Lab Rats

March 19, 2018 / Hilary / 2 Comments

It feels as though we are lab rats.

Hubby and I both went to CCRM for a morning of tests that will give Dr. G more information about the two of us and what might be the best course of action to take.

Starting with a urine sample to ensure I am not pregnant, I sort of thought it would be such a fun surprise if they came out and said, “well, we have bad news and good news. The bad news is that we will not be able to do any testing this morning and the good news is you’re pregnant!”

They didn’t.

I proceeded to have a Baseline Ultrasound ($400) where everything looked better than I expected. My uterine lining is thicker than normal and I had 7 follicles in one ovary and 8 in the other! The technician thought I was mid-cycle, pretty cool!

Not sure what that means for us though.

I then was pricked for a blood draw to test: ($555).

Hubby went for his test to see if he has any sperm antibodies that might be hindering the “egg search” ($117).

Then I was taken for my HSG, where they shoot dye up into my uterus and see it move through the fallopian tubes into the ovaries and then out into the body. I was able to see it on the screen as the dye was being injected and sure enough, it spread throughout just as it is supposed to. It was not as painful as the FemVue (the bubbles) I had done 6 months ago, just uncomfortable with minor cramping.

Here’s what I learned:

The uterus flips and flops on a regular basis and so today mine was tiled upside down essentially. The technician was not concerned as she sees them flip and flop almost daily.
I have a heart-shaped uterus (either a partial septate or bicornate uterus). Today it looks more like a “Y”. This is a bit more concerning.
If Dr. G feels it’s too deep of a “Y” then there may need to be a surgical procedure before moving forward with any medication. A normal uterus is more of a triangle shape at the top with a stick coming out the bottom.

So either:

We move forward with medication as Dr. G is not concerned
Dr. G will want a closer look through a hysteroscopy (where he looks through a microscopic camera) to get a better look at what’s causing the “Y”.

It could be the way my uterus is formed, increased cells gathering or some mass resting on that part of the wall. With a Bicornate uterus, there are greater chances of miscarriage, breech birth, higher deformities and disruptions in the in-uterine development, and possible automatic C-section during birth.

Yuck, I do not like this news.

I am not going to get too wrapped up in the facts and details until I talk with Dr. G. Although it would stink to have to go in for another test procedure, I’d rather know what we are dealing with to ensure a healthy, safe home for our baby to grow.

Today, I go in for my annual OB-GYN appointment and get a full head-to-toe exam plus some more cell gathering and an additional blood draw.

Our follow-up appointment with Dr. G. to understand what’s going and the next steps won’t be for another few weeks (busy man), but I’m ok with that. Give me a chance to work on other things in my life and practice faith in God and what He’s doing and trusting in His timing.

Besides, I need a break from all this prodding and poking!

Patience in the Wait

February 16, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

Today is 15 days after my projected Ovulation day. Typically, women begin their period 14 days after Ovulation, that is what is called the Luteal phase of a cycle. I am trying not to get my hopes up that this means I’m pregnant, but time seems to have slowed down as we wait a few more days before testing for pregnancy. I don’t want to have another false positive and feel the hopeful anticipation boiling up inside of me.

I am praying that I don’t get a period and am scared to see my hopes crushed. I don’t want to have that deflating feeling again. At least at this moment in my life, there is a possibility that we are pregnant. As soon as I see signs of a period, that hope for this round goes away. I won’t want to lose hope.

Trying not to analyze every feeling I am having in my body as being an early sign of pregnancy. I’m more tired, my boobs are sore, I have a bit of back pain… could go either way.

God help me trust you. If I do get my period, it doesn’t mean that the possibilities to become pregnant or have a baby or grow a family goes away. It means you have a better timeframe than I do and I can’t do anything about it but accept it and trust you.

The fear of letting go of my timeframe is that I don’t know what it will look like. The unknown can be uncomfortable because I don’t know how to prepare for it. Controlling the schedule and the process gives me a false sense of assurance that I will be ok and that I will know how to handle the situations when they come.

I am scared of being caught off guard and having things happen that hurt the very depths of my being. One of my greatest fears that I try to protect myself against is the gut-wrenching anguish and sorrow of loss and depression. How do I balance having hope without getting too vulnerable to the trials in life? Is it an option to live this life and experience all the joys and highs without also feeling the sorrows and lows? I don’t want to numb myself out of the world completely, I just want to protect myself from being hurt.

I could stop trying for a baby, but that would be me walking away from a desire I have deep in my heart. I have to throw my hat in the ring in order to have a shot at the prize. It’s just so scary to show up to life when the elements of the day can be so unknown. God help protect me from the things I cannot see or do not know.

Emotional rollercoaster

January 9, 2018 / Hilary / 2 Comments

We didn’t even have to debate how long we should wait until we take a pregnancy test. I woke up today with an achy back and knew that something was going to happen and sure enough it did! I got a period.

What a mixture of emotions. I’m not really sure how to think or feel at the moment.

I was really thinking that we were pregnant this time around and what is frustrating is we are doing EVERYTHING we are supposed to be doing to make it work and it’s not working.

