It’s All About the Trust

February 20, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

It’s here, finally! I have been looking forward this day (and a little worried I would start my period before this day arrived). The build-up of this day has gotten to be too great. I am enjoying being in this space of hopeful anticipation because it means there is still a possibility I am pregnant. By now, the HCG from the trigger shot should be out of my system and I am two days past the day I would start my next cycle (if I was in a normal rhythm). I have not gotten my period yet so there is a chance that when I look at the pregnancy test, I will have two lines staring back at me. If not, then I will have to accept that this is not our time and wait for next steps.

Here I go…. wish me luck!

After waiting 3 minutes, the test came back with only one line on the strip. Bummer! I even wait a couple more minutes and then checked again, still not pregnant.

My heart just sank. I was really hoping this would be the one and although am not as let down as I have been in the past, still have a sadness that I can only chalk up to be a normal reaction to an anticipated outcome.

We will not do another round of Clomid at this time. I need a break from all the hormones and we need to take my OBGYN’s recommendation to visit with a fertility specialist as being our next guided step.

The consult is in just over two weeks and I have been putting off the completion of the paperwork in hopes of a positive pregnancy test.

I begin the paperwork and have Hubby fill out his portion.

As I complete the answers, I see how incredibly healthy I am. No smoking, drinking, caffeine, drugs, mental or health history that would prevent pregnancy. From all aspects, I appear to be a healthy candidate for a successful pregnancy. I am hopeful of what these specialists might find inside of me that would be preventing pregnancy.

At this point, I really don’t care how bad the ‘thing’ is that I have going on in me, I just want to know so there can be an answer for all these empty attempts.

Maybe I won’t ever have an answer. I need to be ok with this reality too.

My goal before the consult is to get back into a healthy routine for my body. Getting lots of rest, working out consistently and continuing to eat healthily. This is what I can control.

So for the next few weeks, I will rest and take care of myself. Get into a workout routine that supports my mental health and take action on the things I can do for my body.

I will take my much-desired naps and spend time with God. I do trust him. I trust in the wait and know it will all make sense when I look back on it. I don’t know what is ahead of me in the next year of life. God does. I know that rejection is God’s protection. He knows what he’s doing and I get to sit back and trust it all will come together as it is supposed to.

Until then, I get to enjoy the life I have today. All the wonderful riches of this day. Thank you God!

Patience in the Wait

February 16, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

Today is 15 days after my projected Ovulation day. Typically, women begin their period 14 days after Ovulation, that is what is called the Luteal phase of a cycle. I am trying not to get my hopes up that this means I’m pregnant, but time seems to have slowed down as we wait a few more days before testing for pregnancy. I don’t want to have another false positive and feel the hopeful anticipation boiling up inside of me.

I am praying that I don’t get a period and am scared to see my hopes crushed. I don’t want to have that deflating feeling again. At least at this moment in my life, there is a possibility that we are pregnant. As soon as I see signs of a period, that hope for this round goes away. I won’t want to lose hope.

Trying not to analyze every feeling I am having in my body as being an early sign of pregnancy. I’m more tired, my boobs are sore, I have a bit of back pain… could go either way.

God help me trust you. If I do get my period, it doesn’t mean that the possibilities to become pregnant or have a baby or grow a family goes away. It means you have a better timeframe than I do and I can’t do anything about it but accept it and trust you.

The fear of letting go of my timeframe is that I don’t know what it will look like. The unknown can be uncomfortable because I don’t know how to prepare for it. Controlling the schedule and the process gives me a false sense of assurance that I will be ok and that I will know how to handle the situations when they come.

I am scared of being caught off guard and having things happen that hurt the very depths of my being. One of my greatest fears that I try to protect myself against is the gut-wrenching anguish and sorrow of loss and depression. How do I balance having hope without getting too vulnerable to the trials in life? Is it an option to live this life and experience all the joys and highs without also feeling the sorrows and lows? I don’t want to numb myself out of the world completely, I just want to protect myself from being hurt.

I could stop trying for a baby, but that would be me walking away from a desire I have deep in my heart. I have to throw my hat in the ring in order to have a shot at the prize. It’s just so scary to show up to life when the elements of the day can be so unknown. God help protect me from the things I cannot see or do not know.

OB Can’t Help :(

February 2, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

Two weeks and counting began yesterday(ish) as I’m not quite sure when I ovulated. The pressure and pain in my lower abdomen that started 2 days ago finally has subsided as has a pounding headache. Both are said to be side effects of the HCG shot.

I feel different this time around. Although I do believe we could be pregnant, I am not as attached to knowing. Might it be the protection of my heart to not engage in the hopes and what if’s of the unknown, instead to practice being present today?

The OB recommended us to check out fertility clinics as they can’t help us anymore. We have decided to make a consult appointment with CCRM, a highly reputable fertility clinic in the US. We are fortunate to have them down the road as I have had friends who have flown in from different states to attend the CCRM clinic.

A few of my friends have been going to CCRM and have shared their most favorite doctors, and I am looking forward to hearing what plan is laid out for us for next steps.

Might this be the reason I feel such peace about these next few weeks? Knowing that there is a path and next steps, giving me hope that this is not all that we have to rest on, that in fact there are many more options to try?

Hope in what is possible. Knowing that we are all on a journey and there are good things to be revealed. I don’t think I could handle all the amazing blessings and gifts of a lifetime all in one day. It’s better to spread them out. Practicing enjoying each blessing and gift to the fullest before the next comes along.

Today, I choose to enjoy and to soak in the life I get to live in this moment. To remain hopeful of what our story is to reveal.