God

Pajama Day!

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

41866_CM3When I was growing up, I loved the different dress up days at school. It was an opportunity to have a break from the routine and do something that I wouldn’t typically choose to do for myself.

My favorite was Pajama Day. Although I rarely wore the PJ’s that I really slept in, I remember thinking how fun it would be just to roll out of bed and walk out the door! In reality, I undressed from my sleep shirt and put on my strategically planned PJ outfit that would make others think these were my real PJ’s. They usually had a color-coordinated and matching print top and bottoms with cute slippers to match. I would tease my hair and put it in a ratty pony-tail just to make the outfit complete.

In high school, we would have Pajama Day as one of the dress-up days during Homecoming Week. I spent more time getting ready to put my PJ’s on for the school day than I did my regular outfits, simply because I wanted to look ‘cute’ in my PJ’s. I was extremely concerned about what my peers would think of me.

Today, my Pajama Days look drastically different. I enjoyed one yesterday in fact and am kind-of enjoying it again today. It is 2pm and I have altered my PJ’s only slightly, but for the most part, I have let myself simply be in a relaxed state of decompression.

Yesterday, I rolled out of bed, enjoyed a nice slow morning of reading the Bible while enjoying the smell of my husband’s coffee (I’m not a big coffee drinker, but LOVE the smell wafting through the family room as we snuggle under the blanket). After lunch, we took a nap and it was at 4:30pm that I showered and headed to the grocery store, just to return to put my PJ’s back on for a night of movie watching.

I began asking myself what it is about a day of complete relaxation (in my PJs) that rejuvenates me. Am I so busy during my week that I do not allow for this uninterrupted down-time, to fill my cup and simply be lazy. I have always liked the idea of a sabbath, but never feel like I have the time to create one in my week. As I write that, I have to laugh… I don’t have enough time to slow down and give my time, space and energy to God. From the very first sentences in the Bible it talks about rest (Genesis 2: 2-3)… and I don’t have enough time to have a sabbath? Eek, I think I need to dig a little deeper here.

How is it that I don’t have enough time? When I really get down to it, I see the root of fear of not having enough time… or not trusting that what will get done will get done each week. Wasn’t the sabbath given from God as a gift for us to rest- “so then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God” (Hebrews 4:9).

Here I am trying to build a business (that I feel God has equipped me to create with his help) and I feel like I have so many things to get checked off my list and the very thing that I feel is the most  important in my life (God) is being pushed to the side because I don’t have enough time? I’m off.

So I started today, in my PJ’s.

I had a slow morning with God, and have been pulling scriptures for my coaching packages while listening to my worship music. It’s a start.

I am scared to commit to having a full day of sabbath each week, but I am curious to try it. What would my life look like if I truly disconnected for a day to press into God? I wonder what may change with my approach to coaching, my perspective on my life and how I can help others? May be worth a shot, to let go of my fear of not getting things done and starting to flex that muscle of faith; that when I put God first, he is the one who guides my steps.

Sabbath doesn’t mean that I will sit at home and do absolutely nothing (although that may be nice for a few hours)… but it can mean for me to unplug from my work and enjoy the sunshine, go for a walk, read a leisure book, take a nap, have unscheduled time… let go and let God.

Just One More Thing…

/ Hilary / 3 Comments

Famous last phrase.

I get so wrapped up into my days and wanting to accomplish my to-do list that I find myself saying, “Just one more thing”. Trying to squeeze another thing into my day which only makes my life and me more crazy more unmanageable.

I want to feel accomplished each day and I want to get as much done in order for me to then relax. I laugh as I write that, because how many times have I approached my to-do list with this mindset and then I don’t really get to relax because I don’t have enough time to once my list is completed… Or I don’t get the chance to relax because my list continues to grow as I go throughout my day.

The red flag for me is when I am running errands or working on tasks and it’s time for me to change my focus and I say, “Just one more thing”. Or when I’m driving home and I need to be home to do something and I think I can squeeze in one more stop… “Just one more place”.