What are we doing wrong or what is wrong with my body that the egg (if there is one inside these follicles we are seeing) is not meeting up with the sperm (which have said to be strong) and then implanting in the uterine lining (that I’m wearing estrogen patches for to build the thickness).

What are we missing? Why haven’t we become pregnant and how much longer do we have to go through these ups and downs.

I’m starting to question how many rounds of fertility my mind and heart can take.

Getting so hopeful and being positive for what could be this time around is helpful, but tiring. I’m tired of the letdown and the emotions that come with knowing that there is not a baby forming this month.

And there may not ever be. We won’t know that until we walk this path for a while.

I am super excited to have a period, don’t miss that. This means I don’t have to go through 10 days of Provera (progesterone) to force a period. My body is actually reacting normally right now which is positive.

Might this be the month then, if I’m reacting normally and we are on a higher dose of Clomid?

We visit the doctor this week to get checked out and decide our course of action.

Am I ready (mentally) to do another round? God, do you want us to keep trying with all the doctor interventions?

Sometimes I question if we are supposed to simply let go altogether of the medications and the doctor’s appointments and let God work his miracles completely on his own… I mean, he is powerful enough, right?

False positive…

November 18, 2017October 7, 2017 / Hilary / 7 Comments

OUCH! The pain is incredibly sharp. I have no idea where this came from. It started around 2:30pm and seemed like hunger pains in the middle of my stomach. Very strange for me to have these pains as I haven’t had hunger pains in a very long time. Those of you who know me, know that I’m very structured around when, what, and how much I eat so this seems strange.

I drink water.

Doesn’t go away.

Turns into a major aching and it’s clear it is no longer hunger pains but something else rolling around in my stomach. It feels as though there is acid eating away at my stomach lining, burning through each layer. The thought of citrus or tomato makes my stomach turn. I’m not nauseous, just extremely agitated.

They subside after dinnertime.

2:45pm the next day, same pains, same ache, same routine.

Could I be pregnant?! Is this what people are talking about when they say their body is being taken over by a parasite because there is no doubting that it feels as though something is sucking my insides dry.

If I am pregnant, this pain is worth it and I’ll gladly endure the unrest to have something growing inside of me. If not, then what in the world is this?

Could it be my body is flushing the mixture of hormones I was just given between estrogen and the HCG shot?

This continues for a week and by now I am anxious to pee on that darn stick to know if all this is because of Maxwell Bean growing in there.

One week later (after returning from a weekend trip), both my hubby and I get the stomach crampy pains.

Wait… what?

Could it be that it was just a stomach bug that started at 3pm every day and subsided at 6pm and is now moving to later in the afternoon/night?

I am incredibly confused and bummed that it could have just been a stomach virus all along. Not to mention the fact that both of us are feeling ill and impatient to know if we are pregnant.

I have 3 First Response Early detection pregnancy tests staring at me in the bathroom.

I could use one every other day from 6 days prior to the projected start of my next period, all the way up until the day I am to start… I do it.

Wait for it….

Wait

For

WAHOO! There is a line…

I am beyond thrilled

and jumpy as I see a (faint) line.

Ok so it’s not very visible, but I CAN see it, Hubby can see it… we are

Cautious.

I don’t believe it; I won’t believe it until I hear it from the doctor.

Immediately we pull out our laptops and begin researching ‘faint line on pregnancy test’ and come up with multiple affirmations that a faint line is still a line and means we’re pregnant!

But then I scroll down to see that people who have received the HCG Trigger shot may have remanences of the shot in their system up to 14 days after the test! (Based on 10,000 units can last 10-14 days).

Here we are 10 days after the shot.

My heart sank.
It’s possible this line is picking up the HCG from the shot and not that I’m pregnant.

BUMMER!

The doctor said to wait a few days and test again, if the line gets darker than it could indicate that we are pregnant, signifying the HCG is increasing.

2 days later I test.

I get a line!

It seems a bit darker this time around and we are a bit excited but know that the real test will come on day 14.

At this point, I am pretty hopeful that we are pregnant and trying not to start planning on when Maxwell Bean will be due.

The stomach ick continues, although it seems to have shifted as it’s more at night and I’m starting to question if I got a stomach bug (diarrhea and all, yuck).

Today I did have excruciating cramps in my stomach as though something was clawing at my stomach muscles from the inside out.

…I got excited.

Is this the implantation cramping I’ve read about?

Or is it my pre-menstrual cramps?

I’m continuing to pray for Maxwell Bean as I am choosing to believe I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

My back aches… and I don’t feel well.

My thoughts turn negative. I am already scared to lose the baby.

I have read too much about miscarriages happening in the early weeks of pregnancy.

In many cases, the early pregnancy tests are hurting our social psyche because they detect very low HCG levels, leaving great risk for miscarriages the days leading up to the next month’s scheduled period. Most don’t realize they are miscarrying because the period covers up the bleed.

Up to 75% of implantations lead to miscarriages.

I am really not wanting to feel the pain of being in that statistic and therefore am scared to get excited about the faint lines out of self-preservation.

I don’t want to get excited just to miscarry and lose hope of what’s possible, lose a life, and have to go through this process again.

