Day 5 is here!

My heart is calm. I have been patiently waiting for the call from the doctor to let us know how many of our little cells have turned into blastocysts and are ready for biopsy and being frozen.

I try not to read all the different experiences people share online of how many eggs retrieved, how many fertilized, how many make it to day 5 & 6, etc… but it’s hard not to look.

These last few days have felt deflating. In my mind, I have obtained a goal (of sorts), something I was focused on for many weeks, and now I just sit and wait.

My body is recovering, but still not back to normal. I continue to reheat the rice-hot pack in the microwave and melt into the couch.o-GIRL-WAITING-BY-PHONE-facebook.jpg

We receive a call, today is day 5. It’s nurse Christine calling to report 1 of our eggs have reached blastocyst stage so they have biopsied it and put it in the freezer (my heart drops… only 1).

The remaining 11 are still under observation and they will call us tomorrow with the final count.

Oh, my nerves!

I continue to trust in this process… the process I cannot control and have to simply accept.

The following is taken from Fertility Smarts to help explain the process:

On Day 5, embryos that have continued to grow to become blastocysts will have formed a fluid-filled cavity in the center of the embryo surrounded by a flat layer of cells called the trophectoderm (the part that makes the placenta). These embryos should also have a clump of cells called the inner cell mass (the part that makes the baby). Blastocyst embryos have a more complicated grading system based on 3 factors:

  1. The size of the embryo – based on the degree of expansion of the cavity (graded 2-6)
  2. Appearance of the inner cell mass cells (graded A-C)
  3. Appearance of the trophectoderm layer of cells (graded A-C)

Therefore an embryo with a grade of 4AA would be classed as a good quality embryo. Anything with a B grade is classed as average and a C grade would be quite poor quality.

Embryo grading is not an exact science and it just helps us to get an overall picture of the appearance of an embryo. Grading helps the embryologist to choose which embryo to transfer within your group of embryos.

Embryos with a higher grade are more likely to implant with the uterine lining, most likely because these embryos have a higher chance of being chromosomally normal. In other words, not all embryos are created equally and it is possible to select the genetically normal embryos that are more likely to grow.

What if my embryos have a poor grading?

Most people have a range of grades within their group of embryos from an IVF cycle and the embryologist will pick the best ones out of that particular group. We have seen babies born from different grades of embryos, so try not to focus on the numbers too much.

Although lower grade embryos have a less of a chance of implanting than their more handsome counterparts, it’s still possible to achieve a pregnancy from embryos that are not ideal when viewed under a microscope.

Try not to over analyze the exact grade of your embryos as we have seen babies born from all grades of viable embryos.

On Day 5 we know:

  • The number of embryos that have continued to grow and the quality of these embryos.
  • On average, only half of all Day 3 embryos will continue to grow to the blastocyst stage and the other half will stop growing after Day 3. Embryos usually stop growing because there is something wrong with their chromosomes. If an embryo stops growing in the lab it would most likely not have made a baby if we had transferred it.
  • Not all embryos grow at the same rate. Some will grow faster and be ready for transfer or freezing by Day 5 and some will need another day’s growth to get to an advanced stage. This is a normal growth pattern.
  • The best embryos are either transferred or frozen on Day 5 according to your clinic’s policy. In general, pregnancy rates are better when blastocyst stage embryos are transferred rather than Day 2-3 stage embryos.

Any embryos that are frozen are kept in the lab storage tanks until you need them. Any remaining slower growing embryos are kept in the lab overnight and there may or may not be more embryos to freeze Day 6.

Pause within the Journey

The quiet brings peace.

Like a fine wine, I gave myself permission to let this information breath.

Give this decision some space in my mind.

When I quiet my mind and body, I can hear that small voice.

It is clear that going abroad is not sitting well with me. Doing IVF stateside is my truth.

Hubby is clear that doing IVF here in Colorado is not an option. That is his truth.

Shady Grove in Maryland is our only option for IVF.

If we do not agree with this, then we will have to agree to disagree and move onto adoption.


We have a phone consult with Dr. O’Brien at Shady Grove Fertility in Maryland. We had heard of this clinic at the 4th of July party we attended in July and kept is as an option for a few reasons, they:

  • have high success rates (higher than CCRM & Conceptions in many categories).
  • offer a shared risk program where we could pay a flat rate and receive up to 6 embryo transfers, if we do not have a live birth then we are refunded 100% of our medical costs (not including medicine). Other clinics offer a shared risk, but they only return 60-80%.
  • are in a Mandate state. There are 15 states that are “Mandate states” which cover infertility treatments. This helps keep the out-of-pocket costs low.

The conversation was a breath of fresh air.

