One little tab can make a huge impact. One week ago, I had my blood drawn (confirmed: not pregnant and not ovulating). The next day I put one small tab in my mouth, took a swig of water and shot my head back with a gulp.

The pill dissolved and my body responds.

Over the past 7+ days, each morning this same routine and it has triggered a reaction.

My body wakes me up at 2am, eyes wide, staring at the ceiling.

My body is restless.

I flop from the left to the right, my legs are hot, I kick off my sheets.

The cold air kisses my body, too much.

I’m too cold and pull the blanket back up.

It’s too early for me to get out of bed but I can’t go back to sleep.

I begin praying and trying to keep my mind simple. If I think too much, I know I’ll be awake for the rest of the night.

Slowly, I fall back asleep.

When I awake, I am irritated. Is it because I didn’t get a good nights rest and am tired or is there something else going on?

The tightness in my chest is back. This time it feels as though there is built up the pressure and I just want to PUNCH something to release the energy.

Such anger.

No reason for this, I actually am having great days, but this emotion is intense.

I go to acupuncture. She explains that my emotions are little UPS trucks (vehicles) delivering messages throughout my body. By going on medication for hormones, they are all getting into crashes, not knowing how to flow properly throughout the body. I lay on the table, the needling zings me, she must have hit the spot. I close my eyes. God, help my body calm down and receive this medication that is meant to help.

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Today feels dark. My soul feels quiet. I have the sense that I have walked into a cave and it’s time to hibernate for the next few weeks.

I was with some ladies who are moms and although they meant nothing by their words, I felt a longing and sadness. They have little ones and talk about them like they came into their lives so quickly.

Why not for us?

I saw another birth announcement on Facebook. Good for them. Truly.

Will we be able to have the same experience?

I can be happy for others and their seasons of excitement and joy. For today though, I find myself needing to retreat.

Up until this point, I feel I have been doing pretty well with this whole journey. I have my moments of breakdown and sorrow, but for the most part, I’m seeing this as a chance to learn and grow. Hubby and I continue to grow closer to each other and this desire grows deeper in us both.

Ladies offer their understanding of fertility and stories of others who they know have gone through this and up until now, I have been open to the conversation and hearing the ways God has worked in others.

Today, I feel more fear. Scared that the IVF treatment won’t work for us.

I decided to list out my fears:

• My baseline ultrasound will show something and it will prevent us from being able to start the medication
• My body won’t respond well to the follicle stimulation medication
• We will have to postpone egg retrieval because my body isn’t responding
• We will have to end the follicle stimulation medication because my body responded in the wrong way and we have to start over with a different approach
• We won’t get a lot of eggs (less than 20) at the retrieval
• The eggs won’t be good quality eggs to use.
• The sperm and eggs won’t go well together and they won’t grow and the cells won’t multiply
• We find out there are chromosome abnormalities and we will only have 1-2 blastocysts

My prayer is that we:

Are able to start the stimulation process on time and that my body responds well and everything goes smoothly with the follicle growth.

Have over 25 eggs, over 80% are good eggs to use and that the majority of them are growing at the normal rate.

Receive news that our blastocysts are chromosomally sound and that we have multiple (5-7) healthy wonderful blastocysts to begin transferring for a pregnancy.

I have one more week of birth control before we have our first round of tests to see if my body is ready for me to begin the stimulation medication.

This means I have this next week of prayer and surrender to what God wants and the release my tension of what I want to what give over to God what I cannot control.