wanting a baby

One Line… only

/ Hilary / 5 Comments

I may or may not have taken a pregnancy test every other day for the last 6 days. In hopeful anticipation of the possibility to be pregnant, my thoughts were nowhere else for these past 10 days as I counted down. I noticed my keen sense of awareness to the possibility of being sick, having food aversion, not sleeping well, sore boobs… unfortunately, there was nothing out of the ordinary. Yet my research said I may or may not feel anything different so I was remaining hopeful that I would be pleasantly surprised this morning. I wasn’t.

I had a hope inside of seeing the two lines on the pregnancy stick. Closing my eyes I prayed for God’s will to be done and for me to be able to accept whatever it is that he has In store. I anticipated my reaction to seeing the two lines, how happy and surprised and in disbelieve and stunned and excited I would be. Counted to three….

One line.

Not pregnant.

Sadness overtakes me.

What’s wrong with my body that we could not get pregnant after all the things we’ve done and how great the doctors said everything looked? It must be me as my husband’s tests showed that he is not the problem.

I am frustrated that I could both have done a thing better plaything more to become pregnant. This is not going to be something that I work for and excel at and perfect and do right in order for it all to work out.

I can only do my part and the rest is up to nature, science and ultimately God.

What is magnificent to me is this idea of complete and utter lack of control that creates something incredible. Learning more about the science and biology behind conception, baby making is has dropped because it really cannot be controlled. I’m sure if I did IVF I would feel like we had more control, but there is no guarantee that the embryo will latch onto the uterine wall, let alone grow to survivor outside the womb.

I really am powerless and have no control over this whole desire.

Reminds me of when I was single and so desperately wanting to meet my husband. It was not anything I could control and I couldn’t make it happen any faster. I just had to surrender to the process of life and trust that It would happen.

My heart yarns more each day for a baby.

I learned of a few new friends being pregnant and I am elated for them and breaking inside. Breaking caused by fear that I won’t be able to have what they have. That my desire and hope to be as mom will not be fulfilled and I will be left with a hole in my heart that only a child can fill.

I know adoption is an option but is so expensive. How does anyone adopt at the increasing costs?

Breath.

I just have to trust.

God’s writing my story. Help me see his hand at work

To Be Delivered in 5-6 Months…

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

Let me begin by saying this… I am EXTREMLY happy for all the people who I know are pregnant. I believe that Gods timing and plan is absolutely perfect and would never wish anything other than Gods plan for my life or anyone else’s.

I will continue to pray for the health and positive experiences for each of my friends as they walk down the road I hope to be on too.

Where I see my issues come out are when my sinful nature of jealousy, self-centeredness, and lack of trust are mixed with longing, impatience and fear.

As you can see, I’ll be the first to admit it and am quite aware of it, so as I write the following, I understand it comes from my own ‘stuff’ verses the love I have for those around me and the joy they are experiencing by growing their families.

It’s been quite trying for me this holiday season.  I was extremely excited when I heard the words come out of my husbands mouth that he’s ready and wanting to look into all options for us to grow our family.

In many ways, I feel we have ben given the green light, as we are both on the same page towards growing our family.

The way my mind naturally operates though, is when I see something or think about something, I want it… now. There are instances where this is a great thing, and I’m able to push through and work hard for something…

But there are also downfalls to this intense grip I have on wanting what I want, when I want it.

I’m just being honest.

Thankfully, I have learned various tools to help me curb this quick, insatiable response towards things in life, but I know how it affects me and how much more I have to go to God and pray for his protection around my own selfish desires.

Thus, this Christmas season, as I was on Facebook (which I rarely am anymore)- I began to see the picture roll of birth announcements… baby coming in April, May, June…

My honest reaction was, ‘oh my gosh, seriously? Another one?’

As though there was something in the water and all of a sudden, everyone became pregnant.

It seemed as though my entire group of married friends announced they are pregnant.

I will admit if I was pregnant, I am sure I would be right there, doing the same. What a fun Christmas present to revel to the world! Announcing a new life is a celebration of what’s to come and renewal, hope and opportunity.

More than anything the reaction of jealousy… why them and not me? When will my time come? Will it come?

Was mixed with doubt… do I even want a child? Am I ready to be selfless and give my all to another person?

And then came the root of it all for me… the fear of missing out.

FOMO.

This never goes away for me, it seems.

I have had this reaction a lot growing up. Thinking everyone else is on the fast train to somewhere wonderful while I’m left here just walking along, sometimes aimlessly stumbling.

When I was single and everyone around me was getting engaged, I felt this same mixture of emotions. Jealousy that they had found ‘theirs’, fear that I never would, uncertain of the timing or who ‘he’ would be. Doubtful that there would be anyone left for me…

Mostly though, I was scared to miss out on all the opportunities these married friends were experiencing and I was the outsider looking in the window on a fabulous party, that I was not invited to.

And so again, I sit in this FOMO.

