PCOS

Back on BC

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

download.jpgTwo weeks ago, I met my OBGYN doctor for the first time. She was absolutely…

Serious.

Not a lot of ‘bedside manner’. She spoke from experience with numerous facts about the successful pregnancies she’s experienced with other patients with PCOS. I immediately felt comfortable with her expertise and assurance that we would most-likely become pregnant.

Before we began talking logistics, I shared with her the results of my husband’s ‘swimmers’. Not only was she impressed with how good they look (nice job Honey), but also that we had this test completed prior to my appointment with her.

Note to others: get hubby checked prior to fertility consult. Hubby wasn’t at all thrilled with the idea of having to provide a sample, but I reminded him of how many times I have to put my feet in those straps to posture vulnerable to doctors and nurses… one sample can’t compare. Looking for a place? He went through Conceptions.

After about 20 minutes of discussing with my new friend the OB Dr., we had a plan.

  • Step 1: I am to start on birth control in order to force my body into having a period.
  • Step 2: On the day of my first true bleed (not just spotting), I am to contact OB Dr. to get a prescription of Clomid.
  • Step 3: On days 3-8 I am to take Clomid.
  • Step 4: On days 10-20ish? I am to pee on Ovulation sticks
  • Goal: To ovulate.

If I don’t ovulate, they will increase the dosage of Clomid for the next month. If I do ovulate, have at it and pray for pregnancy.

With a thin uterine lining, it may be necessary for me to return to those sticky estrogen patches (ick!). She said Clomid thins out the uterine lining even more… so that may be a necessity. Praying for God to do miracles!

We will to this for 6 months, which at that point if not pregnant, she will refer me to a Fertility specialist. Come on God!

One caveat to the Clomid is we must be prepared for the potential of twins (eek! ok I’m actually super excited about that idea). She said it’s about a 10% chance that we would have twins. After a little hesitation, we agreed that two babies is better than none and would gratefully welcome twins into our family.

So back onto birth control I am, with my emotions all over the place, my face breaking out with all sorts of acne, my boobs ever so sore, and what feels like 100lbs of weight gain (only a few pounds) that feels like water weight/bloatedness, ick. Not to mention I am crying A LOT… uncontrollable sobbing, Niagra falls of tears rushing down my face.

Not the most fun past few weeks as it feels like I’m experiencing one BIG cycle to make up for all those I have missed. Yet, I am open to anything and reminding me it’s a temporary discomfort.

This weekend, I went to my nephews 1st birthday party. It was adorable to see all the new babies amidst the older siblings playing in the jumpy-set.

A high school friend was there with her husband and twin 11-week old babies. They were absolutely precious and it was such a gift to talk with them. Their journey to these babies has been long and emotional as well. She too has PCOS and shared some wonderful tidbits of what she learned along the way.

I love how openly people are willing and able to speak about their own journey to growing a family and understand the power in sharing.

My desire is for more people share, to give hope and experience while offering an ear to simply listen. The longing for something in life that cannot be controlled is universal. Desiring to meet your life partner, wanting so badly to grow a family, praying for the health of a loved one… these heart’s desires that can’t be fulfilled by ‘willing’ anything to happen.

It’s the practice of patience, trust, and gratitude for what is here now.

I feel like I’m a broken record in all my writing, in all my thinking. I know in my head what is the ‘right’ posture as I journey through my days, yet I let my negativity and dissatisfaction of aspects of my life shadow the beauty.

Caring too much? Thinking too much? Possibly.

My prayer is that through these next few months… (ok, I’ll start off small)… through this week, I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

(ok, I’ll start off small)… through this week, I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

Back to Baby-Talk

/ Hilary / 4 Comments

Happy holidays!

It has been a long time since I wrote and thought it would be a good time to start up again.

As I last wrote, my husband and I were taking time away from the baby-making focus and putting our energies into our work. Over the past 6 months, I have been working feverishly on my coaching business and feel my time and energy will pay off soon.

A funny thing happened over the past month though, a shift in our priorities.

Maybe it was when Daniel blew out his candles on his 36th birthday cake, or maybe it was the constant stream of ‘presents’, To-Be-Delivered-in-6-months left under the Christmas tree by The Stork to what seems ALL of my friends on Facebook (more on this in my next post)… either way, we have caught Baby Fever and are revisiting our options.

So here I am, back writing about the journey towards having a baby.

