Author: Hilary

More Gadgets to Try

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IMG_0528Six weeks, that’s what the doctor told me. I was to wait 4-6 weeks to see if my body would kick in on its own to produce a period. I was skeptical since I didn’t really get a period, but I continued to pray, trust and rotate the little sticky patches of estrogen from my lower abdomen every 3-4 days.

I was introduced to an app called Kindara, and although it does track a woman’s cycle off of a period (which doesn’t help me), it also helps plot the month based off body temperature and mucus. I didn’t think I’d be one to try it, but figured ‘why not?’ and ordered my basal thermometer from Amazon. The trick with the temperature is that it’s important to take it first thing in the morning, before moving from the bed. So I began sticking it in my mouth blurry eyed and half asleep when my alarm goes off in the morning.

It’s interesting to learn more about myself as this process continues. I now know that I run a little colder than my husband, typically in the 96 degree range, where he is in the 97. May explain why I carry a jacket with me into restaurants even in the summer or like to drink hot water to warm up :-).

My body temperature has not ‘spiked’ over the past month as it is supposed to when a woman ovulates. So maybe… I don’t ovulate? At this point, I am not drawing any conclusions until I have used this app for at least 3 months.

So I add to my research, plotting and observing, gathering information and praying. The peace I continue to feel is surreal as I know God is in this, just like he is in everything. I know his timing is perfect and his plans for us is exactly what we want.

I did get to see how much stress can play a huge part in my body’s functioning. For 10 days in June, I was intensely studying for  the Certified PersonIMG_0485al Trainer certification through the National Academy for Sports Medicine (NASM). For hours each day, I was learning new concepts and memorizing various facts. Determined to pass the test before our summer trip, my body experienced stress which lead to a change in my bodies behaviors on Kindara. I saw how stress decreased my mucus production, which possibly indicates a change in my cycle. Thankfully I passed and have that behind me while also being more aware of how my body reacts to stress.

Here we sit, officially six weeks past that little blimp of spotting, and I am discouraged as I say nothing has come since. I will continue taking my body temperature at the start of each day, wearing the estrogen patch and will take one more round of progesterone to see how my body reacts.

My doctor believes the next step will be to see an infertility doctor and try Clomid. With the change in my job/insurance, we may have to wait a few months until the dust settles before we go to that next step. Either way, I know everything will happen in the way and timing it is supposed to.

So for today, I celebrate what I do have to enjoy, and embrace each moment of this life!

A Little Something

/ Hilary / 2 Comments

one in a millionMy journey continues as I experienced my first ‘period’ in over a year and a half. Yippee! Granted it was on a tiny scale compared to what I’ve remembered in the past, and some may call it spotting… But it was something. So what does this mean?

Well, that the build up of estrogen over the past 2 months created enough lining to shed for a day. It means the mixture of the estrogen patch and the progesterone pill created a reaction in my body. It also means that the body experiment continues.

I will stay on the estrogen patch for the next month to see if my body will kick into gear and produce this little something that I am calling a ‘period’ on my own. Once this occurs, I’ll be able to address the Poly Cystic ovaries.

I’m hopeful. The summer break I have needed is right around the corner and this means I’ll be able to focus on relaxing throughout my days in the sunshine. Slowing down from the faster-pace life and responsibilities of a full-time job.

God can create a baby at any time, and I am certain that I can become pregnant with, or without a period. I simply want to remain obedient to what is being asked. At this point, I am learning more about my body and the incredible, intricate creation it is. How in the world can I fathom the miracle of life.

I held my second nephew for the first time last week. He was less than 12 hours old and he is simply perfect. His little fingers, tiny nose and that little tongue that sticks out every once in a while. How are these little babies formed inside us women?

Moments like these provide pause to become overwhelmed with awe and wonder of our All Mighty God who created this world, and every thing and living, breathing specie. I am humbled. I do not know anything. My thoughts and abilities are minuscule compared to our Father.

Why do I doubt him? He knows what he’s doing and he knows why he created me and what he desires for me in my life. I do trust that and I do trust Him with my life.

Seeking medical advice and direction is a balance. I don’t want to look to my doctors to have all the answers. I want to keep that authority reserved to God. But I also recognize God trains people to do his work here, to be his hands and his feet. I will continue to pray for my doctors to be in touch with God in their practice and their professional growth.

Mother’s Day on Progesterone: Round 2

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Today is a beautiful day to celebrate the incredible woman who brought me into this world. I For Print-6213 cherish her and value all that she has given to raise me into the woman I am today. My mom is a strong, gentle woman who continues to be a picture of humility and poise.

Today is also a difficult day for me as I yearn to become a mother myself. Maybe it’s the progesterone talking, but I feel left out of today as Facebook and other social means are exploding with babies and their momma’s. Why can’t I be one of those? What’s wrong with me that I can’t receive the same gift of being a mom?

