I all too often fear of letting myself become too vulnerable at the thought of what is possible. As I have been on this journey towards growing a family, I have felt pretty guarded from the rejection of not being able to have a baby. The shield of ‘I don’t get a period’ protected me from thinking too much into growing a baby inside of me.

If I don’t let my mind ‘go there’ then I’m safe.

As I have been on this journey towards growing a family, I have felt pretty guarded from the rejection.

The shield of ‘I don’t get a period’ protected me from thinking too much or anticipating what might be or wondering when I would have the opportunity to grow a baby inside of me.

In many ways, I was able to keep my expectations quite low for what starting a family would look like for my husband and me.

Both of us desire to adopt and talk as though that is a given, yet if I was honest with myself, I continue to have a little hope in God’s amazing All-Mighty power of being the ultimate healer.

If God wants us to be pregnant, I will be pregnant, regardless of a period. I mean come on… He did create this world and everything in it… the stars, the land, the animals… I think he can connect an egg to a sperm… (too graphic?)

Well… now I have had a period and my shield has been taken away. I feel vulnerable to the thoughts of excitement and anticipation of the ‘what ifs’ and ‘could it bes’….

An igniting of hope that had been dormant since I was in my teens.

In reading Romans 5 this morning, and the only phrase that continued to stand out to me was, ‘rejoice in hope of the glory of God…’.

What an interesting phrase of permission.

That this hope of the glory of God and his sovereignty, grace, love brings excitement, anticipation, comfort and it is to be rejoiced in. To celebrate and live into the wonder and curiosity of the future and unknown.

To celebrate and live into the wonder and curiosity of the future and unknown.

In my dating years, I remember this same gitty excitement. Praying for Gods’ will to be done and for this to be ‘The One’.

At times I labeled it ‘Hilary just being a girl’, and then I began to give myself that permission as stated in Romans 5- knowing this amazing God we serve, who loves us, works miracles on our behalf.

The hope of what is possible, from the impossible.

The rejoicing in the hope, as well as the suffering, because it’s through these moments in life that we get to grow, change, experience and feel.

Today, I will rejoice in the hope of what is possible with God, even if it means becoming vulnerable to hurt and sorrow because this is how I can allow myself to fully live a life of faith and trust in the unseen and the yet to be revealed.