Let me bring those of you up to speed…

I am a healthy 33 years old, who has never received a period without medical assistance. From the age of 16-31, I was on and off birth control pills prescribed solely to give myself a period. I have facial hair (thank you laser hair removal), adult acne and have struggled with my weight in the past and don’t today (thank you God). All this leads to a a diagnosed, then undiagnosed and then re-diagnosed Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) diagnosis.

The strange thing to me though, is none of the medication for PCOS helps. I have ingested a medicine cabinet full of medication that is to help patients with PCOS regain a bit of ‘normalcy’, but it didn’t do much for this body. It simply brought about painful acne, huge mood swings and cramping.

The final response from my doctors was to try Clomid and/or acupuncture when I’m ready to take the next step.

From December 2014 when I went off birth control and began engaging in unprotected sex. I had it in my head that we could get pregnant and was meddling in the ideas of… ‘Maybe this is the time when…’.

For a period of time, I was peeing on Ovulation sticks and taking my Basal Temperature. All in hopes of tracking my Ovulation without having the typical ‘first day of period’ to gauge from.

In the 4 months I was tracking for Ovulation, I got one :)… which means ovulation… I think it’s pretty crappy that the sign of Ovulation is a :), because that makes every other day a 😦 or nothing on the screen at all… I kind of don’t like 🙂 anymore.

At the same time, I knew it would be a road to journey with potential medication or other fertility treatment and so we also revisited the conversation of adoption.

When we began dating, adoption was an easy agreement. Both of us want to adopt, regardless if we can birth our own.

For the past year have been ‘gently’ mentioning that it will take 2-5 years in many circumstances to receive a child, pending where we decide to adopt… so we may want to start the paperwork process now… (hint, hint)…

After 6 months of my causal info dropping and split energy between priorities of work and family, we decided to put a hold on all baby talk until 2017.

Side note: My husband has always wanted a family and is the more, should I say, reasonable & realistic out of the two of us. I tend to bite off more than I can chew and he approaches decisions methodically, with thought, prayer and discernment.

He is good for me like that- he knows that when I get focused on something, I tend to run after it with complete effort and energy.

So this is where we are… ready to move forward and take the steps God has for us may it be conceiving or adopting… or both!

Patches

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

“Yes, you have multiple follicles within each ovary which is indicative of PCOS. Interesting given your normal androgens.” The opening line to my most recent email from my Endocrinologist. Back to PCOS. Going to doctors to look for answers is so much larger for me than wanting to become pregnant. I desire a healthy body that functions as it is supposed to. The chronic fatigue, acne, facial hair, low hormone levels (sex drive). Are they all linked? All the research points to it, yes. Does this give me hope that I can actually be ‘normal’? What does that even mean? Could I actually make it through a day without taking a nap? (Although I really do love my naps :-).)

To what lengths am I being asked to go on this journey for a healthy, working body? Maybe I am as healthy as my body can be; maybe it just looks different on me than it does other women? I can’t help but think these symptoms I spoke of, could possible go away with the right mix of treatment.

Her first option was for me to decide between another round of progesterone or to try either Metformin or Clomid. Both which I have tried, but again, I stay open to all ideas as I know our bodies change and mine certainly has since getting married. I find it fascinating. She also noted my endometrial layer lining being very thin. With this information she wants to put me on the Estrogen patch for the next 2 months and then progesterone for 10 days to see if I get a period. My first thought was, ‘great! Let’s do it!’ And then I began quoting Troop Beverly Hills “Patches, we don’t need no stinking patches!” (I digress). And then the flashbacks began accompanied by nervous thoughts.

My fears crept up from my stomach and overtook my heart as it began pounding more rapidly and I had a momentary shortness of breath.

Estrogen patches.

The last time I saw these was on my mother. The relationship I had growing up with my mom was pretty typical as she taught me how to grow into womanhood and run a household. There were times when we butt heads as she ran the coop and I wanted to, overall I respected her and desired a closer ‘adult’ relationship. She had a hysterectomy in 2006 and began her hormone supplement treatments. All was fine and well until doctors diagnosed her with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) in 2008 and added the necessary medication to her daily routine.  The side effects were less than desirable and doctors changed the type of estrogen patch. One year later, when I was living back at home (age 26), she found a lump and was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

Our eyes flowed with tears as she met with doctors and surgeons, getting options and hearing options. My dad was the rock we needed as we prepared for her double-mastectomy. My relationship with my mother changed.nurse holding tray with medicine She needed me the way I had known to need her. She taught me how to love her well as I took care of her and nursed her back to health.