I feel selfish even thinking these things. I know I should be grateful for the things I do have and for all the rest and ‘me’ time I get to have with my husband. Not to mention grateful I have a husband, I get that… and yet, I feel as though people are passing me by on this journey. They are all progressing forward with life experiences, and I’m still back here. Not because I don’t want to move forward… but it’s because I can’t. For some reason only known by God.

It is one thing to not have a baby and be ok, it’s another to want to have one and not be able to.

With spring babies are arriving, it seems like every day I see another post of a newborn laying in his/her momma’s arms in the hospital. The joyful yet exhausted look of the mother and the peaceful innocence of new baby wrapped up in warmth.

In less than a week, I will become an aunt for the second time. I am over the moon to meet this new little one! To hold him, to cuddle him, to look at all the amazement a precious new life is with all the miracles it takes to make a baby. My brother and my sister-in-law have been wanting a second child for a few years and I am beyond thrilled for their family and for my nephew to have a play-mate.

As for our journey, two months have passed since I began sticking these hormone patches on my lower abdomen. Every 3-4 days, I rip off one and stick on another on another part of my skin in hopes of it working… Something changing.

Last week, I emailed my doctor to find out what my next steps are now that I’ve completed the 2 months of estrogen. I have continued to work through the struggles of water-weight and too-tight clothing with my countdown leading up to this week when I would hopefully go off the patch and I would feel my ‘normal’ body again.

Instead, I was prescribed another month of the patch and the 2nd round of progesterone which I will take orally for the next 10 days. (Thankfully, it’s not the other way I know it’s prescribed).

Am I ready for the crazies? For the mood swings and the acne break-outs? Not really. Especially since we are celebrating my husband’s graduation from Seminary. We have 2 weeks of company, social events and opportunities for me to show up for others in spite of what’s going on inside of me. (If there is ever a time to pump my body full of hormones, maybe it’s best to do when I am distracted with friends and family in celebration).

Seeing the announcement of the new babies and the happy parents stirs up longing as I desire for my own. Will we have children, we hope so. Will I have one of those pictures on Facebook of laying in the hospital? Maybe. I am choosing to be hopeful of what our future holds, what these next 10 days to 5 weeks hold. Will I get a period? Maybe. Does this mean I’ll be able to get pregnant? It’s not a guarantee.

All the technology and medical advancements of today do not guarantee the outcomes we want or hope for.  The only guarantee that I continue to focus on is that God is in control and will make all things work together for his good. If it’s his will that we have a family, it will happen regardless of if I get a period. Grateful to have the opportunity to trust in his goodness and plans for my life and the future of our family.

Grateful to know that God hears my cries and feels my longing.

 

Growing in Discomfort

/ Hilary / 2 Comments

For the past month, I have stuck a little plastic-like film to my lower stomach. Replacing the sticker-like patch every 3-4 days, leaving an outline from the clothes fibers that accumulate around the border. I wash my skin of the residue and do my best to scrape the fibers from my delicate skin.

It has been one month of Estrogen seeping into my body and I am not in love with the side effects. Unfortunately, they hit me where I am the weakest and most intolerable. The acne breakouts continue and my mood swings happen, but it’s the gaining of weight that is the most uncomfortable. Although most people may not be able to tell, I can feel it in my skin. It’s as though I have been injected with water solution and my skin grows tighter, resisting expansion. My legs, back-side and stomach have an extra layer that feels unshapely and bloated. The majority of my pants do not fit and the ones that do, are tight and rub up against my body, reminding me of the lack of space between skin and cloth.

I am grateful that I know this is just water weight. I know this because of how healthy I eat and how regularly I work out. I know this because of how much water I drink and how little I am going to the restroom. It feels as though the majority of liquid that I consume is filling my body like a retention pool, growing more bloated by the day.

The weakness of weight stems from my younger years and my personal journey and struggles to which emotions which seem like old acquaintances being resurrected after laying dormant for many years. It’s as if my nerves are exposed, sensitive to rubbing and irritation.

It’s not about what other people see, it’s about how I feel and what I think. Feelings are not facts. So although I feel fat or feel gross, the fact is my body is receiving extra hormones to help me become more healthy. This is a good thing. My temporary discomfort can lead to a lifetime of health and may even lead to a life changing opportunity to bare a child. It’s this temporary discomfort worth the long-term possibility? I would say so. Now, I must practice getting comfortable, being uncomfortable.

Key word for me to remember is temporary. I will not be on these patches forever and I can go off them anytime, this is a choice I am making. What’s hard for me though, is I wish I didn’t have to make this choice in the first place. I wish I could just be normal, like other women who just get pregnant and have regular monthly cycles. Why do I have to go through this? It doesn’t seem fair and I am pouting. Not only am I not ‘normal’ with my female ‘stuff’, but I have to take extra medication that causes side-effects that make me uncomfortable which stirs up emotions and negative thoughts…

Where does this leave me? I didn’t have the option to choose how my body is formed or how it works. I don’t have control over that. What can I control? I can choose the mindset I want to have around this situation.

A) I can stay in the yuck and blame and frustration, continuing to throw myself a pity-party, which essentially leads to fear of me not getting what I want, how I want it or when I want it.

