We have become information gatherers.

Clicking through websites, reading reviews, talking with friends and friends of friends, scrolling through Reddit posts, praying, journaling, and just waiting.

Side note: Through our visits with different doctors, I was diagnosed with PCOS (again). I’m over the idea of diagnosis. At this point, I don’t really care, as long as we can get pregnant.

I am tired.

I know this is a big decision and it would be so much easier if someone would make it for me. It doesn’t work that way.

I am an adult and adults make decisions and learn to live with the outcomes.

I just don’t want to make a decision because I don’t want to be wrong and I certainly don’t want to regret the path we decide to take… wondering, what if…

As I mentioned, we have done our research, from Colorado-based clinics to North Carolina, Maryland, New York, Barbados, Mexico, Canada, Israel, and the Czech Republic.

There is no shortage of IVF clinics around the world.

The question is which one is going to be our best option for becoming pregnant and carrying a baby full-term?

We have learned that the percentage of success with a fresh transfer is much lower and therefore it would be recommended to do a frozen transfer… meaning at least 2 cycles and 2 separate visits to whichever clinic we decide upon.

The lingo has become second nature to me so let me share the process:

  • Since I don’t have a period to even begin this process, that is where they will begin.
  • I will start birth control to get my body onto a cycle. I will take medication for 21 days and then go off to create a bleed. Day 1.
  • Starting on Day 2 or 3, I will begin follicle stimulating medications (these are shots) on a daily basis for upwards of 10 days.
  • Doctors will monitor the medication through bloodwork and ultrasounds, measuring the size of the follicles. The goal is to get as many follicles growing as possible.
  • Around day 10-12 of my cycle, I will give myself an HCG trigger shot to force ovulation.
  • 36 hours after the shot they will put me under (with anesthesia) and surgically remove the eggs from my body. They do this by sticking each follicle-cyst with a needle that drains the liquid carrying the egg into the doctor’s care.
  • From here they will use Hubby’s sample and fertilize all the viable eggs.
  • Watching the eggs for 5-6 days to see which are growing healthy cells they can insert an egg back in me. This is a Fresh transfer.
  • The remaining eggs (now called blastocysts) are tested for proper chromosomes.
  • The healthy blastocysts are frozen to be used another time.
  • When we were ready, doctor’s would then recreate a cycle through medication and by suppressing ovulation would then transfer one of our eggs back into me. This is called a Frozen transfer.

There is a higher success rate for Frozen transfers based on a variety of factors.

  • The blastocysts used are chromosomally healthy
  • The body is clear of the medications used for stimulation

All this makes me wonder if I’m trying too hard to make something happen that clearly is not in the cards for me.

Meaning, this whole process is supposed to happen naturally. Instead, IVF is the process by which doctors take over the whole conception process and MAKE it all happen. (Although they don’t make the baby stay in… meaning there is still a whole lot of God in all of this process of the baby attaching and growing healthy to full-term).

Since my body doesn’t do it naturally then maybe I need to simply accept that my body is not created to do this whole getting pregnant thing on its own and to let it be.

I am wrestling with this.

I know God created women to carry babies and even commanded that we be fruitful and multiply. God, we are trying! WHY don’t you help us fulfill this?

I know that my body has not ‘worked’ normally for years:

  • So is it MY WILL trying to have my own baby?


  • It is for me to be grateful that modern science has closed the gap for those of us whose bodies don’t work as they are supposed to?

When I sit with this, I am torn. I just want God to bless us with children.

But I want so badly to have a family and to have my own babies. When I sit quietly, I know God is with me and that He is pleased with either decision (IVF or adoption).

So what is the next step?

We sit on opposite sides of the street, disconnected. With all the research on which clinic we would go with, Hubby and I are split.Image result for disconnected

Currently, I feel comfortable with the two Colorado-based clinics (CCRM and Conceptions). Hubby feels comfortable with a clinic abroad.

I don’t like being disconnected. It’s much easier when we are on the same team and the same page moving forward. So does this mean we are at a wash? Needing to agree to disagree on how to move forward with IVF?


What this means then is that I am going to have to move on from IVF and begin looking into adoption.

Am I ready to move on from IVF?


But if Hubby and I aren’t able to be on the same page, I might have to.

Can Someone Tell Me What to Do?

