The Future Begins Tomorrow

Day 14- The final prick of my arm to see if the trigger medications worked. I check out of the clinic and am grateful to not need to make another monitoring appointment.

Nope, the next time I step into the clinic will be for egg ‘harvesting’.

I like that word better than retrieval. Time to gather all these wonderful, healthy, vibrant, abundant eggs!

My final acupuncture appointment focuses on balancing my body and rejuvenating my system. It’s time to love on my body and let the eggs release as they are supposed to.

I spend the rest of the day enjoying this process and relishing the growth of these wonderful follicles.

The sunshine greets us as we enjoy a brisk walk around our ‘home’. I feel as though I’m waddling and anxious to have this pressure released from my body.

Dr. O’Brien said the bloated feeling may last up to a week after the ‘harvest’ because of the trigger shots, but I’m hopeful my body will flush these toxins (is that what there are?) out of my system and I’ll be able to return to a normal body.

  • When will I be able to move without feeling this pressure?
  • When will I be able to work out my body again?

Only time will tell.

For today, I am focusing on giving my body good healthy nutrients.

I took the final medication tonight at dinner. It will be my last meal until after the ‘harvest’ tomorrow at noon.

I’m scared of what the ‘harvest’ will be like for my body.

  • What will the aftermath feel like?
  • Will I bleed?
  • How will I be able to walk?
  • What will the flight be like back home?

The only way to know these answers is to walk through this night… and tomorrow morning… and walk into the clinic at 10:30am and put my trust in the doctors…. And God.

See you on the other side!download.jpg

Game On!

How much did the 3 additional days of medication help?

Drum roll…

Not much.

My heart sank (again) as I looked at the ultrasound.

I don’t mean to get my hopes up with all of this but they do. It just happens that I get swept up in the possibilities.

I will be honest; I go back and forth about being a mom right now. I know I would LOVE to have a family and grow these little humans, but man it’s a lot of work and sacrifice.

There is some part of me that is thinking this LONG process towards becoming pregnant is preparing my heart because, with each let down, I grow even more intensely desiring of a healthy baby.

Could it be that this road of heartache is exactly what I need to prepare to really want a baby, bad enough to be ok with my life changing?

What am I say? I really don’t know what my life will be like once we have kids. I tend to superimpose myself into other people’s realities. Observing what other people’s lives look like with kids.

Who knows what mine will look like?

No one but God.

With that, I must let go and trust that my story will be my story.

Ultrasound results-

The uterine lining is down to 4mm, oh no!

There are still 6 follicles, largest is 11mm.

What? I don’t understand. After 3 days of medication and the largest only great 1mm. This is crazy.

Now we are on day 12… eek.

I am thinking it’s too late for this cycle.

We’ve missed our chance to make these follicles large enough for ovulation.

We send the results to Dr. G and wait on them.

They didn’t get it and it’s now the close of day.

Ugh, I am so upset.

My heart is heavy as I was really hoping that we would be able to try this round.egg-freezing-img-1.jpg

Do I really have to wait another month before we can start all of this over?

I am becoming impatient.

This is when I begin to feel like I’m 2 different people.

When I’m not ‘trying’ for a baby, I’m totally ok. Loving my life, wanting to continue growing my coaching business. Things are great.

But then I get around friends who have babies, and I want to be with them in the next stage of life. I start to want a growing family.

The longing grows as I ingest medication that inevitably makes me a little nutty.

Yes, I said before that the medication didn’t have many side effects, but I’m starting to wonder if that is true. I am a little sensitive. Plus, my face is breaking out which is never a confidence booster.

We have to wait until tomorrow to hear from Dr. G.

I feel defeated.

Holy cow, what a difference a day makes.

I head off to work and leave hubby to man the phones if any news comes in from Dr. G.

I actually forgot about it as I was working with clients and engaging in self-care activities (hit up the gym, enjoyed lunch, relaxed in a massage).

On the way home, I got a call from Hubby.

“Can you swing by Safeway and pick up 4 more days’ worth of Letrozole?” He asked.

Absolutely! Game on… this cycle is not over, yippee!

I am so grateful to have Hubby, who is my partner in life, which is demonstrated through this.

He has been such a support and I appreciate him picking up medications when he’s out, talking with nurses and doctors, sending reports and encouraging me through the ups and the downs.

When thanking him, he said, “sure, you’re the one who has to go in for blood draws, ultrasounds and ingest medications.”

So, true.

We are doing this together.

