Onto the Next Chapter…

October 24, 2018September 26, 2018 / Hilary / 1 Comment

We have found ourselves to be on the same page.

Thank you, God, we are able to discuss our options and see that we have landed feet-first on the answer.

I would have liked to have come to this decision many months ago, but I now see we needed to gather as much information as possible and let ourselves truly sit in prayer and quiet with this decision.

We will move forward with Dr. O’Brien at Shady Grove Fertility in Maryland.

My heart is calm and there is a smile on my face.

I feel a sense of relief and excitement as I know we are making the best decision at this moment with the information that is being presented.

With Hubby experiencing the same calming feeling, we began looking at the calendar to see when it makes sense to start this next step.

I’ll be honest, I want to get this thing going right now.

…No time to waste.

The issue is that I’m needing to focus on what in on my plate right now and when I get quiet with myself I know that starting the protocol right now would be too much.

I want my body to be in the best condition to truly relax and provide the best quality of eggs. Not to mention to prepare me with the overabundance of medications that are about to be pumped into my body.

This isn’t something that can be ‘fit in’ to the rest of an already busy schedule.

We both decide it’s best to wait the 2 months necessary to when our work and social schedules are calmer and we are able to give this first step our best shot.

Painful as it is to hurry up and wait, I trust that we are being wise with the decision we have made.

I am giddy.

We begin to look at flights… Just looking.

Ok not just looking.

We end up booking what we think will be our target dates.

(Thank you Southwest miles for your no-penalty refund policy).

Eek, we are really doing this.

I can’t get too excited though, there is still a lot of time between now and then and a lot that needs to happen.

To do list:

Blood work for infectious/communicable diseases (check and safe!)
Mandatory consult with PGS Genetic testing lab (scheduled)
Watch an hour of short videos with questions in order to sign consent forms (great Friday night date, check)
Outline additional expenses to have a detailed idea of what to expect (check)
Check in with our nurse regarding all the random questions (see below)
Continue a healthy workout and eating routine (check)
Show up to my life as it is and wait (uh…working on it)

As someone who is prone to ‘do’ all the time, I can handle the action items well.

I light up with things to physically do as it makes me feel like I have control over if this will work and it makes me feel like I am contributing, which I am. What I need to recognize though is that my doing is not going to better my chances of having a good retrieval (full of great eggs) or that I will be able to control the outcome.

All I can do is what is in front of me (which is only about 1%) and let God do the rest (the other 99%).

Random questions we asked our nurse:

Q: What medications are needed for the FET?
A: Estrace (pill, 3x/day), Progesterone oil (shots)
Q: Do we need to come in for a mock embryo transfer?
A: Nope, they can pass the catheter at the time of the retrieval to make sure everything is open and ready for FET.
Q: What types of office visits will we need to do prior to the IVF egg retrieval?
A: One baseline appointment (ultrasound, estrogen, HCG, progesterone), a couple check in appointments (ultrasound, estrogen).
Q: What are your thoughts/recommendations for acupuncture?
A: It seems to help calm anxiety and there is a possibility of doing it at the clinic wellness center.
Q: What foods and supplements should I be taking?
A: Pre-Natal (400mg folic acid), Myo-Inositol (2000mg)
Q: What outdoor activities can I do (i.e. skiing, working out)?
A: Stay away from any high-impact workouts
(so if I go slow, can I still ski?)
Q: If we get a positive pregnancy test, what do we next?
A: Pregnancy test through blood work, day 13 after FET, day 15 after FET and day 17 after FET to make sure hormone levels are going up.
Q: How long after a live birth does SG recommend waiting to do a 2^nd round for baby #2 (yes, I’m totally hopeful and future-tripping)?
A: I would have to be done with breastfeeding prior to starting the next cycle.
Q: How consistent do I need to be with the timing each day with the injections and do I need to consider the time change for when we travel to Maryland for the days prior to the retrieval?
A: It would be good to be consistent with the time of injections and consider the time change, although doing the injections an hour or two off isn’t the worst.

God Answered

June 21, 2018June 12, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

There have been a few mornings when I have felt nauseous. Little subtle ongoing cramping over the past few days. Maybe I’m pregnant?

Every time I have a little twinge of “am I pregnant”, I immediately begin praying with a simple, “God, if it’s your will” and go on with my day.

I feel I have been getting really close to God this past week as it seems to be every hour or two I am saying this prayer.

