Emotional rollercoaster

January 9, 2018 / Hilary / 2 Comments

We didn’t even have to debate how long we should wait until we take a pregnancy test. I woke up today with an achy back and knew that something was going to happen and sure enough it did! I got a period.

What a mixture of emotions. I’m not really sure how to think or feel at the moment.

I was really thinking that we were pregnant this time around and what is frustrating is we are doing EVERYTHING we are supposed to be doing to make it work and it’s not working.

What are we doing wrong or what is wrong with my body that the egg (if there is one inside these follicles we are seeing) is not meeting up with the sperm (which have said to be strong) and then implanting in the uterine lining (that I’m wearing estrogen patches for to build the thickness).

What are we missing? Why haven’t we become pregnant and how much longer do we have to go through these ups and downs.

I’m starting to question how many rounds of fertility my mind and heart can take.

Getting so hopeful and being positive for what could be this time around is helpful, but tiring. I’m tired of the letdown and the emotions that come with knowing that there is not a baby forming this month.

And there may not ever be. We won’t know that until we walk this path for a while.

I am super excited to have a period, don’t miss that. This means I don’t have to go through 10 days of Provera (progesterone) to force a period. My body is actually reacting normally right now which is positive.

Might this be the month then, if I’m reacting normally and we are on a higher dose of Clomid?

We visit the doctor this week to get checked out and decide our course of action.

Am I ready (mentally) to do another round? God, do you want us to keep trying with all the doctor interventions?

Sometimes I question if we are supposed to simply let go altogether of the medications and the doctor’s appointments and let God work his miracles completely on his own… I mean, he is powerful enough, right?

Back on BC

May 19, 2017 / Hilary / Leave a comment

Two weeks ago, I met my OBGYN doctor for the first time. She was absolutely…

Serious.

Not a lot of ‘bedside manner’. She spoke from experience with numerous facts about the successful pregnancies she’s experienced with other patients with PCOS. I immediately felt comfortable with her expertise and assurance that we would most-likely become pregnant.

Before we began talking logistics, I shared with her the results of my husband’s ‘swimmers’. Not only was she impressed with how good they look (nice job Honey), but also that we had this test completed prior to my appointment with her.

Note to others: get hubby checked prior to fertility consult. Hubby wasn’t at all thrilled with the idea of having to provide a sample, but I reminded him of how many times I have to put my feet in those straps to posture vulnerable to doctors and nurses… one sample can’t compare. Looking for a place? He went through Conceptions.

After about 20 minutes of discussing with my new friend the OB Dr., we had a plan.

Step 1: I am to start on birth control in order to force my body into having a period.
Step 2: On the day of my first true bleed (not just spotting), I am to contact OB Dr. to get a prescription of Clomid.
Step 3: On days 3-8 I am to take Clomid.
Step 4: On days 10-20ish? I am to pee on Ovulation sticks
Goal: To ovulate.

If I don’t ovulate, they will increase the dosage of Clomid for the next month. If I do ovulate, have at it and pray for pregnancy.

With a thin uterine lining, it may be necessary for me to return to those sticky estrogen patches (ick!). She said Clomid thins out the uterine lining even more… so that may be a necessity. Praying for God to do miracles!

We will to this for 6 months, which at that point if not pregnant, she will refer me to a Fertility specialist. Come on God!

One caveat to the Clomid is we must be prepared for the potential of twins (eek! ok I’m actually super excited about that idea). She said it’s about a 10% chance that we would have twins. After a little hesitation, we agreed that two babies is better than none and would gratefully welcome twins into our family.

So back onto birth control I am, with my emotions all over the place, my face breaking out with all sorts of acne, my boobs ever so sore, and what feels like 100lbs of weight gain (only a few pounds) that feels like water weight/bloatedness, ick. Not to mention I am crying A LOT… uncontrollable sobbing, Niagra falls of tears rushing down my face.