Some of the sweetest moments with her came out of those months of recovery. She allowed herself to be vulnerable with me and I learned how to be next to her through the discomfort and pain. I made meals, drove her to appointments, helped her bath and dressed her. Our relationship shifted and I began to love her in a new way, as a friend. Those patches created an opportunity for our relationship to be ‘patched’.

As she healed from the wounds and her strength increased, I was confident in her recovery. She began taking the prescribed Tamoxifen to be taken for the following five years. I’m happy to say, today she is cancer free, but the link between the estrogen medication change and her breast cancer is hard for me to overlook.

The questions rattle around in my head. Am I susceptible to it if my mom was? Is another option aside from the patches?

After checking with my doctor with my history, she is confident the Estrogen patches will be giving me the dose my body would normally create, so as to not create an imbalance. And so I place the first patch on my skin with a prayer for Gods protection. My heart is calm, I feel at peace with what each day seems to bring as I walk along this season and continue to pray for guidance, encouragement and assurance that I am right where I am supposed to be. If I’m not, God please move me.

The Estrogen patch can be one of hope and rejuvenation as I thumb through the thoughts of that summer with my mom. Our refreshed mother-daughter relationship is intertwined with a unique level of love, compassion, vulnerability and respect which only came through the summer season of surgery and scars.two-women-hugging-forgiveness1

What I know to be true through this reflection is that God works together all things for good and he makes all things new. He is a God of mercy, compassion, transformation and restoration. May this be a season of rebirth interlaced with faith and trust.

 

 

Open Hands

/ Hilary / 6 Comments

After 10 days of Progesterone and all the lovely side effects of consuming additional hormones (sleepy, moody, acne…), I am left with extra bacteria that I’m now on medication for and no withdraw bleed. I don’t think the bacteria has anything to do with the Progesterone, I just find it interesting to be experiencing so many “female problems” throughout this process. So, I will roll along through the next 3 weeks and try another round of Progesterone in March. How am I feeling? Well, surprisingly peace-filled.  I trust the expertise of my endocrinologist and know we have many options out there to try before I can rule anything out. Not to mention our faith is carrying us.

I went in for my scheduled Ultra-Sound and prayed before I entered the hospital. I don’t want to be negative or a ‘Debby-downer’ but it is difficult for m5876981450_bde15b9aaa_be to think they will find anything of substance. Last time I was in, they saw cysts in my ovaries and then after a string of medication ruled PCOS out… but I’ll remain with my hands open to receive whatever it is I am to see and know…

My Ultra-Sound tech was great, very supportive, and before I knew it, I could see a bit more of what is going on inside. She did confirm my uterus lining is ultra-thin which typically happens after a period, so with me without a recent period, is taking note. She also was surprised to see a difference in my uterus shape. It’s supposed to look like a triangle with a little hump, mine looks like a partial heart. She called it uterus septum. She’s not too worried since it didn’t look severe, but is checking with my doctor in the office. The kicker is… we counted 14 cysts in one ovary and 15 in the other! Maybe this time around the PCOS diagnosis will be confirmed.

The technician wanted to talk with my  doctor before any feedback was provided… but maybe we are getting closer to an actual… why?

I am waiting the call of explanation and next steps. Thankfully my OB-GYN and Endocrinologist know each other and will be talking (fingers-crossed). So in the meantime… I’ll keep praying.
God is good, all the time. I know we are growing in our relationship with the Lord. We pray to him for guidance and feel peace and calm thoughts about what our future holds. I know we will be parents. It may be through adoption, but I know my husband will be an incredible father and I pray I’ll be a loving mom. We desire to have a baby made with our own genes and I feel it’s incredibly possible. So I will continue to sit in this posture of faith and trust, knowing God is with me. He knows the bigger picture and as much as I desire a little one that is the mixture of us, I want to live in Gods will- progressing his kingdom.

Road to a Baby

/ Hilary / 1 Comment

I vividly remember the day I got my first period. I was in 7th grade and I entered the laundry room where my mom was completing the load of white. I whispered to her, “I think I started my period.” I was embarrassed and excited. Finally, I was a young women, joining my friends who talked about it at sleep overs and the sisterhood of the billions of women around the world. Not to mention, that having a period would mean that someday after meeting my prince charming, I would have the opportunity to carry and bring a baby into this life.