B) I can be grateful, faithful and trusting in God and the path that I am walking down.

When I choose the former, I stay stuck and bitterness and resentment forms. When I choose the latter, I am able to list a whole gamete of things I am grateful for which slowly changes my perspective and softens my irritation for my weight and discomfort. As I list the things I am grateful for, I can use these truths to combat my negative thoughts. When a statement disrupts my thoughts, tempting me to go down the rabbit-trail of sorrow and dissatisfaction, I insert a gratitude nugget and my shoulders relax and I’m able to take a deep breath (breath in faith, breath out fear).

I recently watched the video below on the topic of fear and faith and wrote about it in my other blog. You can read more about it here.

These feelings I’m experiencing are not going to hurt me and I can see this as an opportunity to learn and grow within myself and my faith. Choosing to be on the patch to see what happens in the near future is worth the temporary ‘yuckiness’ as I feel I am walking in step with my next action. God is good, he is guiding us and he is here with me, next to me, as I sit in this season of discomfort. He is always with me and it is in my weakness that he is strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-11). I get to be with him to sit and watch how this story plays out. I just get to show up each day and do my best with what I have in front of me to do. Today, it’s about turning to gratitude.

 

Patches

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“Yes, you have multiple follicles within each ovary which is indicative of PCOS. Interesting given your normal androgens.” The opening line to my most recent email from my Endocrinologist. Back to PCOS. Going to doctors to look for answers is so much larger for me than wanting to become pregnant. I desire a healthy body that functions as it is supposed to. The chronic fatigue, acne, facial hair, low hormone levels (sex drive). Are they all linked? All the research points to it, yes. Does this give me hope that I can actually be ‘normal’? What does that even mean? Could I actually make it through a day without taking a nap? (Although I really do love my naps :-).)

To what lengths am I being asked to go on this journey for a healthy, working body? Maybe I am as healthy as my body can be; maybe it just looks different on me than it does other women? I can’t help but think these symptoms I spoke of, could possible go away with the right mix of treatment.

Her first option was for me to decide between another round of progesterone or to try either Metformin or Clomid. Both which I have tried, but again, I stay open to all ideas as I know our bodies change and mine certainly has since getting married. I find it fascinating. She also noted my endometrial layer lining being very thin. With this information she wants to put me on the Estrogen patch for the next 2 months and then progesterone for 10 days to see if I get a period. My first thought was, ‘great! Let’s do it!’ And then I began quoting Troop Beverly Hills “Patches, we don’t need no stinking patches!” (I digress). And then the flashbacks began accompanied by nervous thoughts.

My fears crept up from my stomach and overtook my heart as it began pounding more rapidly and I had a momentary shortness of breath.

Estrogen patches.

The last time I saw these was on my mother. The relationship I had growing up with my mom was pretty typical as she taught me how to grow into womanhood and run a household. There were times when we butt heads as she ran the coop and I wanted to, overall I respected her and desired a closer ‘adult’ relationship. She had a hysterectomy in 2006 and began her hormone supplement treatments. All was fine and well until doctors diagnosed her with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) in 2008 and added the necessary medication to her daily routine.  The side effects were less than desirable and doctors changed the type of estrogen patch. One year later, when I was living back at home (age 26), she found a lump and was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

Our eyes flowed with tears as she met with doctors and surgeons, getting options and hearing options. My dad was the rock we needed as we prepared for her double-mastectomy. My relationship with my mother changed.nurse holding tray with medicine She needed me the way I had known to need her. She taught me how to love her well as I took care of her and nursed her back to health.

Some of the sweetest moments with her came out of those months of recovery. She allowed herself to be vulnerable with me and I learned how to be next to her through the discomfort and pain. I made meals, drove her to appointments, helped her bath and dressed her. Our relationship shifted and I began to love her in a new way, as a friend. Those patches created an opportunity for our relationship to be ‘patched’.

As she healed from the wounds and her strength increased, I was confident in her recovery. She began taking the prescribed Tamoxifen to be taken for the following five years. I’m happy to say, today she is cancer free, but the link between the estrogen medication change and her breast cancer is hard for me to overlook.

The questions rattle around in my head. Am I susceptible to it if my mom was? Is another option aside from the patches?

After checking with my doctor with my history, she is confident the Estrogen patches will be giving me the dose my body would normally create, so as to not create an imbalance. And so I place the first patch on my skin with a prayer for Gods protection. My heart is calm, I feel at peace with what each day seems to bring as I walk along this season and continue to pray for guidance, encouragement and assurance that I am right where I am supposed to be. If I’m not, God please move me.

The Estrogen patch can be one of hope and rejuvenation as I thumb through the thoughts of that summer with my mom. Our refreshed mother-daughter relationship is intertwined with a unique level of love, compassion, vulnerability and respect which only came through the summer season of surgery and scars.two-women-hugging-forgiveness1

What I know to be true through this reflection is that God works together all things for good and he makes all things new. He is a God of mercy, compassion, transformation and restoration. May this be a season of rebirth interlaced with faith and trust.