CCRM Consult

March 9, 2018December 23, 2017 / Hilary / Leave a comment

We had the pleasure of meeting with Dr. Gustofson at the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM) for our fertility consult. He was an absolute delight. We first were welcomed by the front desk helper, who was very cheery and escorted back by a nurse who was kind. Dr. G walked in with a spring in his step and an energy that enabled me to feel comfortable and welcomed.

We talked small-talk for a little bit, getting a feel for his personality which was a delight. Dr. G comes highly recommended by a couple of my friends, so I threw their names out there to make more of a connection.

Funny enough, the friend who told Daniel about me is also a patient of his so the connection feels a little more complete. He was personable and engaging. I immediately felt as though I was in good hands.

He opened a binder of labs and records, all which looked as though they had been combed through with flags coming off the sides of the pages.

Then he asked me to share a bit of my history. I laid it all out for him, starting back when I was 11 years old until now. He listened intently while writing keywords intensely. He then asked some questions to fill in the holes and moved his focus to Hubby to share.

After a quick assessment of our stories coupled with the information he gathered from our records and labs, he offered his thoughts plus some next steps.

Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea

Essentially my body is not engaging in a normal cycle because my brain is not properly communicating with my ovaries.

Dr. G believes this may have started when I was going through puberty. Since I hadn’t ever had regular cycles, he is not sure if this condition was present prior to my exercise bulimia or because of it, but either way, the exercise bulimia, and addictive eating did not help my body to grow into a healthy reproductive state of being. (Thank you God for FA to help me be healthier in my body for the past 11 years!)

Dr. G is quite hopeful for our situation because my body did respond to the Clomid (which many people who are full into the Hypothalamic Amenorrhea do not respond). This is good news. Unfortunately, he did say that the Clomid was probably not the best course of action to take with my situation and believes that with a few changes to the course of action over the next 3 cycles, we will have a positive outcome with a baby.

This is encouraging.

Recommendations:

There are a few labs that he still wants to run just to be sure everything is accounted for.
A full body OBGYN appointment to make sure everything is okay.
I will have to go through an HSG test (where radiographic contrast –dye- is injected into the uterine cavity) to see that the fallopian tubes are open. I already did a FemVue (where they shot bubbles up) but Dr. G wants to see the dye.

Bummer, we should have gone the dye route the first time. This was NOT a pleasant experience and am not looking forward to it.

Hubby has to get checked again too to make sure his swimmers don’t have the antisperm antibody which would essentially ‘blind’ the sperm so that even if a sperm were next to the egg, the sperm wouldn’t be able to detect it.

Fascinating.

Treatment:

Dr. G does not see the need to force a period and (supposing everything goes well with the labs) will start me on Letrozole for days 3-7 of my made-up cycle start. He asks that we do an intrauterine insemination (IUI) to help with the process and will prescribe a progesterone suppository to help improve the receptivity of the uterine lining, enhancing the chances of implantation of a fertilized egg. Yuck, but okay.

Next stop: Billing

How much is all of this going to cost? We will have to call the office next week to find out.

Our insurance (which is a health cost-sharing program) will not cover any of this so we need to be wise with how we move forward.

Continuing to gather all the information to be able to make a decision on what our next right action will be. Praying God will provide the means to do this if this is what we are supposed to try next.

It’s All About the Trust

February 20, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

It’s here, finally! I have been looking forward this day (and a little worried I would start my period before this day arrived). The build-up of this day has gotten to be too great. I am enjoying being in this space of hopeful anticipation because it means there is still a possibility I am pregnant. By now, the HCG from the trigger shot should be out of my system and I am two days past the day I would start my next cycle (if I was in a normal rhythm). I have not gotten my period yet so there is a chance that when I look at the pregnancy test, I will have two lines staring back at me. If not, then I will have to accept that this is not our time and wait for next steps.

Here I go…. wish me luck!

After waiting 3 minutes, the test came back with only one line on the strip. Bummer! I even wait a couple more minutes and then checked again, still not pregnant.

My heart just sank. I was really hoping this would be the one and although am not as let down as I have been in the past, still have a sadness that I can only chalk up to be a normal reaction to an anticipated outcome.

We will not do another round of Clomid at this time. I need a break from all the hormones and we need to take my OBGYN’s recommendation to visit with a fertility specialist as being our next guided step.

The consult is in just over two weeks and I have been putting off the completion of the paperwork in hopes of a positive pregnancy test.

