pregnant

Took 17 years, but I got it!

/ Hilary / 3 Comments

Well, this is one heck of the way to start 2017!

As I’ve written in the past, my body has not produced a period without the help of hormone medicine. I had my first period when I was in 7th grade (12 years old) and would have occasional periods throughout the year, but nothing regular.

When I entered into high school, my periods went away…. for no reason that I am aware of.

Sure, I was a very active person. I was a gymnast and dancer in middle school while playing soccer. When I entered into high school I began playing volleyball year-around and working out consistently. By college, I was a full-blown exercise bulimic and over-eater which only fueled my need to work out more in order to feel good about myself and my body.

Was this the reason for my lack of a period? Maybe.

At the age of 16, I started on birth control, to give myself a period (as recommended by the doctors). I have not had a period on my own, since.

Until yesterday! December 31, 2016, at the age of 33, I got a period!

Where did this come from? I have no idea!

Over the past 10 1/2 years I have been in recovery from food addiction, which has arrested my over-eating and exercise bulimia, but why get a period now?

In December, I went to Bridgeway Church for a SMASH session, also known as Sozo. My reason for going was not to get my period back, but was to reconnect with God in a way that I felt could only be done with prayer. This was my first time engaging in a Sozo and found it to be very freeing.

One thing we did pray over, was my womb. For the blocks to be removed and the ‘locked door’ to become unlocked.

Was this the reason for me getting my period? Maybe.

From December 24th until today, I have been totally relaxed. I unplugged from technology and work for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and enjoyed a leisure book (Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist), napped and cuddled with my husband.

I became sick with a head-cold that following Tuesday and have been resting, slowing down, and not working out (well, this has been the case for about a month due to an expired gym membership) for the past 5 days.

So maybe I got my period because I slowed down and rested. I’m not sure. But I’m certainly not going to try and figure it out. It’s too much energy attempting to answer questions that may not have answers.

Where my mind does go though, is to what many of my friends have told me about their own experience. I have friends who never got their period, got it once, got pregnant, and never got their period again.

You see where I’m going with this, right?

My mind immediately jumps to… oh my gosh, that’s going to be my story! I am so excited. I have not had my period for over 17 years, and now I got it by God’s amazing gifting, and now I’ll get pregnant this month.

Yes, I have already charted out my monthly schedule on my Kindara phone app and have informed my husband of ‘the plan’…

(SIGH)

How quickly my mind can ‘go there’, forgetting that it was not by my doing that brought me this period… and it won’t be by my doing that will get us pregnant.

I need to remain openhanded and hopeful of what is possible, while accepting Gods plan and perfect.

If we get pregnant off this one period, we will rejoice. If we do not get pregnant off this period, we will rejoice.

Either way we are praying for Gods will and  guidance.

Getting a period after all the medicine I’ve tried that didn’t produce a period shows me this:

I’m not in control and God can do miracles.

 

Back to Baby-Talk

/ Hilary / 4 Comments

Happy holidays!

It has been a long time since I wrote and thought it would be a good time to start up again.

As I last wrote, my husband and I were taking time away from the baby-making focus and putting our energies into our work. Over the past 6 months, I have been working feverishly on my coaching business and feel my time and energy will pay off soon.

A funny thing happened over the past month though, a shift in our priorities.

Maybe it was when Daniel blew out his candles on his 36th birthday cake, or maybe it was the constant stream of ‘presents’, To-Be-Delivered-in-6-months left under the Christmas tree by The Stork to what seems ALL of my friends on Facebook (more on this in my next post)… either way, we have caught Baby Fever and are revisiting our options.

So here I am, back writing about the journey towards having a baby.

Let me bring those of you up to speed…

I am a healthy 33 years old, who has never received a period without medical assistance. From the age of 16-31, I was on and off birth control pills prescribed solely to give myself a period. I have facial hair (thank you laser hair removal), adult acne and have struggled with my weight in the past and don’t today (thank you God). All this leads to a a diagnosed, then undiagnosed and then re-diagnosed Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) diagnosis.

The strange thing to me though, is none of the medication for PCOS helps. I have ingested a medicine cabinet full of medication that is to help patients with PCOS regain a bit of ‘normalcy’, but it didn’t do much for this body. It simply brought about painful acne, huge mood swings and cramping.

The final response from my doctors was to try Clomid and/or acupuncture when I’m ready to take the next step.