It doesn’t feel right to continue. We have been praying over the past 8 cycles for God to gift us with a baby and the answer has not been in the direction of my desire. Is it me? Might I be too stressed with other responsibilities and commitments in my life that I am holding myself back from being able to conceive? My drive to create and do in life is a beautiful thing. Yet, it can quickly move into overdrive as I commit to doing too many things at one time, not leaving as much time to sit and be, rest and relax. Although I feel I have been slowing down so much more than I have in my previous years, I question if it’s been enough.

I can’t go down that road of ‘what if’ and so I will stop that line of thinking.

I emailed Dr G., asking his guidance as to what to do next. This downtime has been good for me to gain neutrality and a little perspective as I’m not ‘in’ the mix of medications and doctors appointments. It feels good to relax from it all.

Quite honestly, I was relieved when I received the response from Dr G.

It’s time to move forward into IVF, per his recommendation, stating we have tried many times and with the results thus far it’s the next step.

Not what I want to hear as I’m not sure I can justify spending the amount of money that has been quoted for IVF here in the States.

What I do know is that a child is a priceless gift and $20-50,000 may seem like pennies in the long-run. How will this work? I am still torn with what to do.

Why can’t someone just give me the answer? To do IVF or to adopt?which-direction-640x375.png

Hubby and I share opinions around IVF and come to the same conclusion, that we are both open to exploring the idea.

I can’t say I don’t feel uncomfortable as I know IVF is taking fertility to the next level and I want to be careful not to be putting my hope, fully into the world of medicine.

It’s a miracle that we cannot place an egg and sperm together

Now the options are between adoption and IVF.

I will begin my research on the varieties of clinics and pay scales associated with IVF.

This is where things stand:

We have looked into the following clinics and have set up consults with doctors in each clinic. Gather as much information as possible, that’s what I know to do.

  • CCRM (Colorado)
  • Conceptions (Colorado)
  • Dr. Trout (Colorado)
  • Shady Grove (Maryland)
  • ReProfit (Czech Republic)

We shall see what each says.

God help us to know your will and direction in this process. There are so many decisions to make and I don’t want to go down a road that is not going to be fruitful. I surrender this to you, Lord.

The Longing Grows, but I Need to Change

The time away from medication has been a delight. Over the past 7 weeks, I have felt my body deflate from the bloating, my mind rest from the thoughts and my heart calm down from the emotions. I am moving back to what feels normal again and I am grateful for the breath of fresh air. It is indeed a much-needed break.

For the most part, I feel calm about our journey. I know we are in the process of gathering information for our next steps and know that we will be at peace whatever we decide.

Do we go for IVF or do we begin the process of adoption? The golden question with an unclear answer at this point.

My heart does hurt to have a family. I was with my little nephews and it stirs my heart to want to have some of my own little people to help guide, grow, nurture, and teach.

Yes, exhausting as it seems to be, my heart is slowly nudging me in the direction of having kids and seeing the abundance of life that comes with having them in my life.

This process is a messy one and I don’t expect to have it all figured out before the little ones come, but I do see that I am more prone to want a family than not, and this is something I cannot ignore.

When we started this journey back in December 2014 (that’s when we pulled the goalie, so to speak), I thought I wasn’t ready and needed to get a better job that had more flexible hours that would support me working from home. I was kicking myself for not choosing a better major in college or career path after college that would support me being a working mom. Why couldn’t I make more money to be able to work fewer hours a week?

I began trying to change my life in order to fit the kids I was hoping to have… and what I have found is all these new adventures in trying to figure it out has left me putting the cart before the horse. Maybe it’s time to just slow down my ‘figure it out’ side of my brain and just relax.

I always hear relaxing is what helps people get pregnant. Might this be a key ingredient I have been missing?

Simplifying my life and slowing my mind down.

I’m prone to ‘go’.

My entire life has been a to-do list, moving from one stage of my life to the next, packing in as many experiences as possible in each season. Might this be a season for me to take things off my plate and just ‘be’ for a while?Image result for change


Letting go of the commitments I love to be apart of might be more painful than not being able to get pregnant, but what if this is going to help me become pregnant?

Maybe all the things I’m committed too need to be put on hold for now and can be picked back up later, when these little humans have arrived and are napping, playing, or at school.

I haven’t been willing to really change, until now. (I hope).

My heart swelled with emotion as I saw my nephews playing mixed with the background of other families engaging in laughter while the little ones shouted ‘look at me, dad’ from the distance.

Will I get to experience this? Am I too late?

