Let the tears fall

Dr. O’Brien pushed our egg harvest (retrieval) by two days since my body started off with low estrogen. Typically, day 12 is when we prepare for the trigger shot to force ovulation, but today is another monitoring day.

Hubby comes with me so he can see the beautiful follicles we are growing.

My stomach region is more sensitive and I feel the pressure mounting as I move.

Thankful, I give praises and I know the follicles are growing.

Another prick of my bruised veins and then into the monitoring room.

This is Hubby’s first time to see and I’m excited for him to experience this.

Sure enough, we have pretty black circles and round shapes front and center on the monitor. The right side is showing off with follicles measuring from 14-22mm. The left is still a bit shy with the majority of follicles measuring around 14mm.

Our nurse explains that although women are born with all the eggs they will ever have, they still need to mature. The maturation process happens within the follicles. Mature eggs are said to be in follicles that measure between 18-22mm.

Although we count at least 15 measurable follicles, only 5 of them are mature.

My heart drops.

We will most likely go one more day to give the smaller ones time to grow.

I pray that we go one more day as it seems too early to trigger now.

Tears begin to fill my eyes as I fear we won’t have enough mature eggs to move through the next steps of the process.

I am scared that we have done all of this and we won’t end up with a good harvest.

My emotions take over and I let the tears fall. I know I am on major hormones but these tears seem so raw and real. tears.png

God, what are you doing?

What else can I do to help these to grow?

How can I ensure they are all healthy, vibrant eggs ready to meet their partner in creating a baby?

I can’t do anything more than what I’m already doing.

I feel helpless.

I have no control what my body will do.

Although modern science is incredible to get us to this point, this is where God shows his stuff.

God, I surrender. I am so scared that we have done all this and we won’t end up with a single viable embryo.

Even more scary to me is that we do all this and we end up with one embryo and we miscarry or we have a full-term pregnancy and then we don’t have any additional embryos for later children.

My mind is full of what-if’s and I don’t wanna’s and me, me, me.

During the acupuncture appointment, I rest my mind.

Allowing myself just to be in this space of pity and sorrow.

Sometimes I just have to give myself permission to wallow. It’s easy to push the feelings aside and get into the positive or the ‘all will be well’ mindset, but it doesn’t honor my emotional reaction to information.

Allow me to be sad and scared.

I don’t stay there much longer as Hubby and I talk and we see that this is God’s plan, as are all children.

This journey is not mine to write. I just get to be along for the ride.

The nurse calls and gives us our medication instructions. Increase the Gonal F, keep everything else the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God, I trust you. I know that although IVF is a medical process, becoming pregnant and delivering a child is a miraculous gift from you.

May I be open to receive what you have to give.

Gonal F- 175IU
Menopur- 225 IU
Cetrotide- .25mg

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