Typically, I then feel rushed and my focus turns to completing the task as quickly as possible and this inevitably causes me to feel anxious and impatient with the people I’m around. Either people aren’t working fast enough to check me out in a store, people aren’t driving fast enough, there’s too much traffic and I am irritable at others and then I beat myself up for choosing to do that ‘one more thing’ when I know I fall into this situation each time I give into that darn phrase.

“Just one more thing” equates to “I don’t trust I’ll have time at another time to complete this so I must do it now’… NOT TRUSTING the time God has given me for the tasks I was to complete.

What if I looked at it as though the work and errands I didn’t complete weren’t supposed to get done that day and to ask for another time in the near future to complete them.

Why do I feel as though the plans I make for my day are the best plans and that I need to accomplish them in order to be accomplished? Is it that I find value and worth in what I accomplish?

My prayer is to use the phrase “just one more thing” to be reminded to go to God in faith that what I have done is enough and that I can let go of my to-do list and instead of be in the hubbub of busyness but to rest in the margin of life.

 

A Little Something

/ Hilary / 2 Comments

one in a millionMy journey continues as I experienced my first ‘period’ in over a year and a half. Yippee! Granted it was on a tiny scale compared to what I’ve remembered in the past, and some may call it spotting… But it was something. So what does this mean?

Well, that the build up of estrogen over the past 2 months created enough lining to shed for a day. It means the mixture of the estrogen patch and the progesterone pill created a reaction in my body. It also means that the body experiment continues.

I will stay on the estrogen patch for the next month to see if my body will kick into gear and produce this little something that I am calling a ‘period’ on my own. Once this occurs, I’ll be able to address the Poly Cystic ovaries.

I’m hopeful. The summer break I have needed is right around the corner and this means I’ll be able to focus on relaxing throughout my days in the sunshine. Slowing down from the faster-pace life and responsibilities of a full-time job.

God can create a baby at any time, and I am certain that I can become pregnant with, or without a period. I simply want to remain obedient to what is being asked. At this point, I am learning more about my body and the incredible, intricate creation it is. How in the world can I fathom the miracle of life.

I held my second nephew for the first time last week. He was less than 12 hours old and he is simply perfect. His little fingers, tiny nose and that little tongue that sticks out every once in a while. How are these little babies formed inside us women?

Moments like these provide pause to become overwhelmed with awe and wonder of our All Mighty God who created this world, and every thing and living, breathing specie. I am humbled. I do not know anything. My thoughts and abilities are minuscule compared to our Father.

Why do I doubt him? He knows what he’s doing and he knows why he created me and what he desires for me in my life. I do trust that and I do trust Him with my life.

Seeking medical advice and direction is a balance. I don’t want to look to my doctors to have all the answers. I want to keep that authority reserved to God. But I also recognize God trains people to do his work here, to be his hands and his feet. I will continue to pray for my doctors to be in touch with God in their practice and their professional growth.

Mother’s Day on Progesterone: Round 2

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

Today is a beautiful day to celebrate the incredible woman who brought me into this world. I For Print-6213 cherish her and value all that she has given to raise me into the woman I am today. My mom is a strong, gentle woman who continues to be a picture of humility and poise.

Today is also a difficult day for me as I yearn to become a mother myself. Maybe it’s the progesterone talking, but I feel left out of today as Facebook and other social means are exploding with babies and their momma’s. Why can’t I be one of those? What’s wrong with me that I can’t receive the same gift of being a mom?

I feel selfish even thinking these things. I know I should be grateful for the things I do have and for all the rest and ‘me’ time I get to have with my husband. Not to mention grateful I have a husband, I get that… and yet, I feel as though people are passing me by on this journey. They are all progressing forward with life experiences, and I’m still back here. Not because I don’t want to move forward… but it’s because I can’t. For some reason only known by God.

It is one thing to not have a baby and be ok, it’s another to want to have one and not be able to.

With spring babies are arriving, it seems like every day I see another post of a newborn laying in his/her momma’s arms in the hospital. The joyful yet exhausted look of the mother and the peaceful innocence of new baby wrapped up in warmth.

In less than a week, I will become an aunt for the second time. I am over the moon to meet this new little one! To hold him, to cuddle him, to look at all the amazement a precious new life is with all the miracles it takes to make a baby. My brother and my sister-in-law have been wanting a second child for a few years and I am beyond thrilled for their family and for my nephew to have a play-mate.