Her review of my labs and all that we have already done up until this point helped me relax into what her recommendations were for how she would proceed.

She impressed me.

She confirmed that although I do NOT have PCOS, I have many symptoms that would lead people to believe that I do.

She is not going to diagnose me as the goal is to get pregnant, not figure out my issues.

I understand this and I would agree that although it would be great to ‘fix’ me, I just want to become pregnant and have a healthy baby.

Interestingly enough, Dr. O’Brien and Dr. G. completed their Fellowship together. Small world!

Her approach to ‘pull out all the stops’ with me is also calming.

We aren’t here to mess around.

The phone consult ended with her giving follow-up action steps and before the end of the day, my inbox was full of information from her nurse.


I return to my peaceful place.

It’s not the time to make any decisions.

We have 3 months before we would need to take any action- at CCRM or at Shady Grove… or adoption.

I give this back to you God.


When I close my eyes and quiet my mind, I hear God say, ‘trust me, you don’t need to do IVF, you will have your own children.’Still-Small-Voice.jpg

What does this mean?

Can I trust this?

I’m scared to write this as I don’t want to commit myself to anything certain.

I don’t want to do IVF if, in the end, we won’t get pregnant and God knows this already and is trying to tell me.

I also don’t know how much I trust this voice.

As I look back over my life, I know the voice is there but have I always trusted it?

Have there been times when I’ve trusted that voice and made a decision based off of it, and then regretted it?

I can’t remember.


Taking some time away from all of this and just sitting quietly for the next few months will be a good approach.

If there is any way for us to do it earlier, then I will take action, knowing that God is with me.

 

Moving on… to what?

It’s been a month of healing for me. Not having to think about my body being in the tip-top condition for a life to begin, I worked out as much as I wanted and enjoyed being fully present with my current status in life.

There was a second about 2 weeks into this month where I pondered tracking and trying to get pregnant, but quickly let that thought go as I’m exhausted.

It’s been tiring tracking and plotting, waiting and hoping.

I am amazed that we are over a year into this fertility journey of medication and doctors manipulating my body and cycle for optimum results.

I really didn’t think I would be here, still.

When I was 16, my OBGYN said it would be a long road to become pregnant, but I certainly didn’t expect this.

Call it my eternal sunshine, but I can’t help but have hope that God will work a miracle in our lives.

I choose to believe that he is continuing to write an incredible story that will show his love and provision. Not to mention, that he is using this to teach me about his faithfulness and all-knowing nature.

Am I ready to move on?Image result for decisions

The thought has crossed my mind many times.

We have prayed and shown up for all the fertility options given by our doctors.

This past round, my girlfriends spent time intentionally praying for God’s will to be done. Tears streamed down my face as they surrounded me in prayer and love.

I really believed that it was possible that we would be pregnant.

When the pregnancy test was negative, I felt a sort of calm, knowing God had answered—Not Now.

So, where does this leave us?

I don’t think I want to continue with medicated cycles.

Actually, I know I don’t want to (it’s just scary to write that because I am scared to let go of the only way I have control over getting pregnant)

What? That doesn’t make sense. I have been doing this for a long enough time to know that I don’t have control over getting pregnant, regardless how much I try… and yet, there is some part of my brain that still thinks that my decision to take medication means I will get pregnant.

Have I placed too much of my hope in medicine and not enough in the power of nature?

In my depths, I know I’m ready to move on from medicated cycles.

So, where do we go from here?


Am I to move onto adoption and put the desires of my heart in having my own bio kids aside for now?

Hubby and I looked into a couple of adoption options. We had some interviews with international agencies. I met with a girlfriend who was just matched after 18 months of waiting for a domestic adoption.

I guess I’m ready to move on?

I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right, yet.

Adoption will be a part of our story, at least I think it will. But is there another way to have our own bio kids?


IVF stares at me.

I have friends who have gone and are going, through it.
Their insurance covers some of it.

Ours doesn’t.

In fact, if we were to go down the road of IVF, we would have to look for new insurance coverage because the one we are on would not cover an IVF pregnancy.

Long story there.

When it comes to IVF though, there are numerous stories- many successful, some not.

The price is astounding for me.

We begin to do our research… all options near and far.

We have looked into International IVF- learning that the clinics in Barbados, Mexico, Czech, Spain, and Israel are pretty reputable.

The cost is much less, which is easier to stomach and in fact, the prices quoted are less than what we have spent this past year on the medicated cycles.

It seems like such a big decision.

Traveling to another country is a bit daunting to me for this type of procedure. In fact, it’s almost turning me off, thinking the issues wrapped up with the travel piece is not worth it for me. The timing has to be perfect and there are a few unknown factors that I would hate to miss.

