Faith

Back on BC

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

download.jpgTwo weeks ago, I met my OBGYN doctor for the first time. She was absolutely…

Serious.

Not a lot of ‘bedside manner’. She spoke from experience with numerous facts about the successful pregnancies she’s experienced with other patients with PCOS. I immediately felt comfortable with her expertise and assurance that we would most-likely become pregnant.

Before we began talking logistics, I shared with her the results of my husband’s ‘swimmers’. Not only was she impressed with how good they look (nice job Honey), but also that we had this test completed prior to my appointment with her.

Note to others: get hubby checked prior to fertility consult. Hubby wasn’t at all thrilled with the idea of having to provide a sample, but I reminded him of how many times I have to put my feet in those straps to posture vulnerable to doctors and nurses… one sample can’t compare. Looking for a place? He went through Conceptions.

After about 20 minutes of discussing with my new friend the OB Dr., we had a plan.

  • Step 1: I am to start on birth control in order to force my body into having a period.
  • Step 2: On the day of my first true bleed (not just spotting), I am to contact OB Dr. to get a prescription of Clomid.
  • Step 3: On days 3-8 I am to take Clomid.
  • Step 4: On days 10-20ish? I am to pee on Ovulation sticks
  • Goal: To ovulate.

If I don’t ovulate, they will increase the dosage of Clomid for the next month. If I do ovulate, have at it and pray for pregnancy.

With a thin uterine lining, it may be necessary for me to return to those sticky estrogen patches (ick!). She said Clomid thins out the uterine lining even more… so that may be a necessity. Praying for God to do miracles!

We will to this for 6 months, which at that point if not pregnant, she will refer me to a Fertility specialist. Come on God!

One caveat to the Clomid is we must be prepared for the potential of twins (eek! ok I’m actually super excited about that idea). She said it’s about a 10% chance that we would have twins. After a little hesitation, we agreed that two babies is better than none and would gratefully welcome twins into our family.

So back onto birth control I am, with my emotions all over the place, my face breaking out with all sorts of acne, my boobs ever so sore, and what feels like 100lbs of weight gain (only a few pounds) that feels like water weight/bloatedness, ick. Not to mention I am crying A LOT… uncontrollable sobbing, Niagra falls of tears rushing down my face.

Not the most fun past few weeks as it feels like I’m experiencing one BIG cycle to make up for all those I have missed. Yet, I am open to anything and reminding me it’s a temporary discomfort.

This weekend, I went to my nephews 1st birthday party. It was adorable to see all the new babies amidst the older siblings playing in the jumpy-set.

A high school friend was there with her husband and twin 11-week old babies. They were absolutely precious and it was such a gift to talk with them. Their journey to these babies has been long and emotional as well. She too has PCOS and shared some wonderful tidbits of what she learned along the way.

I love how openly people are willing and able to speak about their own journey to growing a family and understand the power in sharing.

My desire is for more people share, to give hope and experience while offering an ear to simply listen. The longing for something in life that cannot be controlled is universal. Desiring to meet your life partner, wanting so badly to grow a family, praying for the health of a loved one… these heart’s desires that can’t be fulfilled by ‘willing’ anything to happen.

It’s the practice of patience, trust, and gratitude for what is here now.

I feel like I’m a broken record in all my writing, in all my thinking. I know in my head what is the ‘right’ posture as I journey through my days, yet I let my negativity and dissatisfaction of aspects of my life shadow the beauty.

Caring too much? Thinking too much? Possibly.

My prayer is that through these next few months… (ok, I’ll start off small)… through this week, I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

(ok, I’ll start off small)… through this week, I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

Pajama Day!

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

41866_CM3When I was growing up, I loved the different dress up days at school. It was an opportunity to have a break from the routine and do something that I wouldn’t typically choose to do for myself.

My favorite was Pajama Day. Although I rarely wore the PJ’s that I really slept in, I remember thinking how fun it would be just to roll out of bed and walk out the door! In reality, I undressed from my sleep shirt and put on my strategically planned PJ outfit that would make others think these were my real PJ’s. They usually had a color-coordinated and matching print top and bottoms with cute slippers to match. I would tease my hair and put it in a ratty pony-tail just to make the outfit complete.

In high school, we would have Pajama Day as one of the dress-up days during Homecoming Week. I spent more time getting ready to put my PJ’s on for the school day than I did my regular outfits, simply because I wanted to look ‘cute’ in my PJ’s. I was extremely concerned about what my peers would think of me.

Today, my Pajama Days look drastically different. I enjoyed one yesterday in fact and am kind-of enjoying it again today. It is 2pm and I have altered my PJ’s only slightly, but for the most part, I have let myself simply be in a relaxed state of decompression.

Yesterday, I rolled out of bed, enjoyed a nice slow morning of reading the Bible while enjoying the smell of my husband’s coffee (I’m not a big coffee drinker, but LOVE the smell wafting through the family room as we snuggle under the blanket). After lunch, we took a nap and it was at 4:30pm that I showered and headed to the grocery store, just to return to put my PJ’s back on for a night of movie watching.

