Tiny Progesterone Pills

Twelve days away from starting my next stimulation cycle.

Not that anyone is counting… except me who continues to look at the dates I have placed on my Google Calendar.

It’s okay to laugh. I have learned that my calendar has become my place of perceived control. I feel so out of control in so many areas of my life that when I stare at the different upcoming events on my calendar, I feel organized and calm in the structure of the perceived known future.

Yes, I know it’s all perceived and everything can change on a dime. But don’t you look for places of stability? Places where you can feel the ground firmly beneath you, even if for a moment of relief and peace?

I don’t know what my future holds with more kids or if I will be able to feel a baby kicking inside me again. I can’t control that and when I try to hold that hope in my hands, it only slips away like sand through my fingers.

So, I find a moment of breath when I can look and see what my Monday at 3pm looks like or that I know that I have an eyebrow waxing appointment next Saturday.

Hubby laughs at how often I look at my calendar. It’s where I veg out and it’s where I feel in control.

Well, last night I took my first progesterone pill. I will take these for 10 days straight and continue with the estrogen patch routine.

My stomach has all sorts of sticky circle remanences on it from all the different patches I’ve been wearing.

After my last night of progesterone, my body will recognize it is no longer getting the hormone and release all the lining, bringing me to day 1 of the stim cycle.

I am thrilled.

At this point, I feel so surrendered to what is about to happen.

Since we are looking at this stim cycle as being (most likely) our final effort to have our own biological baby, I feel a sense of excitement to see how things are going to work out.

If this cycle is successful, then we will have one or more embryos to transfer for a future pregnancy (or more!)

If this cycle is not successful with embryos, then I will put in my application for the dog breed I have been eying and being praying about the journey to adoption. (I say to myself with a smirk, knowing that the key to all of this process is accepting what the results are when it’s time to know them.)

Either way, I feel like we will be taking steps to grow our family.

It is clear to me that I want to have a second (or even third) child and I am 100% open to adoption.

In fact, that idea excites me.

It goes without saying though, that if I can carry my own biological child, I will and I am giddy to think that I will be able to do that again.

More than anything, what fills me with the most peace is knowing that I am surrendered to whatever the outcome might be.

I do know that whatever direction the outcome of this stim cycle points us; will be exactly as it’s supposed to be.

So, the upcoming 9 nights are filled with incredibly sleepy eyes that weigh so heavily as I wind down from the day and crazy elaborate dreams that wake me up because they seem so real.

This hormone deal is no joke and this is just the beginning of the rush of hormones throughout my system.

God, your will be done.