In the past few days though, my sense has changed. Maybe it is me protecting myself from a potential let-down. I don’t know if I am pregnant. And I have to wait.

I have a few friends texting, wondering how I’m doing and praying for me. I appreciate it. Knowing I’m not alone.

We need cheerleaders in our lives, when I can’t allow myself to be hopeful, they are.

I am willing to wait until day 14 after the trigger shot and continue to trust God knows what He’s doing.

Here we sit, day 12 after the trigger shot, how quickly thoughts change. I know I’m supposed to wait a few more days, but I figured I could go to the Dollar Store and get a pregnancy test just to see if any of the remanences of the HCG shot was still present. If it was a positive test, I would chalk it up to being leftovers and test in a few days. If it was negative, at least I would know the HCG from the trigger shot is out of my system.

I test and there is only one line, not pregnant.

“Good to know the HCG is out of my system. Maybe it’s too early,” I thought. “I’ll test again in 2 days.”

My back has been hurting this afternoon and sure enough, I now know why.

I don’t have to test. I began spotting. I knew it in my heart that I wasn’t pregnant and this was just a confirmation.

I plopped down by Hubby and snuggled up next to him and I told him. He wasn’t surprised either.

Gosh, darn it!

I really was hoping this was going to be the month. I even was praying for twins and thought I was going everything right. I was even following the suggested food intake throughout the course of my cycle.

What more am I supposed to be doing?

I am bummed. God, what are you doing in this?

I email CCRM and let them know so they can get me a request for a blood draw to confirm I’m not pregnant so we can start a new medicated cycle.

That is what we are going to do, right?

Hubby and I talk. We don’t know how many more medicated cycles we are going to do.

At what point, do we have to surrender and say that we tried everything we could and it’s just not going to work?

1 year? 2 years? 3 years? How long God? Image result for footprints in the sand

This cycle completed 8 medicated cycles in just about a year.

Might not be very long for some people, or maybe it is for others. I’m sure it’s a personal choice.

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this one.

This is what I don’t understand:

If we are created to procreate than why can’t God heal my body so that I can do just that?

What are we missing in this whole process?

I am given medication to stimulate follicle growth- check
I am monitored days 12-? To see the follicle growth and thickening of the lining- check
Hubby has strong swimmers- check
I get the HCG trigger shot to force an ovulation- check
Hubby gives his swimmers over to the nurses for a cleaning- check
Nurses take the best swimmers and inject them right up to where my egg(s) is/are- check
I rest and relax, pray and trust that they get together and implant…
Not sure if that is a check or not.

Dr. G. Says the only way to guarantee they get together is by doing IVF (in vitro) which is not an option for us at this point.

At some point, I have to trust that God is truly the miracle worker and creates life.

Why isn’t he creating life in me?

Is it something I have done? Am I not supposed to have my biological children? Why not?

Questions I won’t ever have answers to.

So God, what do you want from us? Do you want us to do another medicated cycle?

I fall asleep praying.

Day 1– I go in for the blood work and ultrasound just in case we decide to move forward with the medication.

In my quiet time this morning, as I was talking with God about this, I felt peace about letting go of a medicated cycle. This peace comes more from the hope that I will be one of ‘those’ stories where we try the fertility route and when it doesn’t work, we begin thinking about adoption and we miraculously get pregnant.

Is that my story? That after all this human intervention with medication, God is using this experience to show me that He truly is all powerful and that no medication or doctor can do what only he can do?

That would be cool!

So, I’m at peace with whatever we need to do, or not do.

While in the ultrasound with my new-found friend, Erika, the stenographer, she finds a large black circle in my left ovary.

“What is that?” I ask.

“It’s a cyst,” she replies. “Double the size than what I usually see.”

Unfortunately, it wasn’t there before ovulation.

From what I learned today: It’s common for this to happen where the follicle releases the egg during ovulation and remains empty in the ovary and over the 2 weeks can fill with fluid- causing this cyst. If I were to go on medication while I have it- most likely the cyst will absorb the meds instead. I have to wait until it’s gone before we can do anything more.

She doesn’t know what the doctor will say so at this point I leave the office without knowing if we will be able to do medication this cycle.

I call my nurse at CCRM and she confirms. No medication this cycle and possibly not the next cycle (if I get one) as it is double the size. It will need time to dissolve before they will prescribe anything.