I began asking myself what it is about a day of complete relaxation (in my PJs) that rejuvenates me. Am I so busy during my week that I do not allow for this uninterrupted down-time, to fill my cup and simply be lazy. I have always liked the idea of a sabbath, but never feel like I have the time to create one in my week. As I write that, I have to laugh… I don’t have enough time to slow down and give my time, space and energy to God. From the very first sentences in the Bible it talks about rest (Genesis 2: 2-3)… and I don’t have enough time to have a sabbath? Eek, I think I need to dig a little deeper here.

How is it that I don’t have enough time? When I really get down to it, I see the root of fear of not having enough time… or not trusting that what will get done will get done each week. Wasn’t the sabbath given from God as a gift for us to rest- “so then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God” (Hebrews 4:9).

Here I am trying to build a business (that I feel God has equipped me to create with his help) and I feel like I have so many things to get checked off my list and the very thing that I feel is the most  important in my life (God) is being pushed to the side because I don’t have enough time? I’m off.

So I started today, in my PJ’s.

I had a slow morning with God, and have been pulling scriptures for my coaching packages while listening to my worship music. It’s a start.

I am scared to commit to having a full day of sabbath each week, but I am curious to try it. What would my life look like if I truly disconnected for a day to press into God? I wonder what may change with my approach to coaching, my perspective on my life and how I can help others? May be worth a shot, to let go of my fear of not getting things done and starting to flex that muscle of faith; that when I put God first, he is the one who guides my steps.

Sabbath doesn’t mean that I will sit at home and do absolutely nothing (although that may be nice for a few hours)… but it can mean for me to unplug from my work and enjoy the sunshine, go for a walk, read a leisure book, take a nap, have unscheduled time… let go and let God.

Just One More Thing…

/ Hilary / 3 Comments

Famous last phrase.

I get so wrapped up into my days and wanting to accomplish my to-do list that I find myself saying, “Just one more thing”. Trying to squeeze another thing into my day which only makes my life and me more crazy more unmanageable.

I want to feel accomplished each day and I want to get as much done in order for me to then relax. I laugh as I write that, because how many times have I approached my to-do list with this mindset and then I don’t really get to relax because I don’t have enough time to once my list is completed… Or I don’t get the chance to relax because my list continues to grow as I go throughout my day.

The red flag for me is when I am running errands or working on tasks and it’s time for me to change my focus and I say, “Just one more thing”. Or when I’m driving home and I need to be home to do something and I think I can squeeze in one more stop… “Just one more place”.

Typically, I then feel rushed and my focus turns to completing the task as quickly as possible and this inevitably causes me to feel anxious and impatient with the people I’m around. Either people aren’t working fast enough to check me out in a store, people aren’t driving fast enough, there’s too much traffic and I am irritable at others and then I beat myself up for choosing to do that ‘one more thing’ when I know I fall into this situation each time I give into that darn phrase.

“Just one more thing” equates to “I don’t trust I’ll have time at another time to complete this so I must do it now’… NOT TRUSTING the time God has given me for the tasks I was to complete.

What if I looked at it as though the work and errands I didn’t complete weren’t supposed to get done that day and to ask for another time in the near future to complete them.

Why do I feel as though the plans I make for my day are the best plans and that I need to accomplish them in order to be accomplished? Is it that I find value and worth in what I accomplish?

My prayer is to use the phrase “just one more thing” to be reminded to go to God in faith that what I have done is enough and that I can let go of my to-do list and instead of be in the hubbub of busyness but to rest in the margin of life.

 

More Gadgets to Try

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

IMG_0528Six weeks, that’s what the doctor told me. I was to wait 4-6 weeks to see if my body would kick in on its own to produce a period. I was skeptical since I didn’t really get a period, but I continued to pray, trust and rotate the little sticky patches of estrogen from my lower abdomen every 3-4 days.

I was introduced to an app called Kindara, and although it does track a woman’s cycle off of a period (which doesn’t help me), it also helps plot the month based off body temperature and mucus. I didn’t think I’d be one to try it, but figured ‘why not?’ and ordered my basal thermometer from Amazon. The trick with the temperature is that it’s important to take it first thing in the morning, before moving from the bed. So I began sticking it in my mouth blurry eyed and half asleep when my alarm goes off in the morning.

It’s interesting to learn more about myself as this process continues. I now know that I run a little colder than my husband, typically in the 96 degree range, where he is in the 97. May explain why I carry a jacket with me into restaurants even in the summer or like to drink hot water to warm up :-).

My body temperature has not ‘spiked’ over the past month as it is supposed to when a woman ovulates. So maybe… I don’t ovulate? At this point, I am not drawing any conclusions until I have used this app for at least 3 months.

So I add to my research, plotting and observing, gathering information and praying. The peace I continue to feel is surreal as I know God is in this, just like he is in everything. I know his timing is perfect and his plans for us is exactly what we want.