If I am not able to conceive my own child then I am scared to miss out on all the wonderful experiences women have when carrying a child. The highs and the lows associated with growing a baby. The connection a woman feels when the little one is growing inside, the kicking and the movement, the incomparable connection to a true miracle growing and changing inside another body…

Don’t get me wrong; I know this miracle comes with major discomfort, body changes, stretch marks, sickness, etc. The means of carrying a baby in their infant growth is no walk in the park, but for the opportunity to take the not so fun… with the incredible.

  • The fear that I would not be apart of the “Mommy” group if I don’t experience carrying an infant and then delivering and bringing a baby into this world.
  • The inadequacy I might feel for not having a body that is ‘normal’ to be able to house such wondrous miracles.
  • The less than I could experience for not being able to relate to the majority of women when it comes to labor pains and childbirth. Not to mention that leverage I would not have over my child when he/she is upset and I could say, “I brought you into this world and suffered the pains for it!” (Ok I don’t really see myself saying this, but I know people who have).
  • The left out feeling of not being able to experience what women are created to do with our bodies and not being able to be ‘in’ the mommy club because I didn’t carry a child and deliver.

Now I am very well aware that these are just the fears, the uncertainties, and the hypothetical feelings of what could happen if…

The reality is, I am not sure these are really necessary to entertain because I am not 100% certain that I won’t be able to carry my own child.

There is a very real possibility that all this thinking and now typing could be for nothing if by God’s miracle I’m able to conceive and carry. Which is why I’m not dwelling too much on this… and in fact am grateful for the process of my feelings.

So what do I do…

  • I get into gratitude about all the things I DO have in my life.
  • I write down all the things God has blessed us with and I thank God for all the wonderful opportunities we have to experience TODAY.
  • I let myself become aware of my feelings as I react to another friends’ birth-announcement.
  • I trust that I am right where I am supposed to be, today.
  • Pray for God’s will and His timing and for my thoughts and wants to be aligned with his.

As I scroll Facebook and see all the exciting announcements of the new generation to come in 2017… I am scared to miss out on the opportunity to experience what I believe all these happy faces and pictures lead me to think.

Yet with recognition of my feelings I am hopeful and trusting that everyone has a story to live out, and this is just mine.

Looking forward to seeing how God is going to work this one out for us!

Excited to be sick? Something’s off…

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

5227053414_4dbd66037f_bOver the past several days, I have felt sick. My stomach was ‘off’ and I felt ‘punk’ (you know… when you aren’t fully engaged with the world because your mind is slower and there are hints feeling low and ill). I felt my boobs to see if they were more sore (they weren’t). The waves of stomach icky continued. Let me be clear though, this wasn’t the throwing up, it was the other- but I had actually convinced myself that I could be pregnant.

Well, this was me and to be honest, I was a little excited! Could I be pregnant? Is this the beginning of morning sickness?

I went as far as peeing on the pregnancy stick to see if I was… Reading the instructions I knew I would have to wait 2 minutes before I would see any results, and yet as soon as I looked at it- there was a huge ” – ” on the screen, definitely not pregnant.

My heart dropped. Feeling a bit let down. After all… I had actually hoped that maybe… possibly…

Guess I have just had a bad case of something… but it’s not a baby.

What’s so interesting to me through this is the fact that my husband and I have already openly discussed how we are both focusing on our business ventures to become more consistent in our incomes and that we aren’t ‘trying’.

But what does ‘not trying’ mean when you’re married and wanting to have a family?

Is it just a mental game we play with ourselves to convince us not to obsess about something, when we have no control over it? Is it a way to distract ourselves so we don’t get worried about why things aren’t happening? Maybe it’s just a way for me to keep my head on straight and not get too over-worked and analytical about, everything.

I’ll be honest (again) with you. I would love to become pregnant because that would mean we would start our family! Yet, I’m terribly scared for many reasons, but these 2 are pretty clear.

  1. I am wanting to grow my business to be my full-time focus and for it to bring in clients on a consistent basis and this takes a ton of time and energy. It’s kinda like it’s own baby in some ways. (Is this selfish?)
  2. I am scared about what becoming pregnant and having a baby will do for my life as I know it today. Everything will change, I won’t have my daily routine as it is today, I will be living for more than just my husband and me. I will become a mom and take on the realities of ALL this entails.

So I’m kinda stuck in the in between. Although we have been ‘trying’ for 1.5  years… I do feel God is continuing to work on the two of us. We have had a lot of great discussions and I have become more aware of my fears. Little by slow, I’m working through them and am seeing my thoughts and perspectives change and my heart soften.

Currently, I’ve been hanging out with my nephews quite a bit! This isbaby griffin Griffin, he’s 4 months old and his big brother Cooper is almost 5 years! I’ve spend long days with these guys and it’s certainly given me a great appreciation for parents and the sacrifice it is to be a hands-on parent.

My hubby and I are being prepared for a life change, and to help us remember that we are not in control and that He is the giver of life.

“Wait quietly in my presence while My thoughts form silently in the depths of your being.” Jesus Calling

My desire is to surrender my thoughts, ideas, plans, timing, worries, unknowns to God and sit quietly in His presence.