How many times do I have to go through my entire health history with another doctor? I attended my annual appointment with my OB-GYN and came to find out that the person I saw the last time… has left. I was re-assigned to another person in the clinic and I could tell I was starting to boil up with frustration; I have been through this before. When I set up the appointment, I also called my General Practitioner (GP) and my Endocrinologist to have them send over my latest labs and exam notes.

When I checked in, I asked if they had all my up-to-date records… they didn’t. I could see where this visit was going and I started praying. “God, help me be patient, loving, tolerant and kind. “ No need to take my frustrations of past experiences out on someone who I didn’t even know.

I was taken back to the exam room and after the routine questions from the nurse; I waited for the assigned PA to enter the room. “God, I am grateful for the story you have given me to live and experience and for how it is continuing to unravel… please be with me now and with the lady you have assigned me to.”

In walks Nancy*. Chipper, comical… lovely. We small chat and then jump into the reason for my visit. She had some of the notes from my last visit, but wanted me to loop her in… so I took a deep breath and began to regurgitate all that I have learned about myself. Feeling as though I’m the expert on my own body… with no answers.

As we talked, I felt a calm come over me though. It’s not her fault she doesn’t know about me and maybe she will have a different perspective on my situation. I shared about my recent re-trial of progesterone and she offered the same thoughts as the other doctor—a lot of “maybes” and “let’s try’s”. She completed the exam and scheduled me for an Ultra Sound in a few weeks to see a few things (no, not a baby) and we concluded.

I know that I could be acting on the mixture of recommendations of herbals, acupuncture, pink drinks, stopping all exercise, gaining weight, medications, infertility specialists… many I have tried. I just know for me, it will be the process of checking each thing off the list (again) will refining what will work with me and my body. I can’t help believe that God is in control of all of this. I know God provides science for us to progress and I will continue to pray. As of now, I feel confident in his leading me to trust him and keep talking about my journey. Using my story to help others, sharing all the things I don’t know. There is a purpose in all of this. I have a purpose in this journey.

What I do know is that God is working. I know that my story is not uncommon and I am not alone in the path to a baby. I do ask a lot of questions I will never know the answers to. How is it that people who don’t want to get pregnant, DO and those who do want to get pregnant, DON’T? It’s baffling to me. If God is all-mighty, all-powerful and all-knowing, how would this disconnect happen?

Why would there be children across the world that needs families. Some of these situations are hard to stomach- like the orphans whose parents died; others are orphans because their parents didn’t want them. How tragic. This life, this human being… with a heart… a brain… a soul… a future. Thankfully there are people who have the desire to adopt. I do believe God redeems and provides and I will continue to put my faith and trust in Him— God who knows all, “there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him.” Hebrews 4:13.

He knows. He sees. I trust. I believe.

*Name changed.