Medication regime:

  • Dr. G. upped the pills to 3 a day for 4 days.

Follow up:

  • Ultrasound on day 5 of the pills (which will be day 17 of my man-made cycle)

Overjoyed that I am still in the game for this round.

God, I know you know what you’re doing. I trust this entire process is in your hands and know that you are working on my heart and in my body for the perfect little one(s) to be growing inside of me.

I pray for a healthy place for babies to grow inside of me. Prepare my body and mind for pregnancy and motherhood. I pray for healthy, full-term babies that will be able to enjoy and experience the fullness of this world and the glory and love of you God.




Mother’s Day on Progesterone: Round 2

Today is a beautiful day to celebrate the incredible woman who brought me into this world. I For Print-6213 cherish her and value all that she has given to raise me into the woman I am today. My mom is a strong, gentle woman who continues to be a picture of humility and poise.

Today is also a difficult day for me as I yearn to become a mother myself. Maybe it’s the progesterone talking, but I feel left out of today as Facebook and other social means are exploding with babies and their momma’s. Why can’t I be one of those? What’s wrong with me that I can’t receive the same gift of being a mom?

I feel selfish even thinking these things. I know I should be grateful for the things I do have and for all the rest and ‘me’ time I get to have with my husband. Not to mention grateful I have a husband, I get that… and yet, I feel as though people are passing me by on this journey. They are all progressing forward with life experiences, and I’m still back here. Not because I don’t want to move forward… but it’s because I can’t. For some reason only known by God.

It is one thing to not have a baby and be ok, it’s another to want to have one and not be able to.

With spring babies are arriving, it seems like every day I see another post of a newborn laying in his/her momma’s arms in the hospital. The joyful yet exhausted look of the mother and the peaceful innocence of new baby wrapped up in warmth.

In less than a week, I will become an aunt for the second time. I am over the moon to meet this new little one! To hold him, to cuddle him, to look at all the amazement a precious new life is with all the miracles it takes to make a baby. My brother and my sister-in-law have been wanting a second child for a few years and I am beyond thrilled for their family and for my nephew to have a play-mate.

As for our journey, two months have passed since I began sticking these hormone patches on my lower abdomen. Every 3-4 days, I rip off one and stick on another on another part of my skin in hopes of it working… Something changing.

Last week, I emailed my doctor to find out what my next steps are now that I’ve completed the 2 months of estrogen. I have continued to work through the struggles of water-weight and too-tight clothing with my countdown leading up to this week when I would hopefully go off the patch and I would feel my ‘normal’ body again.

Instead, I was prescribed another month of the patch and the 2nd round of progesterone which I will take orally for the next 10 days. (Thankfully, it’s not the other way I know it’s prescribed).

Am I ready for the crazies? For the mood swings and the acne break-outs? Not really. Especially since we are celebrating my husband’s graduation from Seminary. We have 2 weeks of company, social events and opportunities for me to show up for others in spite of what’s going on inside of me. (If there is ever a time to pump my body full of hormones, maybe it’s best to do when I am distracted with friends and family in celebration).

Seeing the announcement of the new babies and the happy parents stirs up longing as I desire for my own. Will we have children, we hope so. Will I have one of those pictures on Facebook of laying in the hospital? Maybe. I am choosing to be hopeful of what our future holds, what these next 10 days to 5 weeks hold. Will I get a period? Maybe. Does this mean I’ll be able to get pregnant? It’s not a guarantee.

All the technology and medical advancements of today do not guarantee the outcomes we want or hope for.  The only guarantee that I continue to focus on is that God is in control and will make all things work together for his good. If it’s his will that we have a family, it will happen regardless of if I get a period. Grateful to have the opportunity to trust in his goodness and plans for my life and the future of our family.

Grateful to know that God hears my cries and feels my longing.


Open Hands

After 10 days of Progesterone and all the lovely side effects of consuming additional hormones (sleepy, moody, acne…), I am left with extra bacteria that I’m now on medication for and no withdraw bleed. I don’t think the bacteria has anything to do with the Progesterone, I just find it interesting to be experiencing so many “female problems” throughout this process. So, I will roll along through the next 3 weeks and try another round of Progesterone in March. How am I feeling? Well, surprisingly peace-filled.  I trust the expertise of my endocrinologist and know we have many options out there to try before I can rule anything out. Not to mention our faith is carrying us.

