And the Dr. Says…

April 9, 2018April 9, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

Unfortunate timing as our doctor was out of the office for a week after our lab-work and then booked the following.

…. so after a much-anticipated wait (haven’t I heard somewhere that patience is a virtue?), we have had our follow-up appointment with Dr. G. to find out more about our lab results and hear what he thinks our next steps are for treatment.

No surprise, Hubby’s swimmers look great and the anti-sperm antibodies are negative. No issues on his end and I’m extremely grateful for that.

As for me, here’s the list I can recall-

THS- normal
Uterus- normal
Egg quality/ quantity- normal
FSH- normal
LH- REALLY HIGH
Estrogen- normal

DRUM ROLL….

Conclusion: NOT hypothalamic amenorrhea CB064019 and NOT PCOS (although some of the symptoms and criteria fit with PCOS such as high LH, my testosterone levels are not elevated).

Is this good news?

For the most part, it is. Grateful not to have either of the two but where does that leave me? Somewhere in the middle, Dr. G says.

Diagnosis: Anovulation, not otherwise specified

Treatment: Get me to ovulate!

Dr. G. pretty much nailed my concern. Regardless of what we call my ‘condition’, the bottom line is we just need to get me to ovulate and Dr. G feels all the rest will come together.

He’s positive because I should respond to the medication because I don’t have hypothalamic amenorrhea and because I responded to the Clomid over the past several months.

I’m feeling pretty good about all this news. There isn’t anything major going ‘wrong’ in me, it’s just a matter of helping my bodywork.

What about the Heart shaped uterus?

Dr. G isn’t concerned. Wait, what? That’s great news.

Although on the HSG it looked like a septum, the 3D ultrasound, which is much more accurate, shows a mild arch and nothing needs to be removed)

No surgery necessary!

Wahoo! Grateful, grateful, grateful.

Treatment-

Begin on Letrozole. This will be used to make more FSH (to increase eggs)
Start with the midway dose which will mean I will take it for 7 days
Look at follicles and lining and then trigger
timed intercourse (IUI won’t be necessary at this point, Hubby’s happy)
Test for progesterone levels (add suppository if necessary)
Add estrogen towards the end of cycle, if needed to thicken the lining

Dr. G wants to do this with 3 successful ovulatory cycles. If we are not pregnant, he will then up the dose and add IUI.

Breath of fresh air… this is good news!

It’s All About the Trust

February 20, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

It’s here, finally! I have been looking forward this day (and a little worried I would start my period before this day arrived). The build-up of this day has gotten to be too great. I am enjoying being in this space of hopeful anticipation because it means there is still a possibility I am pregnant. By now, the HCG from the trigger shot should be out of my system and I am two days past the day I would start my next cycle (if I was in a normal rhythm). I have not gotten my period yet so there is a chance that when I look at the pregnancy test, I will have two lines staring back at me. If not, then I will have to accept that this is not our time and wait for next steps.

Here I go…. wish me luck!

After waiting 3 minutes, the test came back with only one line on the strip. Bummer! I even wait a couple more minutes and then checked again, still not pregnant.

My heart just sank. I was really hoping this would be the one and although am not as let down as I have been in the past, still have a sadness that I can only chalk up to be a normal reaction to an anticipated outcome.

We will not do another round of Clomid at this time. I need a break from all the hormones and we need to take my OBGYN’s recommendation to visit with a fertility specialist as being our next guided step.

The consult is in just over two weeks and I have been putting off the completion of the paperwork in hopes of a positive pregnancy test.

I begin the paperwork and have Hubby fill out his portion.

As I complete the answers, I see how incredibly healthy I am. No smoking, drinking, caffeine, drugs, mental or health history that would prevent pregnancy. From all aspects, I appear to be a healthy candidate for a successful pregnancy. I am hopeful of what these specialists might find inside of me that would be preventing pregnancy.

At this point, I really don’t care how bad the ‘thing’ is that I have going on in me, I just want to know so there can be an answer for all these empty attempts.

Maybe I won’t ever have an answer. I need to be ok with this reality too.

My goal before the consult is to get back into a healthy routine for my body. Getting lots of rest, working out consistently and continuing to eat healthily. This is what I can control.

So for the next few weeks, I will rest and take care of myself. Get into a workout routine that supports my mental health and take action on the things I can do for my body.

I will take my much-desired naps and spend time with God. I do trust him. I trust in the wait and know it will all make sense when I look back on it. I don’t know what is ahead of me in the next year of life. God does. I know that rejection is God’s protection. He knows what he’s doing and I get to sit back and trust it all will come together as it is supposed to.

Until then, I get to enjoy the life I have today. All the wonderful riches of this day. Thank you God!

Patience in the Wait

February 16, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

Today is 15 days after my projected Ovulation day. Typically, women begin their period 14 days after Ovulation, that is what is called the Luteal phase of a cycle. I am trying not to get my hopes up that this means I’m pregnant, but time seems to have slowed down as we wait a few more days before testing for pregnancy. I don’t want to have another false positive and feel the hopeful anticipation boiling up inside of me.

I am praying that I don’t get a period and am scared to see my hopes crushed. I don’t want to have that deflating feeling again. At least at this moment in my life, there is a possibility that we are pregnant. As soon as I see signs of a period, that hope for this round goes away. I won’t want to lose hope.