I begin the paperwork and have Hubby fill out his portion.

As I complete the answers, I see how incredibly healthy I am. No smoking, drinking, caffeine, drugs, mental or health history that would prevent pregnancy. From all aspects, I appear to be a healthy candidate for a successful pregnancy. I am hopeful of what these specialists might find inside of me that would be preventing pregnancy.

At this point, I really don’t care how bad the ‘thing’ is that I have going on in me, I just want to know so there can be an answer for all these empty attempts.

Maybe I won’t ever have an answer. I need to be ok with this reality too.

My goal before the consult is to get back into a healthy routine for my body. Getting lots of rest, working out consistently and continuing to eat healthily. This is what I can control.

So for the next few weeks, I will rest and take care of myself. Get into a workout routine that supports my mental health and take action on the things I can do for my body.

I will take my much-desired naps and spend time with God. I do trust him. I trust in the wait and know it will all make sense when I look back on it. I don’t know what is ahead of me in the next year of life. God does. I know that rejection is God’s protection. He knows what he’s doing and I get to sit back and trust it all will come together as it is supposed to.

Until then, I get to enjoy the life I have today. All the wonderful riches of this day. Thank you God!

Patience in the Wait

February 16, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

Today is 15 days after my projected Ovulation day. Typically, women begin their period 14 days after Ovulation, that is what is called the Luteal phase of a cycle. I am trying not to get my hopes up that this means I’m pregnant, but time seems to have slowed down as we wait a few more days before testing for pregnancy. I don’t want to have another false positive and feel the hopeful anticipation boiling up inside of me.

I am praying that I don’t get a period and am scared to see my hopes crushed. I don’t want to have that deflating feeling again. At least at this moment in my life, there is a possibility that we are pregnant. As soon as I see signs of a period, that hope for this round goes away. I won’t want to lose hope.

Trying not to analyze every feeling I am having in my body as being an early sign of pregnancy. I’m more tired, my boobs are sore, I have a bit of back pain… could go either way.

God help me trust you. If I do get my period, it doesn’t mean that the possibilities to become pregnant or have a baby or grow a family goes away. It means you have a better timeframe than I do and I can’t do anything about it but accept it and trust you.

The fear of letting go of my timeframe is that I don’t know what it will look like. The unknown can be uncomfortable because I don’t know how to prepare for it. Controlling the schedule and the process gives me a false sense of assurance that I will be ok and that I will know how to handle the situations when they come.

I am scared of being caught off guard and having things happen that hurt the very depths of my being. One of my greatest fears that I try to protect myself against is the gut-wrenching anguish and sorrow of loss and depression. How do I balance having hope without getting too vulnerable to the trials in life? Is it an option to live this life and experience all the joys and highs without also feeling the sorrows and lows? I don’t want to numb myself out of the world completely, I just want to protect myself from being hurt.

I could stop trying for a baby, but that would be me walking away from a desire I have deep in my heart. I have to throw my hat in the ring in order to have a shot at the prize. It’s just so scary to show up to life when the elements of the day can be so unknown. God help protect me from the things I cannot see or do not know.

OB Can’t Help :(

February 2, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

Two weeks and counting began yesterday(ish) as I’m not quite sure when I ovulated. The pressure and pain in my lower abdomen that started 2 days ago finally has subsided as has a pounding headache. Both are said to be side effects of the HCG shot.

I feel different this time around. Although I do believe we could be pregnant, I am not as attached to knowing. Might it be the protection of my heart to not engage in the hopes and what if’s of the unknown, instead to practice being present today?

The OB recommended us to check out fertility clinics as they can’t help us anymore. We have decided to make a consult appointment with CCRM, a highly reputable fertility clinic in the US. We are fortunate to have them down the road as I have had friends who have flown in from different states to attend the CCRM clinic.

A few of my friends have been going to CCRM and have shared their most favorite doctors, and I am looking forward to hearing what plan is laid out for us for next steps.

Might this be the reason I feel such peace about these next few weeks? Knowing that there is a path and next steps, giving me hope that this is not all that we have to rest on, that in fact there are many more options to try?

Hope in what is possible. Knowing that we are all on a journey and there are good things to be revealed. I don’t think I could handle all the amazing blessings and gifts of a lifetime all in one day. It’s better to spread them out. Practicing enjoying each blessing and gift to the fullest before the next comes along.

