not, no one really is ready.

I know how much children can cause a rift in the parents, in the marriage. I like my marriage and I don’t want to be too tired to engage with my husband. I don’t want to give so much to my children that I don’t have anything to give to him.

It’s not that I don’t want kids. It’s that I’m scared of myself and the unknowns of what that role and responsibility will look like in my day in and day out life routine.

Over the past few weeks though, I have been able to push aside the fears and see the beauty of holding and caring for another human being. I have begun to get excited to be a mom and to recognize how much of a gift it will be to raise another person.