From December 2014 when I went off birth control and began engaging in unprotected sex. I had it in my head that we could get pregnant and was meddling in the ideas of… ‘Maybe this is the time when…’.

For a period of time, I was peeing on Ovulation sticks and taking my Basal Temperature. All in hopes of tracking my Ovulation without having the typical ‘first day of period’ to gauge from.

In the 4 months I was tracking for Ovulation, I got one :)… which means ovulation… I think it’s pretty crappy that the sign of Ovulation is a :), because that makes every other day a 😦 or nothing on the screen at all… I kind of don’t like 🙂 anymore.

At the same time, I knew it would be a road to journey with potential medication or other fertility treatment and so we also revisited the conversation of adoption.

When we began dating, adoption was an easy agreement. Both of us want to adopt, regardless if we can birth our own.

For the past year have been ‘gently’ mentioning that it will take 2-5 years in many circumstances to receive a child, pending where we decide to adopt… so we may want to start the paperwork process now… (hint, hint)…

After 6 months of my causal info dropping and split energy between priorities of work and family, we decided to put a hold on all baby talk until 2017.

Side note: My husband has always wanted a family and is the more, should I say, reasonable & realistic out of the two of us. I tend to bite off more than I can chew and he approaches decisions methodically, with thought, prayer and discernment.

He is good for me like that- he knows that when I get focused on something, I tend to run after it with complete effort and energy.

So this is where we are… ready to move forward and take the steps God has for us may it be conceiving or adopting… or both!

Excited to be sick? Something’s off…

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

5227053414_4dbd66037f_bOver the past several days, I have felt sick. My stomach was ‘off’ and I felt ‘punk’ (you know… when you aren’t fully engaged with the world because your mind is slower and there are hints feeling low and ill). I felt my boobs to see if they were more sore (they weren’t). The waves of stomach icky continued. Let me be clear though, this wasn’t the throwing up, it was the other- but I had actually convinced myself that I could be pregnant.

Well, this was me and to be honest, I was a little excited! Could I be pregnant? Is this the beginning of morning sickness?

I went as far as peeing on the pregnancy stick to see if I was… Reading the instructions I knew I would have to wait 2 minutes before I would see any results, and yet as soon as I looked at it- there was a huge ” – ” on the screen, definitely not pregnant.

My heart dropped. Feeling a bit let down. After all… I had actually hoped that maybe… possibly…

Guess I have just had a bad case of something… but it’s not a baby.

What’s so interesting to me through this is the fact that my husband and I have already openly discussed how we are both focusing on our business ventures to become more consistent in our incomes and that we aren’t ‘trying’.

But what does ‘not trying’ mean when you’re married and wanting to have a family?

Is it just a mental game we play with ourselves to convince us not to obsess about something, when we have no control over it? Is it a way to distract ourselves so we don’t get worried about why things aren’t happening? Maybe it’s just a way for me to keep my head on straight and not get too over-worked and analytical about, everything.

I’ll be honest (again) with you. I would love to become pregnant because that would mean we would start our family! Yet, I’m terribly scared for many reasons, but these 2 are pretty clear.

  1. I am wanting to grow my business to be my full-time focus and for it to bring in clients on a consistent basis and this takes a ton of time and energy. It’s kinda like it’s own baby in some ways. (Is this selfish?)
  2. I am scared about what becoming pregnant and having a baby will do for my life as I know it today. Everything will change, I won’t have my daily routine as it is today, I will be living for more than just my husband and me. I will become a mom and take on the realities of ALL this entails.

So I’m kinda stuck in the in between. Although we have been ‘trying’ for 1.5  years… I do feel God is continuing to work on the two of us. We have had a lot of great discussions and I have become more aware of my fears. Little by slow, I’m working through them and am seeing my thoughts and perspectives change and my heart soften.

Currently, I’ve been hanging out with my nephews quite a bit! This isbaby griffin Griffin, he’s 4 months old and his big brother Cooper is almost 5 years! I’ve spend long days with these guys and it’s certainly given me a great appreciation for parents and the sacrifice it is to be a hands-on parent.

My hubby and I are being prepared for a life change, and to help us remember that we are not in control and that He is the giver of life.

“Wait quietly in my presence while My thoughts form silently in the depths of your being.” Jesus Calling

My desire is to surrender my thoughts, ideas, plans, timing, worries, unknowns to God and sit quietly in His presence.