Today, I choose to enjoy and to soak in the life I get to live in this moment. To remain hopeful of what our story is to reveal.

Nurse Hubby

January 29, 2018December 1, 2017 / Hilary / Leave a comment

The final round of Clomid is complete and ‘the week’ is here. We have been excited to see what everything looks like that’s been growing. I headed to the doctor, hopeful there would be at least 1 viable follicle and a good thick uterine lining. I have been praying for my womb each night before I go to bed, for God to prepare it and do whatever was necessary to be healthy and fruitful.

Two follicles! Wahoo. Excited to see the Clomid had worked and my lining is 6mm (healthy).

The bummer is the follicles are too small (on day 13), so I made an appointment for day 15.

Within the 2 days, they grew a little more, yippee!! But still not big enough to trigger an ovulation.

Major bummer! What are you going to do? Unfortunately, we are in a circumstance where we are not able to come in to the doctor in the next 7 days, so do we risk foregoing an ovulation? I say this because I have needed help from an HCG trigger shot for all these previous rounds of Clomid so if I don’t get that boost of a hormone, I don’t know if my body will ovulate?

After a little bit of convincing, they send me home with an HCG trigger shot to administer on our own. Ah, what? I am not great at inflicting pain on myself and my Hubby is not too excited about sticking my backside with something that makes me bleed.

They walk through the instructions of how to suck up 1cc of the sanitary water into the syringe using the thicker gauged needle and then squirt it into the vial that has the powdered medication. Roll it in my hands and then change the needle to a smaller (22) gauge needle to suck it all up and then poke it into my bottom. They said ‘we don’t want to put you through a larger gauge needle’ when giving me the smaller.

Thank you, I thought.

We have now crossed over to the next level of medical.

Praying that I would ovulate on my own between now and day 19 (which was the last day they wanted me to go before triggering).

Day 16– no blinking smiley face

Day 17– Blinking smiley face! Oh come on Solid smiley face…

Day 18– Blinking smiley face…. bummer…

Day 19– Blinking smiley face…. (sigh).

It’s time.

We watched a few YouTube videos on administering shots to the bottom. Hubby washed his hands and we found the right spot that he would stick me.

I prepared the medicine as outlined by the nurses and handed the shot to Hubby who was sitting on the toilet seat in the bathroom.

(Plop)

Uh, what was that? I turned around.

The shot was not in his hand and his eyes were pointing toward the ground.

There… sticking straight out of the white shag bathroom mat, nose down, our HCG shot.

Are you serious?

I bend over, try to pick it out of the rug and it’s stuck. I wiggle the needle point out of the mat as it’s tip had bent making a tiny hook around the mat fibers. I narrowed to the point of the needle, it was no longer sharp.

Hubby quickly reminded me we cannot try to use it as it’s not sterile (even though I was contemplating just doing it anyway).

What are we supposed to do now? This was our last round of Clomid and now we cannot even ensure an Ovulation. We may have just forgone our chance this time around.

My heart sank.

Hubby felt horrible… It wasn’t his fault.

There is one more option.

The larger gauged needle.

The same needle the nurses laughed to me about not ‘putting me through that’.

It’s our only option if we want to force the Ovulation with the HCG.

With sweat beginning to surface on my hands in anticipation of this thicker needle entering my skin, I changed out the needles and gave it to Hubby.

What was it going to feel like? How sore would I be? Would that much larger of a needle really hurt?

He poked once… not going in.

He poked twice…. not going in.

In a serious tone, I said, “just force it in there, like a dart”.

He poked a third time and it went in!

Thicker than what I recall… absolutely!

The medicine was administered.

My bottom was sore.

But these are the lengths we go to, right?

The sacrifices for another human being are great and they begin well before they even enter our wombs and lives.

The supplements, the healthy eating, the exercising. All the recommendations of what we can be doing to help foster a healthy environment.

Re-researching the HCG to ensure we had it all correct… ovulation occurs between 24-36 hours after administration of the HCG and the egg lives in a woman’s body for 12-24 hours. So essentially, plan for timed intercourse 24, 36, 42 hours after the shot.

Hubby thought he was done but he still has work to do. At least we are still having fun with this whole process.

I’m grateful that we are a team and God is strengthening our marriage each step of the way. Our conversations about kids and having a family is raw and realistic as we don’t know what our future holds. What we do know though, is we have each other. For today. We can enjoy what is in our life and accept the story God is still to write.