I feel selfish saying that as I know I haven’t been through that much, compared to others.

It is a growing longing, to carry our own baby- a mixture of my hubby’s and my DNA.

Day 14- recommended test day by my doctor

I pee on the stick and flip it over until my hubby wakes up so we can see it together. At this point, I’m pretty confident that we are pregnant, especially since the line 2 days ago was stronger in color.

We count….. 1

…. 2

…. 3

No line.

My heart drops

and I feel duped.

I really thought we were pregnant and I am sad.

I don’t really know what to do with my emotions and am frustrated that we have to wait and go through this for another cycle.

I’m angry that my doctor didn’t increase the dose of Clomid to elevate our chances (as it that would have really helped).

Frustrated that we are going through this.

I hope no one takes this personally, but I am a tad peeved when I hear others who weren’t even trying to get pregnant and one day the girl thinks, “hum, that’s strange I am usually regular with my period and I haven’t had it for a few days” then goes and takes a pregnancy test and guess what…. Pregnant.

Grr.

I know my friends who have had this wonderful surprise happen to them know that I’m not upset with them, I just wish I didn’t have this struggle.

The anticipation, the counting of days, the build-up.

Yet, maybe this is exactly what I need to allow my longing to grow more intense and for me to be able to feel the disappointment so that when are pregnant I will feel overjoyed because of the struggle.

I am going to choose to believe that this painful longing and disappointment is here for me to only experience a heightened proclamation of God’s amazing work.

So now we must wait to see if I get my period, naturally.

If I don’t either:

A) we are pregnant or B) we have to force it with Provera.

I will admit, there is still a twinge of hope that we are pregnant and it’s just not showing up on the pregnancy tests. If I don’t bleed, we will test my blood next week to see if it detects something these sticks don’t. If I do, we will begin Provera to start the next round.

It is possible we are still pregnant but I’m not going to get my hopes up. I can’t afford to invest my emotions in something that seems too volatile at this point. I just wish I wouldn’t have put so much hope in the 6-day early Pregnancy tests.

Although 2 weeks seems like a long time to wait, it’s worth it to not get a false positive, twice.

Infertility is my fault

October 22, 2017August 25, 2017 / Hilary / 1 Comment

The calendar becomes my obsession. It’s not the date on the calendar that has my attention, it is the number I’ve put into my Google Calendar to count the days since my period began, that’s my day 1.

I’ve checked each day in some strange way of preparing myself for days 12-17, they haven’t changed, they won’t change. They are still there at the same dates I originally computed, taunting me.

The hours, let alone days can’t go by fast enough and I spend my time praying for my body to create the necessary elements that will enhance our chances of becoming pregnant. More than anything, I am praying that God’s miracle working hands will bestow us with the charge of parenting.

The prayers help, yet my thoughts can turn the corner pretty quickly into negativity and sorrow.

I can’t help but question why my body is this way? What’s wrong with me that my body doesn’t know how to function on its own and what could I have done in my past to make my body this way?

Is it possible that my body is this way because of something I did in my past, as though I did something to deserve this?

There isn’t much I can think of that would support this other than a few decisions I don’t think too favorably upon. I also know that my insane behaviors around eating and exercising were major issues in my teen and early twenties. I liked to eat and found it very difficult to stop eating. So instead of stopping (or limiting my food intake), I exercised to stay thin, scared of what other people thought of me and fearful of letting myself become too overweight. Exercising is not bad for anyone, as long as it’s in the appropriate amounts, but I was working out up to 3 hours every day. My life revolved around how to stay thin after eating what I wanted.

I liked to eat and found it very difficult to stop eating. So instead of stopping (or limiting my food intake), I exercised to stay thin, scared of what other people thought of me and fearful of letting myself become too overweight. Exercising is not bad for anyone, as long as it’s in the appropriate amounts, but I was working out up to 3 hours every day. My life revolved around how to stay thin after eating what I wanted.

The doctors attributed my lack of a period to my athletic activities and yet never challenged me or questioned why I was working out so much. Nor did they share any side effects this may cause as I grew older. I don’t blame them; I just wish I would have treated my body better.

The good thing is that for the past 11 years; I have been making an amends to my body for all the years of torture I put it through. Allowing my body to heal from the ridiculous behaviors and calming down to be more neutral and balanced.

So, am I the reason we can’t get pregnant? Is it my fault from my decisions of the past?

Possibly.

I won’t ever really know. Plus, it’s not helpful for me to sit in the space of pity or despair.

What I do know to be true is that I have a chance, today, to be made new. For my body and mind to be clean of my past and I can take the necessary actions to help my body grow healthier.

Today, I will place my hands on my belly and pray for God to do His thing. For my body to be creating these wonderful little follicles that house strong, viable eggs and for my uterine lining to be receiving the Estrogen patch’s medication well for a nice cushy lining. I’m also practicing visualization of what this might look like and pray for God’s will to be done.

My situation is not my fault, even if it is, I am choosing to believe that God is bigger than anything I may have done and can repair and bring to life anything if it’s in His plan.

Today, I believe God is powerful.