Reminder of miracles

Here we are sitting at 30 weeks pregnant. Who would have thought this would be my reality?

I re-read some of my journal entries over our 4 years of trying to become pregnant and here I am with a tiny human growing inside of me.

Such a miracle.

Here are some of my thoughts as I recall begin all over the place with emotions and uncertainty as to what to think, how to show up to my days and constantly being reminded that God is so much bigger than me and my plans.

“My mind is all over the place. The art of capturing thoughts onto paper and making them a part of history. How does one take a snapshot of the thoughts that flow on a regular basis? What does it look like to put everything into words so others can relate? Writing has always been therapeutic for me. It’s a way that I can organize my thoughts and also begin to see situations and emotions for what they really are. By writing what I feel or think, I am able to slow my mind down and discern actions and decipher next steps.

Today my thoughts are all over the place. I can’t decide if this is a time to pull out my journal and do some processing or if this is a good time to type and see if it might help someone else.

I feel as though I have all these thoughts, questions, emotions bottled up and if I were to be smart then I would create them into blog/blog posts and begin gathering followers.

My stomach cramps every once and a while. I also have a slow dull pain every so often as well and I can’t help but wonder if that means my period is around the corner, or if I am in fact pregnant. This time of waiting has felt different. Although we still have 3 more days until we are able to try for a result, I am grateful for the distractions of life. I have chosen to pray and turn my eyes to God every time I begin thinking about pregnancy. I also have only checked Google one time this entire 2 weeks and quickly remembered that Google searching will not answer if I am pregnant and that is essentially why I go online. The only way for me to know if I am is in a few days when I see one or two lines on that darn stick. I am praying that if we are not pregnant that I get my period soon so we can move forward. I don’t want to wait longer than necessary, but what does that really mean? No one wants to wait longer than necessary but isn’t that the point of waiting. To be present in the moment of the intended lesson of what can be learned by waiting.”

– April 24, 2018

I wasn’t pregnant at that time. It was the final straw of our mini-medications before we would decide if we would stop all drugs and go for adoption or pull out the big guns and go for IVF.

Amazing how much changes in a year!

Just sit back and watch.

Now here I am, typing and watching my stomach punch out in different directions. It’s as if Maxee is reminding me as I reflect on where we have been in this journey that miracles do exist, and she is one of them.

Image result for baby kicks

Reaching a New Level

We aren’t messing around anymore.

These past two rounds have been insightful for Dr. G. and he is ready to pull out the big guns.

We begin 10 days of Letrozole, at 10mg/day, the highest dose he will prescribe.

I am actually a little excited at the possibility of what this will produce.

Let’s get these follicles growing!

Each cycle has become such a routine that I have grown accustomed to.

Day one, make an appointment with my OBGYN for an ultrasound.

Head to the local LabCorp and get a blood test to confirm I am not pregnant.

Pop into my OBGYN for the ultrasound, ensuring there is nothing funky growing inside of me from all the hormones and measure the uterine lining.

Check, check.

Day three, begin Letrozol.

Days three through twelve, endure breaking out, early bedtimes, afternoon naps.

Day twelve, follicle check and see what next steps are to be.

Learning how to take care of myself on a new level.

I am going to the gym this time around. I need to. My mind needs the oxygen and release of tension. My muscles need the weight and attention.


At the start of this cycle, I receive news that one of my closest, dearest friends is pregnant. I am overjoyed. My body exudes love and excitement for her.

I have no sorrow. Only joy and praise for the opportunity they have received to raise a little one.

My heart is shifting. I am not looking at myself. I do not have the heavy heart as I have experienced in the past. My excitement and praise for God’s miracle growing inside of her are overflowing.

What is going on? I love that this is how I feel.lightnessofbeing-2015-Dec16-300x189.jpg

I meet the new little baby girl of another friend. I get to hold her and express my excitement and joy for her to my friend.

Am I changing? What is shifting inside of me? Whatever it is, I really like it.

God, thank you for giving me this part of the journey to refine and grow me.

My rough edges are being smoothed and I trust how you are reshaping my heart and mind.

Continue to use this to make me a better person, a more loving friend, and a more faithful, trusting person is who you are and what you’re capable of, God.

I thank you for this heartache and let down as it’s shaping my journey so far.

So excited to see what you’re going to do in and through this!

May I be a vessel or light to reach others. God, use me and my story to help others.

Took 17 years, but I got it!

Well, this is one heck of the way to start 2017!

As I’ve written in the past, my body has not produced a period without the help of hormone medicine. I had my first period when I was in 7th grade (12 years old) and would have occasional periods throughout the year, but nothing regular.

When I entered into high school, my periods went away…. for no reason that I am aware of.

Sure, I was a very active person. I was a gymnast and dancer in middle school while playing soccer. When I entered into high school I began playing volleyball year-around and working out consistently. By college, I was a full-blown exercise bulimic and over-eater which only fueled my need to work out more in order to feel good about myself and my body.

Was this the reason for my lack of a period? Maybe.

At the age of 16, I started on birth control, to give myself a period (as recommended by the doctors). I have not had a period on my own, since.

Until yesterday! December 31, 2016, at the age of 33, I got a period!

Where did this come from? I have no idea!

Over the past 10 1/2 years I have been in recovery from food addiction, which has arrested my over-eating and exercise bulimia, but why get a period now?

In December, I went to Bridgeway Church for a SMASH session, also known as Sozo. My reason for going was not to get my period back, but was to reconnect with God in a way that I felt could only be done with prayer. This was my first time engaging in a Sozo and found it to be very freeing.

One thing we did pray over, was my womb. For the blocks to be removed and the ‘locked door’ to become unlocked.

Was this the reason for me getting my period? Maybe.

From December 24th until today, I have been totally relaxed. I unplugged from technology and work for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and enjoyed a leisure book (Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist), napped and cuddled with my husband.

I became sick with a head-cold that following Tuesday and have been resting, slowing down, and not working out (well, this has been the case for about a month due to an expired gym membership) for the past 5 days.

So maybe I got my period because I slowed down and rested. I’m not sure. But I’m certainly not going to try and figure it out. It’s too much energy attempting to answer questions that may not have answers.

Where my mind does go though, is to what many of my friends have told me about their own experience. I have friends who never got their period, got it once, got pregnant, and never got their period again.

You see where I’m going with this, right?

My mind immediately jumps to… oh my gosh, that’s going to be my story! I am so excited. I have not had my period for over 17 years, and now I got it by God’s amazing gifting, and now I’ll get pregnant this month.

Yes, I have already charted out my monthly schedule on my Kindara phone app and have informed my husband of ‘the plan’…

(SIGH)

How quickly my mind can ‘go there’, forgetting that it was not by my doing that brought me this period… and it won’t be by my doing that will get us pregnant.

I need to remain openhanded and hopeful of what is possible, while accepting Gods plan and perfect.

If we get pregnant off this one period, we will rejoice. If we do not get pregnant off this period, we will rejoice.

Either way we are praying for Gods will and  guidance.

Getting a period after all the medicine I’ve tried that didn’t produce a period shows me this:

I’m not in control and God can do miracles.