Sometimes it feels as though I have missed the boat and I will never be ‘there’. It’s easy for me to wallow in the ‘if only’s’ and the ‘why not’s’.

Why is this road so much longer than other people around me? Why didn’t the medicated cycles work for us?

The WHY’s never really seemed to be wise questions to ask.

Would they work if we give it another couple of rounds?

Thankfully, at least for today, I feel at peace knowing that the medicated cycles are not an option for us anymore. I know we gave it a good try and with Dr. G’s support, we are moving on from that.

It’s time for the next level, may it be IVF or adoption, and the next level of surrender in my own life. I can’t do it all right now and the tears are flowing a little more often now, as I desire a family.

Even though I am scared, I am beginning to look at having kids as an opportunity for adventure and growth instead of a scary unknown. Maybe it really is the best thing that will happen to me. I have got to give this a shot because my heart hurts too much not to.

Moving on… to what?

It’s been a month of healing for me. Not having to think about my body being in the tip-top condition for a life to begin, I worked out as much as I wanted and enjoyed being fully present with my current status in life.

There was a second about 2 weeks into this month where I pondered tracking and trying to get pregnant, but quickly let that thought go as I’m exhausted.

It’s been tiring tracking and plotting, waiting and hoping.

I am amazed that we are over a year into this fertility journey of medication and doctors manipulating my body and cycle for optimum results.

I really didn’t think I would be here, still.

When I was 16, my OBGYN said it would be a long road to become pregnant, but I certainly didn’t expect this.

Call it my eternal sunshine, but I can’t help but have hope that God will work a miracle in our lives.

I choose to believe that he is continuing to write an incredible story that will show his love and provision. Not to mention, that he is using this to teach me about his faithfulness and all-knowing nature.

Am I ready to move on?Image result for decisions

The thought has crossed my mind many times.

We have prayed and shown up for all the fertility options given by our doctors.

This past round, my girlfriends spent time intentionally praying for God’s will to be done. Tears streamed down my face as they surrounded me in prayer and love.

I really believed that it was possible that we would be pregnant.

When the pregnancy test was negative, I felt a sort of calm, knowing God had answered—Not Now.

So, where does this leave us?

I don’t think I want to continue with medicated cycles.

Actually, I know I don’t want to (it’s just scary to write that because I am scared to let go of the only way I have control over getting pregnant)

What? That doesn’t make sense. I have been doing this for a long enough time to know that I don’t have control over getting pregnant, regardless how much I try… and yet, there is some part of my brain that still thinks that my decision to take medication means I will get pregnant.

Have I placed too much of my hope in medicine and not enough in the power of nature?

In my depths, I know I’m ready to move on from medicated cycles.

So, where do we go from here?

Am I to move onto adoption and put the desires of my heart in having my own bio kids aside for now?

Hubby and I looked into a couple of adoption options. We had some interviews with international agencies. I met with a girlfriend who was just matched after 18 months of waiting for a domestic adoption.

I guess I’m ready to move on?

I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right, yet.

Adoption will be a part of our story, at least I think it will. But is there another way to have our own bio kids?

IVF stares at me.

I have friends who have gone and are going, through it.
Their insurance covers some of it.

Ours doesn’t.

In fact, if we were to go down the road of IVF, we would have to look for new insurance coverage because the one we are on would not cover an IVF pregnancy.

Long story there.

When it comes to IVF though, there are numerous stories- many successful, some not.

The price is astounding for me.

We begin to do our research… all options near and far.

We have looked into International IVF- learning that the clinics in Barbados, Mexico, Czech, Spain, and Israel are pretty reputable.

The cost is much less, which is easier to stomach and in fact, the prices quoted are less than what we have spent this past year on the medicated cycles.

It seems like such a big decision.

Traveling to another country is a bit daunting to me for this type of procedure. In fact, it’s almost turning me off, thinking the issues wrapped up with the travel piece is not worth it for me. The timing has to be perfect and there are a few unknown factors that I would hate to miss.

Imagine- flying across the border, or the Atlantic, just to learn that there weren’t enough eggs to pull, or there weren’t enough viable embryos to use. What would we do? Fly back to the States, and rebook a trip the following month to fly back across the Pond in hopes that the next time is better?

I don’t know. This one is a little more of a decision that might take some getting used to, not to mention a major nudge confirming this is the right next step.

We will continue to research options and find the right fit for this step.