I did get to see how much stress can play a huge part in my body’s functioning. For 10 days in June, I was intensely studying for  the Certified PersonIMG_0485al Trainer certification through the National Academy for Sports Medicine (NASM). For hours each day, I was learning new concepts and memorizing various facts. Determined to pass the test before our summer trip, my body experienced stress which lead to a change in my bodies behaviors on Kindara. I saw how stress decreased my mucus production, which possibly indicates a change in my cycle. Thankfully I passed and have that behind me while also being more aware of how my body reacts to stress.

Here we sit, officially six weeks past that little blimp of spotting, and I am discouraged as I say nothing has come since. I will continue taking my body temperature at the start of each day, wearing the estrogen patch and will take one more round of progesterone to see how my body reacts.

My doctor believes the next step will be to see an infertility doctor and try Clomid. With the change in my job/insurance, we may have to wait a few months until the dust settles before we go to that next step. Either way, I know everything will happen in the way and timing it is supposed to.

So for today, I celebrate what I do have to enjoy, and embrace each moment of this life!

Patches

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

“Yes, you have multiple follicles within each ovary which is indicative of PCOS. Interesting given your normal androgens.” The opening line to my most recent email from my Endocrinologist. Back to PCOS. Going to doctors to look for answers is so much larger for me than wanting to become pregnant. I desire a healthy body that functions as it is supposed to. The chronic fatigue, acne, facial hair, low hormone levels (sex drive). Are they all linked? All the research points to it, yes. Does this give me hope that I can actually be ‘normal’? What does that even mean? Could I actually make it through a day without taking a nap? (Although I really do love my naps :-).)

To what lengths am I being asked to go on this journey for a healthy, working body? Maybe I am as healthy as my body can be; maybe it just looks different on me than it does other women? I can’t help but think these symptoms I spoke of, could possible go away with the right mix of treatment.

Her first option was for me to decide between another round of progesterone or to try either Metformin or Clomid. Both which I have tried, but again, I stay open to all ideas as I know our bodies change and mine certainly has since getting married. I find it fascinating. She also noted my endometrial layer lining being very thin. With this information she wants to put me on the Estrogen patch for the next 2 months and then progesterone for 10 days to see if I get a period. My first thought was, ‘great! Let’s do it!’ And then I began quoting Troop Beverly Hills “Patches, we don’t need no stinking patches!” (I digress). And then the flashbacks began accompanied by nervous thoughts.

My fears crept up from my stomach and overtook my heart as it began pounding more rapidly and I had a momentary shortness of breath.

Estrogen patches.

The last time I saw these was on my mother. The relationship I had growing up with my mom was pretty typical as she taught me how to grow into womanhood and run a household. There were times when we butt heads as she ran the coop and I wanted to, overall I respected her and desired a closer ‘adult’ relationship. She had a hysterectomy in 2006 and began her hormone supplement treatments. All was fine and well until doctors diagnosed her with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) in 2008 and added the necessary medication to her daily routine.  The side effects were less than desirable and doctors changed the type of estrogen patch. One year later, when I was living back at home (age 26), she found a lump and was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

Our eyes flowed with tears as she met with doctors and surgeons, getting options and hearing options. My dad was the rock we needed as we prepared for her double-mastectomy. My relationship with my mother changed.nurse holding tray with medicine She needed me the way I had known to need her. She taught me how to love her well as I took care of her and nursed her back to health.

Some of the sweetest moments with her came out of those months of recovery. She allowed herself to be vulnerable with me and I learned how to be next to her through the discomfort and pain. I made meals, drove her to appointments, helped her bath and dressed her. Our relationship shifted and I began to love her in a new way, as a friend. Those patches created an opportunity for our relationship to be ‘patched’.

As she healed from the wounds and her strength increased, I was confident in her recovery. She began taking the prescribed Tamoxifen to be taken for the following five years. I’m happy to say, today she is cancer free, but the link between the estrogen medication change and her breast cancer is hard for me to overlook.

The questions rattle around in my head. Am I susceptible to it if my mom was? Is another option aside from the patches?

After checking with my doctor with my history, she is confident the Estrogen patches will be giving me the dose my body would normally create, so as to not create an imbalance. And so I place the first patch on my skin with a prayer for Gods protection. My heart is calm, I feel at peace with what each day seems to bring as I walk along this season and continue to pray for guidance, encouragement and assurance that I am right where I am supposed to be. If I’m not, God please move me.

The Estrogen patch can be one of hope and rejuvenation as I thumb through the thoughts of that summer with my mom. Our refreshed mother-daughter relationship is intertwined with a unique level of love, compassion, vulnerability and respect which only came through the summer season of surgery and scars.two-women-hugging-forgiveness1

What I know to be true through this reflection is that God works together all things for good and he makes all things new. He is a God of mercy, compassion, transformation and restoration. May this be a season of rebirth interlaced with faith and trust.