Ok I wasn’t thinking about a baby in the 7th grade, but I was excited to be a ‘WOMAN’. I would have a period every couple of months and my doctors told me that I would become more regular over time. When I was in high school, I was active in sports, playing competitive year-around volleyball. I was also exercising a fair amount in the off-season. My period was still pretty sporadic. Doctors told me it was because of my level of exercise and that once I stopped playing competitively, I would get it back. They also noted that I has Cysts in my ovaries and that I could have PCOS. I began preparing myself for the fact that I may not be able to have children once I married. They also mentioned in the meantime, it would be good for me to start on birth control to give myself a period. So I did. I was 16.

I entered into college and onto the college volleyball court to play 4 more years of competitive volleyball. I was still on birth control. The 3-hour practices each day were difficult on my body, but I had a love for the sport and I wanted to live out my college athletic opportunities. In the off season, I trained just as hard and fell into unhealthy behaviors with food and exercise. I began using exercise as a way to get rid of the food I consumed, so I could justify eating more food throughout the day. I now know this to be exercise bulimia.

Hoping to get my period back ‘naturally’, I went off of birth control at the age of 20, praying my body would ‘jump start’ itself into a healthy routine. Nothing.

I saw OBGYN’s, Endocrinologist, acupuncturist, massage therapists, and took herbal supplements… Nothing.

Moving to big city living to pursue my dream to be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, I embraced the lack of a period. No monthly disruptions, no mood swings, no cramps… I’m IN! But my general practitioner saw a young women who may be entering early osteoporosis if I didn’t have enough estrogen in my body. That coupled with my need/desire to go onto Accutane which REQUIRED me to go onto birth control even though I was the FARTHEST person to be getting pregnant (unless I would be the modern day Mary). I was 23.

Every time I’m on birth control, I get a period. Every time I’m off.. I don’t. Labs conclude, my body doesn’t create estrogen. I am not a doctor (nor do I want to try to be one)- so I trust in their expertise and guidance (a bit ignorant, maybe).

I did go to UCSF PCOS clinic and they concluded that I don’t have PCOS. I was a bit bummed actually I was hoping for an answer. I think it was a mis-diagnosis really- I don’t have chin hair because I do laser hair removal and I’m no long over weight because of a food plan that helps me maintain my weight.

Fast forward to now- age 32 and married. When I met my husband, I was very open with him and shared that I may not be able to bare my own children. As much as it pains me, I have accepted this truth (with a flicker of hope). I have had 16 years to re-acclimate my idea of children to adoption and I am grateful to know my husband has the same heart. As we look into the process of adoption, our eyes are wide… 2+ years of paperwork and how much?! … Yikes! We are continuing to pray and leave our hands open to what God desires for us as parents.

I still hope to birth my own child. I have been off of birth control for a year and my body has not created a period. I know I still could be ovulating so haven’t ruled it out. Oh yes, I have been to all the specialists (again) and feel like I’m a broken record every time I am in to see another doctor. It feels as though I know my body better than they and I get frustrated at them for not having an answer. I feel as though my body is broken. What’s wrong with me? What did I do to cause this? Was it that I played sports at a young age? Was it because of my unhealthy eating or exercise? Why can others get pregnant and I can’t? God, I don’t understand! I have been living a healthy lifestyle for 10 years, balanced diet, exercise, down time, active time… I feel like I’m doing everything ‘right’.

I know it’s horrible to say this, but at times I wish for any answer (ANY answer) just to have one. I was in an MRI and CAT Scan recently and I found myself thinking, what if they do find something? Then I will have a reason for not having a period… not being normal (whatever that is). I’m married now, I can see the father of my children and we desire a family so it feels like I’m going through this experience for the first time, but now that the stakes really matter.

My recent appointment with the Endocrinologist concluded with another round of labs ordered, more blood to be drawn and more unknowns to try and answer. I feel as though my body is an ever changing science experiment. I long for a baby to call my own- to carry for 9 months, to lose sleep over, to see Gods creation between my husband and me in my arms… And still my hope remains in the Lord and his goodness. “He works all thing together for our good”-Romans 8:28.

So I will continue to hope, and write, as we journey on this road to a baby…