As for our journey, two months have passed since I began sticking these hormone patches on my lower abdomen. Every 3-4 days, I rip off one and stick on another on another part of my skin in hopes of it working… Something changing.

Last week, I emailed my doctor to find out what my next steps are now that I’ve completed the 2 months of estrogen. I have continued to work through the struggles of water-weight and too-tight clothing with my countdown leading up to this week when I would hopefully go off the patch and I would feel my ‘normal’ body again.

Instead, I was prescribed another month of the patch and the 2nd round of progesterone which I will take orally for the next 10 days. (Thankfully, it’s not the other way I know it’s prescribed).

Am I ready for the crazies? For the mood swings and the acne break-outs? Not really. Especially since we are celebrating my husband’s graduation from Seminary. We have 2 weeks of company, social events and opportunities for me to show up for others in spite of what’s going on inside of me. (If there is ever a time to pump my body full of hormones, maybe it’s best to do when I am distracted with friends and family in celebration).

Seeing the announcement of the new babies and the happy parents stirs up longing as I desire for my own. Will we have children, we hope so. Will I have one of those pictures on Facebook of laying in the hospital? Maybe. I am choosing to be hopeful of what our future holds, what these next 10 days to 5 weeks hold. Will I get a period? Maybe. Does this mean I’ll be able to get pregnant? It’s not a guarantee.

All the technology and medical advancements of today do not guarantee the outcomes we want or hope for.  The only guarantee that I continue to focus on is that God is in control and will make all things work together for his good. If it’s his will that we have a family, it will happen regardless of if I get a period. Grateful to have the opportunity to trust in his goodness and plans for my life and the future of our family.

Grateful to know that God hears my cries and feels my longing.

 

Open Hands

/ Hilary / 6 Comments

After 10 days of Progesterone and all the lovely side effects of consuming additional hormones (sleepy, moody, acne…), I am left with extra bacteria that I’m now on medication for and no withdraw bleed. I don’t think the bacteria has anything to do with the Progesterone, I just find it interesting to be experiencing so many “female problems” throughout this process. So, I will roll along through the next 3 weeks and try another round of Progesterone in March. How am I feeling? Well, surprisingly peace-filled.  I trust the expertise of my endocrinologist and know we have many options out there to try before I can rule anything out. Not to mention our faith is carrying us.

I went in for my scheduled Ultra-Sound and prayed before I entered the hospital. I don’t want to be negative or a ‘Debby-downer’ but it is difficult for m5876981450_bde15b9aaa_be to think they will find anything of substance. Last time I was in, they saw cysts in my ovaries and then after a string of medication ruled PCOS out… but I’ll remain with my hands open to receive whatever it is I am to see and know…

My Ultra-Sound tech was great, very supportive, and before I knew it, I could see a bit more of what is going on inside. She did confirm my uterus lining is ultra-thin which typically happens after a period, so with me without a recent period, is taking note. She also was surprised to see a difference in my uterus shape. It’s supposed to look like a triangle with a little hump, mine looks like a partial heart. She called it uterus septum. She’s not too worried since it didn’t look severe, but is checking with my doctor in the office. The kicker is… we counted 14 cysts in one ovary and 15 in the other! Maybe this time around the PCOS diagnosis will be confirmed.

The technician wanted to talk with my  doctor before any feedback was provided… but maybe we are getting closer to an actual… why?

I am waiting the call of explanation and next steps. Thankfully my OB-GYN and Endocrinologist know each other and will be talking (fingers-crossed). So in the meantime… I’ll keep praying.
God is good, all the time. I know we are growing in our relationship with the Lord. We pray to him for guidance and feel peace and calm thoughts about what our future holds. I know we will be parents. It may be through adoption, but I know my husband will be an incredible father and I pray I’ll be a loving mom. We desire to have a baby made with our own genes and I feel it’s incredibly possible. So I will continue to sit in this posture of faith and trust, knowing God is with me. He knows the bigger picture and as much as I desire a little one that is the mixture of us, I want to live in Gods will- progressing his kingdom.