My heart was prepared and I praise God for making it abundantly clear that the answer is no for this cycle.

We can still ‘try’ without medication and all the gizmos and gadgets… the good ol’ fashion way.

We plan to regroup with Dr. G this month to talk through options based on his observations and expertise. Maybe this is the conversation we need to know it’s time to move on.

I feel carried. The tears still come.

I am sad at the thought that there may not be a little Hubby and little me to watch grow up.

I have had these same visions before. As though I am watching a 1980’s home video, I can see a little version of us, looking up and smiling at us. This little human we have created.

These thoughts and the sadness I feel are not new. I have felt this longing for our own biological children for a few years and the potential reality that this is a dream I need to let go of is still too hard for me to bare.

Image result for alone What’s so terribly difficult is that there is a world around me that has no idea the pain I am in. I tend to be a silver lining type person, looking for the good and what God is doing in and through each situation. But there are still moments when I am feeling life is not fair. I am happy for all my friends who get to experience this blessing, but when I am on Facebook, I often feel as though people don’t realize the pain others experience. Maybe this is just my issue and I need to grow a thicker skin so that others can post their joys and not rain on their parade.

Just like my friends who are single, longing for a partner- seeing engagement pictures and wedding photos can be difficult.

Does it mean that we should stop posting the joy-filled moments that are in our life- absolutely not? Maybe being aware of the world around us though.

Or maybe I just need to go off Facebook.

Reaching a New Level

May 31, 2018May 20, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

We aren’t messing around anymore.

These past two rounds have been insightful for Dr. G. and he is ready to pull out the big guns.

We begin 10 days of Letrozole, at 10mg/day, the highest dose he will prescribe.

I am actually a little excited at the possibility of what this will produce.

Let’s get these follicles growing!

Each cycle has become such a routine that I have grown accustomed to.

Day one, make an appointment with my OBGYN for an ultrasound.

Head to the local LabCorp and get a blood test to confirm I am not pregnant.

Pop into my OBGYN for the ultrasound, ensuring there is nothing funky growing inside of me from all the hormones and measure the uterine lining.

Check, check.

Day three, begin Letrozol.

Days three through twelve, endure breaking out, early bedtimes, afternoon naps.

Day twelve, follicle check and see what next steps are to be.

Learning how to take care of myself on a new level.

I am going to the gym this time around. I need to. My mind needs the oxygen and release of tension. My muscles need the weight and attention.

At the start of this cycle, I receive news that one of my closest, dearest friends is pregnant. I am overjoyed. My body exudes love and excitement for her.

I have no sorrow. Only joy and praise for the opportunity they have received to raise a little one.

My heart is shifting. I am not looking at myself. I do not have the heavy heart as I have experienced in the past. My excitement and praise for God’s miracle growing inside of her are overflowing.

What is going on? I love that this is how I feel.

I meet the new little baby girl of another friend. I get to hold her and express my excitement and joy for her to my friend.

Am I changing? What is shifting inside of me? Whatever it is, I really like it.

God, thank you for giving me this part of the journey to refine and grow me.

My rough edges are being smoothed and I trust how you are reshaping my heart and mind.

Continue to use this to make me a better person, a more loving friend, and a more faithful, trusting person is who you are and what you’re capable of, God.

I thank you for this heartache and let down as it’s shaping my journey so far.

So excited to see what you’re going to do in and through this!

May I be a vessel or light to reach others. God, use me and my story to help others.

Act of Surrender

May 20, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

The emotions from 2 weeks ago have subsided and I am into the routine of the new cycle. Dr. G did put me on Letrozole and I experience the same side effects.

Painful acne on my face and neck with my sleepy eyes starting around 8pm each night.

I elected not to work out too much these past two weeks, hoping my body would focus fully on growing follicles.

This isn’t a medical approach, more just how I was feeling I could take care of myself.

Calm walks in the sunshine have been a delight.

The nurse did say to cut down on the crunching and twisting of my waist to allow for the follicles to have a calm, unagitated place for growth.

After 7 days of medication, I went in for a follicle check.

It’s working!

Three follicles in my left ovary, yippee!!

Measuring 13, 14, 15mm. That’s great for day 11 of my cycle.

My lining is the normal thickness too, praise God!

Dr. G is happy with the numbers and wants me to go in for another ultrasound in 2 days.

