Faith

After 10 days of Progesterone and all the lovely side effects of consuming additional hormones (sleepy, moody, acne…), I am left with extra bacteria that I’m now on medication for and no withdraw bleed. I don’t think the bacteria has anything to do with the Progesterone, I just find it interesting to be experiencing so many “female problems” throughout this process. So, I will roll along through the next 3 weeks and try another round of Progesterone in March. How am I feeling? Well, surprisingly peace-filled. I trust the expertise of my endocrinologist and know we have many options out there to try before I can rule anything out. Not to mention our faith is carrying us.

I went in for my scheduled Ultra-Sound and prayed before I entered the hospital. I don’t want to be negative or a ‘Debby-downer’ but it is difficult for m 5876981450_bde15b9aaa_b e to think they will find anything of substance. Last time I was in, they saw cysts in my ovaries and then after a string of medication ruled PCOS out… but I’ll remain with my hands open to receive whatever it is I am to see and know…

My Ultra-Sound tech was great, very supportive, and before I knew it, I could see a bit more of what is going on inside. She did confirm my uterus lining is ultra-thin which typically happens after a period, so with me without a recent period, is taking note. She also was surprised to see a difference in my uterus shape. It’s supposed to look like a triangle with a little hump, mine looks like a partial heart. She called it uterus septum. She’s not too worried since it didn’t look severe, but is checking with my doctor in the office. The kicker is… we counted 14 cysts in one ovary and 15 in the other! Maybe this time around the PCOS diagnosis will be confirmed.

The technician wanted to talk with my doctor before any feedback was provided… but maybe we are getting closer to an actual… why?

I am waiting the call of explanation and next steps. Thankfully my OB-GYN and Endocrinologist know each other and will be talking (fingers-crossed). So in the meantime… I’ll keep praying.
God is good, all the time. I know we are growing in our relationship with the Lord. We pray to him for guidance and feel peace and calm thoughts about what our future holds. I know we will be parents. It may be through adoption, but I know my husband will be an incredible father and I pray I’ll be a loving mom. We desire to have a baby made with our own genes and I feel it’s incredibly possible. So I will continue to sit in this posture of faith and trust, knowing God is with me. He knows the bigger picture and as much as I desire a little one that is the mixture of us, I want to live in Gods will- progressing his kingdom.

How many times do I have to go through my entire health history with another doctor? I attended my annual appointment with my OB-GYN and came to find out that the person I saw the last time… has left. I was re-assigned to another person in the clinic and I could tell I was starting to boil up with frustration; I have been through this before. When I set up the appointment, I also called my General Practitioner (GP) and my Endocrinologist to have them send over my latest labs and exam notes.

When I checked in, I asked if they had all my up-to-date records… they didn’t. I could see where this visit was going and I started praying. “God, help me be patient, loving, tolerant and kind. “ No need to take my frustrations of past experiences out on someone who I didn’t even know.

I was taken back to the exam room and after the routine questions from the nurse; I waited for the assigned PA to enter the room. “God, I am grateful for the story you have given me to live and experience and for how it is continuing to unravel… please be with me now and with the lady you have assigned me to.”

In walks Nancy*. Chipper, comical… lovely. We small chat and then jump into the reason for my visit. She had some of the notes from my last visit, but wanted me to loop her in… so I took a deep breath and began to regurgitate all that I have learned about myself. Feeling as though I’m the expert on my own body… with no answers.

As we talked, I felt a calm come over me though. It’s not her fault she doesn’t know about me and maybe she will have a different perspective on my situation. I shared about my recent re-trial of progesterone and she offered the same thoughts as the other doctor—a lot of “maybes” and “let’s try’s”. She completed the exam and scheduled me for an Ultra Sound in a few weeks to see a few things (no, not a baby) and we concluded.

I know that I could be acting on the mixture of recommendations of herbals, acupuncture, pink drinks, stopping all exercise, gaining weight, medications, infertility specialists… many I have tried. I just know for me, it will be the process of checking each thing off the list (again) will refining what will work with me and my body. I can’t help believe that God is in control of all of this. I know God provides science for us to progress and I will continue to pray. As of now, I feel confident in his leading me to trust him and keep talking about my journey. Using my story to help others, sharing all the things I don’t know. There is a purpose in all of this. I have a purpose in this journey.

What I do know is that God is working. I know that my story is not uncommon and I am not alone in the path to a baby. I do ask a lot of questions I will never know the answers to. How is it that people who don’t want to get pregnant, DO and those who do want to get pregnant, DON’T? It’s baffling to me. If God is all-mighty, all-powerful and all-knowing, how would this disconnect happen?

Why would there be children across the world that needs families. Some of these situations are hard to stomach- like the orphans whose parents died; others are orphans because their parents didn’t want them. How tragic. This life, this human being… with a heart… a brain… a soul… a future. Thankfully there are people who have the desire to adopt. I do believe God redeems and provides and I will continue to put my faith and trust in Him— God who knows all, “there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him.” Hebrews 4:13.

He knows. He sees. I trust. I believe.

*Name changed.