infertility

The Big “O”

/ Hilary / 3 Comments

Stay calm, serene, relaxed. do anything I can to avoid stress.

Waiting for a positive indication on the ovulation stick to affirm that my body is working and ready.

Day 12– a big ‘O’ starred at me. Taunting me.

Day 13- a big ‘O’ sat there on the screen. Unapologetic.

Day 14– error.

What? Something happened where I need to retest but have to wait a few hours to pee again. So I wait until the afternoon hours to retest, wondering if this will be the day that I see that blinking smiley face. Fearful that I won’t and even more fearful that I won’t ovulate this month.

I asked about The Shot. You know the one that you can get that will essentially jump start ovulation. My doctor hesitated a moment because she explained that since my day 14 is on a Sunday, we would have to wait until Day 15 and by that point, it may be too late. Ugh! What is up with the timing of all of this?! Everything has to be so precise- to the day.

It reminds me that this act of creating a baby IS a miracle and that our bodies are created to precision. There is no mistake in the way God has made us and no science more powerful than Gods will.

If He wants us to get pregnant, we will get pregnant. I do believe this. And with that- I will rest and relax into the process.

Day 14- afternoon- I retest and it’s still a big “O”. Really? I guess nothing about this process is going to be easy for us.

 Day 15– Call the doctors.
Onto the next step… another doctors appointment tomorrow to see what’s going on.

Double the Dose of Clomid

/ Hilary / 4 Comments

Ok so I freaked out in a recent post because of my fear that I would have to wait more time than I already need to because I don’t have a natural period. Thankfully, two days after I completed the 10 days of Provera, I got a bleed. Short, one-day bleed that constitutes my day 1, wahoo!

Again, it’s the small things that I need to celebrate on this road and if it’s a bleed, I’ll take it. This is a sign that I have another month of hope for becoming pregnant and the fun can begin.

The OB wasn’t able to get me in for an ultrasound until day 4 and when they did, they did not see any signs of PCOs. What? I am pretty confused by this point as my ultrasound in 2016 clearly showed a string of pearl like visual in my ovaries. Not today.

I do not know what this means about my diagnosis and what I need to be doing for my health, but I am just trying to go with it. Trusting the doctors are the experts and possibly see this all the time, I am choosing to let go and be apart of the strategic process.

They did see the cyst again that appears to be next to my uterus and has not changed in size, so they are not concerned, so I won’t be concerned.

All clear to start round 2 of Clomid, doubling the dose, days 5-9 of my cycle! Praying for good healthy follicles to grow so we can get this show on the road!

Today I am hopeful.

Fallopian Tube Roto Rooter

/ Hilary / 4 Comments

I’m pretty sure my doctor thinks I’m nuts. I emailed her after my massage/energy healer experience (click here if you haven’t read about it) and asked what would need to take place for us to get a better look at my fallopian tubes to see if there is a blockage. She responded with the recommendation of a sono-hysterosalpingogram, also known as a FemVue.

I’ve had friends do this and although not the best way to visualize the procedure, it can be a roto rooter for the fallopian tubes- cleaning any obstructions out so eggs can travel more efficiently. recall how unpleasant of an experience this is, but I know it’s what we need to do.

We scheduled it for the following week and my husband was gracious to want to come and support me through the procedure.

After the typical pleasantries with the ultrasound lady, who I now feel I have a relationship with, the doctor entered the room. She explained what would take place and what we are hoping to see.

Using a catheter placed through the cervix into the uterus, she will shoot a mixture of saline and air contrast up my uterus and into each of the fallopian tubes. The mixture will produce so we can see it on the ultrasound monitor. If there are any issues, the bubbles will not flow smoothly and they will investigate to see what the issue may be.

This whole catheterization process is not the most comfortable (similar but more intense/invasive female exam) and as she begins to insert the mixture, it feels as though I am peeing myself (in a weird way).

She starts on the left— no issues there and the bubbles flow easily.

Onto the right—no bubbles. There seems to be a block of some sort. WHAT? She tries it again and it flows much better. She looks at me and says: “looks like there was a small block of tissue or something on your right fallopian tube, but we were able to get it out with the force of the saline this second time and now it’s clear!”

There seems to be a block of some sort. Oh my gosh… WHAT?

She tries it again and it flows much better. She looks at me and says: “looks like there was a small block of tissue or something on your right fallopian tube, but we were able to get it out with the force of the saline this second time and now it’s clear!”

She looks at me and says: “looks like there was a small block of tissue or something on your right fallopian tube, but we were able to get it out with the force of the saline this second time and now it’s clear!”

I am amazed at this point. The massage/healer lady was right?

What would have happened if I didn’t go to this massage lady? The doctors weren’t planning to check for anything until after a few more rounds of Clomid, meaning 2-4 more months of trying and waiting.

Is it possible that God used this massage lady to speak to me about my body?

I take this encounter as a God-wink and am excited to know my fallopian tubes are now ready for action!

The rest of the afternoon was not pleasant as I felt major cramping, as the doctor said I would. The only position that felt good was on my side on the couch.

My husband felt horrible that I was in such pain and I only know this is the first of what’s to come with all the body changes that occur when growing a baby. I’m grateful to have him by my side through the pain and discomfort.

Back to Baby-Talk

/ Hilary / 4 Comments

Happy holidays!

It has been a long time since I wrote and thought it would be a good time to start up again.

As I last wrote, my husband and I were taking time away from the baby-making focus and putting our energies into our work. Over the past 6 months, I have been working feverishly on my coaching business and feel my time and energy will pay off soon.