I went in for my scheduled Ultra-Sound and prayed before I entered the hospital. I don’t want to be negative or a ‘Debby-downer’ but it is difficult for m5876981450_bde15b9aaa_be to think they will find anything of substance. Last time I was in, they saw cysts in my ovaries and then after a string of medication ruled PCOS out… but I’ll remain with my hands open to receive whatever it is I am to see and know…

My Ultra-Sound tech was great, very supportive, and before I knew it, I could see a bit more of what is going on inside. She did confirm my uterus lining is ultra-thin which typically happens after a period, so with me without a recent period, is taking note. She also was surprised to see a difference in my uterus shape. It’s supposed to look like a triangle with a little hump, mine looks like a partial heart. She called it uterus septum. She’s not too worried since it didn’t look severe, but is checking with my doctor in the office. The kicker is… we counted 14 cysts in one ovary and 15 in the other! Maybe this time around the PCOS diagnosis will be confirmed.

The technician wanted to talk with my  doctor before any feedback was provided… but maybe we are getting closer to an actual… why?

I am waiting the call of explanation and next steps. Thankfully my OB-GYN and Endocrinologist know each other and will be talking (fingers-crossed). So in the meantime… I’ll keep praying.
God is good, all the time. I know we are growing in our relationship with the Lord. We pray to him for guidance and feel peace and calm thoughts about what our future holds. I know we will be parents. It may be through adoption, but I know my husband will be an incredible father and I pray I’ll be a loving mom. We desire to have a baby made with our own genes and I feel it’s incredibly possible. So I will continue to sit in this posture of faith and trust, knowing God is with me. He knows the bigger picture and as much as I desire a little one that is the mixture of us, I want to live in Gods will- progressing his kingdom.

New Dr.: Same Routine

How many times do I have to go through my entire health history with another doctor? I attended my annual appointment with my OB-GYN and came to find out that the person I saw the last time… has left. I was re-assigned to another person in the clinic and I could tell I was starting to boil up with frustration; I have been through this before. When I set up the appointment, I also called my General Practitioner (GP) and my Endocrinologist to have them send over my latest labs and exam notes.

When I checked in, I asked if they had all my up-to-date records… they didn’t. I could see where this visit was going and I started praying. “God, help me be patient, loving, tolerant and kind. “ No need to take my frustrations of past experiences out on someone who I didn’t even know.

I was taken back to the exam room and after the routine questions from the nurse; I waited for the assigned PA to enter the room. “God, I am grateful for the story you have given me to live and experience and for how it is continuing to unravel… please be with me now and with the lady you have assigned me to.”

In walks Nancy*. Chipper, comical… lovely. We small chat and then jump into the reason for my visit. She had some of the notes from my last visit, but wanted me to loop her in… so I took a deep breath and began to regurgitate all that I have learned about myself. Feeling as though I’m the expert on my own body… with no answers.

As we talked, I felt a calm come over me though. It’s not her fault she doesn’t know about me and maybe she will have a different perspective on my situation. I shared about my recent re-trial of progesterone and she offered the same thoughts as the other doctor—a lot of “maybes” and “let’s try’s”. She completed the exam and scheduled me for an Ultra Sound in a few weeks to see a few things (no, not a baby) and we concluded.

I know that I could be acting on the mixture of recommendations of herbals, acupuncture, pink drinks, stopping all exercise, gaining weight, medications, infertility specialists… many I have tried. I just know for me, it will be the process of checking each thing off the list (again) will refining what will work with me and my body. I can’t help believe that God is in control of all of this. I know God provides science for us to progress and I will continue to pray. As of now, I feel confident in his leading me to trust him and keep talking about my journey. Using my story to help others, sharing all the things I don’t know. There is a purpose in all of this. I have a purpose in this journey.

What I do know is that God is working. I know that my story is not uncommon and I am not alone in the path to a baby. I do ask a lot of questions I will never know the answers to. How is it that people who don’t want to get pregnant, DO and those who do want to get pregnant, DON’T? It’s baffling to me. If God is all-mighty, all-powerful and all-knowing, how would this disconnect happen?

Why would there be children across the world that needs families. Some of these situations are hard to stomach- like the orphans whose parents died; others are orphans because their parents didn’t want them. How tragic. This life, this human being… with a heart… a brain… a soul… a future. Thankfully there are people who have the desire to adopt. I do believe God redeems and provides and I will continue to put my faith and trust in Him— God who knows all, “there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him.” Hebrews 4:13.

He knows. He sees. I trust. I believe.

*Name changed.