Imagine- flying across the border, or the Atlantic, just to learn that there weren’t enough eggs to pull, or there weren’t enough viable embryos to use. What would we do? Fly back to the States, and rebook a trip the following month to fly back across the Pond in hopes that the next time is better?

I don’t know. This one is a little more of a decision that might take some getting used to, not to mention a major nudge confirming this is the right next step.

We will continue to research options and find the right fit for this step.

Showing up is all we can do.

One remains…

I thought this cycle was a bust a few days ago and I felt it in my heart. Disappointment.

Here I sit with one wonderful, large follicle and Dr. G is happy.

He sends me home with an HCG trigger shot to give myself in 2 days.

This time it’s a shot in my stomach and I can give it to myself– Hubby is off the hook.

We also get clear instructions on when we are to be together.

These instructions are different than what our OBGYN said so I’m a bit confused and my brain gets activated.

Wait a second?

My OBGYN said to be together every other day leading up to the day of Ovulation and then once the smiley is solid then be together that day and one more day following…

This time I’m hearing NOT to be together until 2 days after the shot and then again the following.

Which one is right?

I don’t know. As much as I want to Google search all the different ways that are recommended.

I surrender.

I don’t know what’s best and we are paying the CCRM clinic a lot of money for their expertise on this so I decided to let go of all the ‘figuring it out’ and just follow along with what they said.

I’m a bit scared. I am grateful for the opportunity to have another chance at having our own biological child and am praying I can relax into these next few days.


Two days ago, I gave myself the trigger shot. It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought. Just grabbed a bit of skin and stuck it in there.

Here we are- the two days Dr. G said to enjoy and I’m scared.

What if this doesn’t work?

What if we have to go through another round of all these tests and medications?

My face hurt with acne from the large dose this time around and I don’t want to go through it again… God, please work in us in these next 2 days. I am praying for a miracle and for the opportunity to be pregnant and give birth and have stretch marks

(Do I even know what I’m asking for right now?)

I know I will be ok if this is not Gods will and not the right timing for us to become parents, but at the same time, I do pray that we are able to and that my body responds and Hubby’s swimmers are strong and ready and that it all comes together.

I have a painful/weird feeling in my right ovary area this morning along with a weird sensation and my body feels ‘off’.

I take it as a sign that I’m ovulating.

Our time together hurts a bit but I keep focusing on what this could mean for us and pray that this is the beginning of our growing family.

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God, your will be done. May we receive whatever it is you have for us knowing your desires are good.

 

We’ve shown up and done what we can and again we wait. We’ve been here before.

What’s new is this time we will go in for a progesterone level test in a week to make sure my levels are where they are supposed to be to welcome the beginning stages of our baby.

God, we surrender.

Part 2… Round 1

GST-674-07-770x300.jpgHere we go… round 1 with CCRM.

Blood Draw

Before Dr. G can prescribe the Letrozole, I have to go in for a blood draw to confirm I’m not pregnant. I find that to be ironic or funny.

A piece of me hopes that I am, that we don’t have to go through another round.

Wouldn’t that be amazing to receive the news that they can’t prescribe the medication because I’m already pregnant!

A girl can dream.

Confirmed: not pregnant

Ultra Sound

I then need to go in for an ultrasound to ensure I don’t have any cyst that would ‘eat’ the medication.

Confirmed: no cysts

Side comment: the technician did ask if I’ve heard of PCOS before because I have cystic-type ovaries.

… Funny.

Letrozole

Here we go!

Medication: prescribed

Dose: begin taking 2 pills daily for 7 days.

I understand the side effects to be different than Clomid and am hoping that my face doesn’t break out like a pizza and my skin doesn’t hurt like a stuffed sausage.

That was painful and uncomfortable.

Intrigued by the hope of Dr. G, I proceed with hopeful caution.

Hubby is a bit more skeptical as he recalls our OBGYN being just as optimistic.

I guess I just can’t get stuck in the weeds of the ‘what ifs’ and will choose to take it one day at a time, one dose of medication at a time.


Day 6-

The medication hasn’t been too terrible. Actually, I haven’t seen too much of a change except my energy level is a bit low. Praise God that’s all it’s been.

I’m a bit nervous that the medication hasn’t done anything for me because I haven’t had cramps or pains in my lower abdomen and just hope and pray that things are still reacting even though I can’t feel it.

We will wait until day 9 to visit the doctor for a second ultrasound. This will be the indicator as to the reaction to the medication and also where we will learn our next steps.

I am grateful Dr. G has not outlined every step for us as I was too caught up in counting days and plotting out our next moves.

I literally can’t do that this time around. I just get to live in this day, this moment.

God, I trust you and believe you know the timing for our growing family.