A funny thing happened over the past month though, a shift in our priorities.

Maybe it was when Daniel blew out his candles on his 36th birthday cake, or maybe it was the constant stream of ‘presents’, To-Be-Delivered-in-6-months left under the Christmas tree by The Stork to what seems ALL of my friends on Facebook (more on this in my next post)… either way, we have caught Baby Fever and are revisiting our options.

So here I am, back writing about the journey towards having a baby.

Let me bring those of you up to speed…

I am a healthy 33 years old, who has never received a period without medical assistance. From the age of 16-31, I was on and off birth control pills prescribed solely to give myself a period. I have facial hair (thank you laser hair removal), adult acne and have struggled with my weight in the past and don’t today (thank you God). All this leads to a a diagnosed, then undiagnosed and then re-diagnosed Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) diagnosis.

The strange thing to me though, is none of the medication for PCOS helps. I have ingested a medicine cabinet full of medication that is to help patients with PCOS regain a bit of ‘normalcy’, but it didn’t do much for this body. It simply brought about painful acne, huge mood swings and cramping.

The final response from my doctors was to try Clomid and/or acupuncture when I’m ready to take the next step.

From December 2014 when I went off birth control and began engaging in unprotected sex. I had it in my head that we could get pregnant and was meddling in the ideas of… ‘Maybe this is the time when…’.

For a period of time, I was peeing on Ovulation sticks and taking my Basal Temperature. All in hopes of tracking my Ovulation without having the typical ‘first day of period’ to gauge from.

In the 4 months I was tracking for Ovulation, I got one :)… which means ovulation… I think it’s pretty crappy that the sign of Ovulation is a :), because that makes every other day a 😦 or nothing on the screen at all… I kind of don’t like 🙂 anymore.

At the same time, I knew it would be a road to journey with potential medication or other fertility treatment and so we also revisited the conversation of adoption.

When we began dating, adoption was an easy agreement. Both of us want to adopt, regardless if we can birth our own.

For the past year have been ‘gently’ mentioning that it will take 2-5 years in many circumstances to receive a child, pending where we decide to adopt… so we may want to start the paperwork process now… (hint, hint)…

After 6 months of my causal info dropping and split energy between priorities of work and family, we decided to put a hold on all baby talk until 2017.

Side note: My husband has always wanted a family and is the more, should I say, reasonable & realistic out of the two of us. I tend to bite off more than I can chew and he approaches decisions methodically, with thought, prayer and discernment.

He is good for me like that- he knows that when I get focused on something, I tend to run after it with complete effort and energy.

So this is where we are… ready to move forward and take the steps God has for us may it be conceiving or adopting… or both!

Excited to be sick? Something’s off…

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

5227053414_4dbd66037f_bOver the past several days, I have felt sick. My stomach was ‘off’ and I felt ‘punk’ (you know… when you aren’t fully engaged with the world because your mind is slower and there are hints feeling low and ill). I felt my boobs to see if they were more sore (they weren’t). The waves of stomach icky continued. Let me be clear though, this wasn’t the throwing up, it was the other- but I had actually convinced myself that I could be pregnant.

Well, this was me and to be honest, I was a little excited! Could I be pregnant? Is this the beginning of morning sickness?

I went as far as peeing on the pregnancy stick to see if I was… Reading the instructions I knew I would have to wait 2 minutes before I would see any results, and yet as soon as I looked at it- there was a huge ” – ” on the screen, definitely not pregnant.

My heart dropped. Feeling a bit let down. After all… I had actually hoped that maybe… possibly…

Guess I have just had a bad case of something… but it’s not a baby.

What’s so interesting to me through this is the fact that my husband and I have already openly discussed how we are both focusing on our business ventures to become more consistent in our incomes and that we aren’t ‘trying’.

But what does ‘not trying’ mean when you’re married and wanting to have a family?

Is it just a mental game we play with ourselves to convince us not to obsess about something, when we have no control over it? Is it a way to distract ourselves so we don’t get worried about why things aren’t happening? Maybe it’s just a way for me to keep my head on straight and not get too over-worked and analytical about, everything.

I’ll be honest (again) with you. I would love to become pregnant because that would mean we would start our family! Yet, I’m terribly scared for many reasons, but these 2 are pretty clear.

  1. I am wanting to grow my business to be my full-time focus and for it to bring in clients on a consistent basis and this takes a ton of time and energy. It’s kinda like it’s own baby in some ways. (Is this selfish?)
  2. I am scared about what becoming pregnant and having a baby will do for my life as I know it today. Everything will change, I won’t have my daily routine as it is today, I will be living for more than just my husband and me. I will become a mom and take on the realities of ALL this entails.

So I’m kinda stuck in the in between. Although we have been ‘trying’ for 1.5  years… I do feel God is continuing to work on the two of us. We have had a lot of great discussions and I have become more aware of my fears. Little by slow, I’m working through them and am seeing my thoughts and perspectives change and my heart soften.

Currently, I’ve been hanging out with my nephews quite a bit! This isbaby griffin Griffin, he’s 4 months old and his big brother Cooper is almost 5 years! I’ve spend long days with these guys and it’s certainly given me a great appreciation for parents and the sacrifice it is to be a hands-on parent.

My hubby and I are being prepared for a life change, and to help us remember that we are not in control and that He is the giver of life.

“Wait quietly in my presence while My thoughts form silently in the depths of your being.” Jesus Calling

My desire is to surrender my thoughts, ideas, plans, timing, worries, unknowns to God and sit quietly in His presence.