Skeptical of his approach, I obey. He is the doctor after all. In my mind, I would think he’d want me on the medication until those suckers are nice a large, but who am I to say this?

Day 13 Ultrasound. Let down.

Three follicles continue to exist and are slowly getting larger, but not at the rate they need to be.

Measuring 14, 16, 16mm. Not as great of news as I wanted to receive.

“I told you so” rolls around in my head as I think back to how I ‘could’ have been on medication these past 2 days to help them grow, but NO… the doctor didn’t see it that way.

That’s ok. I’m ok. I trust Dr. G and his expertise in this area.

Sometimes I wonder though…

Am I just another number to him?
Does he not care that we are paying out of pocket for all these tests and medications?
Does he not care that we are creeping towards 40 and would love to have a family in the near future?

I know he does care, otherwise, he wouldn’t be doing what he’s doing.

Sometimes I just wonder if my needs and wants aren’t as important to him and how he approaches the medicated cycles.

Who am I to say though?

He works with hundreds of patients and has for years.

I can trust that he knows what he’s doing. Bigger than that. I trust in an All-Mighty God who is powerful and righteous. I know God is using Dr. G to help me.

He puts me on 2 more days of Letrozole and wants us to come in for a 3^rd ultrasound in 3 days.

I go skipping to the pharmacy, hoping this will be the medication needed to help these little ones grow and ‘ripen’.

I can’t help but be hopeful for this cycle and what’s going on inside my body.

I place my hands on my stomach and begin to pray.

With all this medicine, I still am reminded that it’s by God’s miracle that we will become pregnant. I truly believe God is using Dr. G and this medication to work in my body and pray that his healing hand will be in me as we go into this weekend and to the next visit.

I pray that my womb may become open and able and ready to receive a baby.

One that will grow healthy and strong.

I pray for the peace of mind and a relaxed spirit as I lean into God and trust that He is all powerful and all knowing.

God, in your perfect timing and by your perfect creation.

I surrender to you God.

Your will be done.

Showing up is all we can do.

April 26, 2018March 2, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

One remains…

I thought this cycle was a bust a few days ago and I felt it in my heart. Disappointment.

Here I sit with one wonderful, large follicle and Dr. G is happy.

He sends me home with an HCG trigger shot to give myself in 2 days.

This time it’s a shot in my stomach and I can give it to myself– Hubby is off the hook.

We also get clear instructions on when we are to be together.

These instructions are different than what our OBGYN said so I’m a bit confused and my brain gets activated.

Wait a second?

My OBGYN said to be together every other day leading up to the day of Ovulation and then once the smiley is solid then be together that day and one more day following…

This time I’m hearing NOT to be together until 2 days after the shot and then again the following.

Which one is right?

I don’t know. As much as I want to Google search all the different ways that are recommended.

I surrender.

I don’t know what’s best and we are paying the CCRM clinic a lot of money for their expertise on this so I decided to let go of all the ‘figuring it out’ and just follow along with what they said.

I’m a bit scared. I am grateful for the opportunity to have another chance at having our own biological child and am praying I can relax into these next few days.

Two days ago, I gave myself the trigger shot. It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought. Just grabbed a bit of skin and stuck it in there.

Here we are- the two days Dr. G said to enjoy and I’m scared.

What if this doesn’t work?

What if we have to go through another round of all these tests and medications?

My face hurt with acne from the large dose this time around and I don’t want to go through it again… God, please work in us in these next 2 days. I am praying for a miracle and for the opportunity to be pregnant and give birth and have stretch marks

(Do I even know what I’m asking for right now?)

I know I will be ok if this is not Gods will and not the right timing for us to become parents, but at the same time, I do pray that we are able to and that my body responds and Hubby’s swimmers are strong and ready and that it all comes together.

I have a painful/weird feeling in my right ovary area this morning along with a weird sensation and my body feels ‘off’.

I take it as a sign that I’m ovulating.

Our time together hurts a bit but I keep focusing on what this could mean for us and pray that this is the beginning of our growing family.

God, your will be done. May we receive whatever it is you have for us knowing your desires are good.

We’ve shown up and done what we can and again we wait. We’ve been here before.

What’s new is this time we will go in for a progesterone level test in a week to make sure my levels are where they are supposed to be to welcome the beginning stages of our baby.

God, we surrender.

Hilary Maxwell

Trusting God in the Journey

Faith