Trying not to analyze every feeling I am having in my body as being an early sign of pregnancy. I’m more tired, my boobs are sore, I have a bit of back pain… could go either way.

God help me trust you. If I do get my period, it doesn’t mean that the possibilities to become pregnant or have a baby or grow a family goes away. It means you have a better timeframe than I do and I can’t do anything about it but accept it and trust you.

The fear of letting go of my timeframe is that I don’t know what it will look like. The unknown can be uncomfortable because I don’t know how to prepare for it. Controlling the schedule and the process gives me a false sense of assurance that I will be ok and that I will know how to handle the situations when they come.

I am scared of being caught off guard and having things happen that hurt the very depths of my being. One of my greatest fears that I try to protect myself against is the gut-wrenching anguish and sorrow of loss and depression. How do I balance having hope without getting too vulnerable to the trials in life? Is it an option to live this life and experience all the joys and highs without also feeling the sorrows and lows? I don’t want to numb myself out of the world completely, I just want to protect myself from being hurt.

I could stop trying for a baby, but that would be me walking away from a desire I have deep in my heart. I have to throw my hat in the ring in order to have a shot at the prize. It’s just so scary to show up to life when the elements of the day can be so unknown. God help protect me from the things I cannot see or do not know.

Keeping Expectations Low to Protect My Heart

January 25, 2018November 13, 2017 / Hilary / 2 Comments

Those darn smiley faces just don’t want to show up this week. I am beginning to question if my body has the ability to produce the right hormones to get pregnant. I’m beginning to question a lot about my body and the “ifs” of this process.

Today will be my first ultrasound to see what the Clomid was able to produce.

Sadly, I’m not feeling too hopeful about this round. Especially now as I don’t have any sign of an increase in the HCG hormone. What if there aren’t any viable follicles? I still feel pretty defeated by the news from my doctor that she may not be able to help much longer.

I don’t want to have to do more fertility… spend more money. Why doesn’t this come naturally? I’m feeling bad about my reality and wishing this isn’t my story.

What did I do to my body that made me this way?

I also feel pretty bad for my hubby. He desires a baby too and I feel I’m the problem that’s preventing us from getting pregnant.

As we look to fertility clinics, the question is, how much do we want to spend on trying to have our own biological baby? At what point, will we decide it’s just too much money for the gamble? I wish fertility treatments weren’t so expensive. For something that happens to people at no cost at all, it makes me upset that it is so expensive.

I really don’t want money to be the main concern I have for bringing a baby into this world, but does it really have to be this hard? Is it supposed to be this hard? Or am I forcing something to happen that is not supposed to?

Is this God’s way of saying that I’m not supposed to have my own babies? Or maybe He’s wanting me to stop all this fertility ‘assistance’ and let him work in my life to give us a true miracle.

Either way, this is my last round of Clomid. I need to put this down for a while until my heart is in a better place.

I am still going to go through the emotions of this week… with a very low expectant heart. It’s hard to accept Gods plan when it’s different than what I thought it would be.

My defensive wall builds up in these moments. I begin to ask myself, do I really want to have a baby right now though? I am loving my quiet mornings, space I get to write and be with my thoughts for extended periods of time. How I get to spend time and attention on my marriage and growing in my relationship with Hubby. Having a baby would disrupt my world, am I ready for that? Do I want that? I know I do want a family and want to raise little humans. So how can I be hopeful that it will happen, and accepting that it’s not my present reality? That my life is pretty darn good without a baby and having a baby won’t make my life more amazing (well, maybe it will), it will just make my life experiences different than they are right now.

Oh to let go and just trust.

I take a deep breath and just soak in the space of where I am right now. Acceptance is always the key… so how can I be focused on what I am grateful for, in this moment? If I truly believe in God’s amazing plan, I can take my hands off this wheel and just sit back and enjoy the ride.

God will take me to where I am to go in this world.

Double the Dose

December 21, 2017 / Hilary / 2 Comments

Doubling the dose of estrogen is leaving me feeling bloated and blah. Not very attractive to say the least and I just have to keep remembering… “this feeling is not going to last forever.”

It’s day 13 of my cycle and I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to feel. I’ve been on double the dose of estrogen for 3 days and am praying my lining is getting thicker. We will find out at the next ultrasound how my body is reacting.

I want to be excited and hopeful of what is possible and yet I also am even more hesitant to believe we will become pregnant after two cycles of feeling let down.

The beauty in the journey thus far is how much I have learned through each cycle… about myself and the power of surrender.

Four cycles ago, I was plotting and planning and trying to control when and how everything would come together and today I feel like we will just give it a try and see what happens.

Tomorrow I will go in for an ultrasound to see what is going on and what’s been growing. I’m a little nervous. I’d love to see more than one follicle this time (last time there was only one but the time before there were two). I need to lower my expectations and be happy with whatever is going on in there.

As I think about the appointment, I lay my hands on my belly and pray for healthy growth and positive hormone progression. I pray for God to bless this week and for acceptance of his will in our lives this week.

My prayer is that this week will not become too clinical between Hubby and myself. That we may continue to enjoy each other and have fun with this process.

In some ways, I’m not looking forward to this week because of the build-up it caused that last time around. The obsessive thoughts after I ovulated and the two weeks of unknown mixed with anticipation.

All I can focus on is today and not worry about tomorrow or next week. Staying present in the day and remaining hopeful of what miracles are possible.