Not the most fun past few weeks as it feels like I’m experiencing one BIG cycle to make up for all those I have missed. Yet, I am open to anything and reminding me it’s a temporary discomfort.

This weekend, I went to my nephews 1st birthday party. It was adorable to see all the new babies amidst the older siblings playing in the jumpy-set.

A high school friend was there with her husband and twin 11-week old babies. They were absolutely precious and it was such a gift to talk with them. Their journey to these babies has been long and emotional as well. She too has PCOS and shared some wonderful tidbits of what she learned along the way.

I love how openly people are willing and able to speak about their own journey to growing a family and understand the power in sharing.

My desire is for more people share, to give hope and experience while offering an ear to simply listen. The longing for something in life that cannot be controlled is universal. Desiring to meet your life partner, wanting so badly to grow a family, praying for the health of a loved one… these heart’s desires that can’t be fulfilled by ‘willing’ anything to happen.

It’s the practice of patience, trust, and gratitude for what is here now.

I feel like I’m a broken record in all my writing, in all my thinking. I know in my head what is the ‘right’ posture as I journey through my days, yet I let my negativity and dissatisfaction of aspects of my life shadow the beauty.

Caring too much? Thinking too much? Possibly.

My prayer is that through these next few months… (ok, I’ll start off small)… through this week, I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

(ok, I’ll start off small)… through this week, I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

Growing in Discomfort

April 8, 2016 / Hilary / 2 Comments

For the past month, I have stuck a little plastic-like film to my lower stomach. Replacing the sticker-like patch every 3-4 days, leaving an outline from the clothes fibers that accumulate around the border. I wash my skin of the residue and do my best to scrape the fibers from my delicate skin.

It has been one month of Estrogen seeping into my body and I am not in love with the side effects. Unfortunately, they hit me where I am the weakest and most intolerable. The acne breakouts continue and my mood swings happen, but it’s the gaining of weight that is the most uncomfortable. Although most people may not be able to tell, I can feel it in my skin. It’s as though I have been injected with water solution and my skin grows tighter, resisting expansion. My legs, back-side and stomach have an extra layer that feels unshapely and bloated. The majority of my pants do not fit and the ones that do, are tight and rub up against my body, reminding me of the lack of space between skin and cloth.

I am grateful that I know this is just water weight. I know this because of how healthy I eat and how regularly I work out. I know this because of how much water I drink and how little I am going to the restroom. It feels as though the majority of liquid that I consume is filling my body like a retention pool, growing more bloated by the day.

The weakness of weight stems from my younger years and my personal journey and struggles to which emotions which seem like old acquaintances being resurrected after laying dormant for many years. It’s as if my nerves are exposed, sensitive to rubbing and irritation.

It’s not about what other people see, it’s about how I feel and what I think. Feelings are not facts. So although I feel fat or feel gross, the fact is my body is receiving extra hormones to help me become more healthy. This is a good thing. My temporary discomfort can lead to a lifetime of health and may even lead to a life changing opportunity to bare a child. It’s this temporary discomfort worth the long-term possibility? I would say so. Now, I must practice getting comfortable, being uncomfortable.

Key word for me to remember is temporary. I will not be on these patches forever and I can go off them anytime, this is a choice I am making. What’s hard for me though, is I wish I didn’t have to make this choice in the first place. I wish I could just be normal, like other women who just get pregnant and have regular monthly cycles. Why do I have to go through this? It doesn’t seem fair and I am pouting. Not only am I not ‘normal’ with my female ‘stuff’, but I have to take extra medication that causes side-effects that make me uncomfortable which stirs up emotions and negative thoughts…

Where does this leave me? I didn’t have the option to choose how my body is formed or how it works. I don’t have control over that. What can I control? I can choose the mindset I want to have around this situation.

A) I can stay in the yuck and blame and frustration, continuing to throw myself a pity-party, which essentially leads to fear of me not getting what I want, how I want it or when I want it.

B) I can be grateful, faithful and trusting in God and the path that I am walking down.

When I choose the former, I stay stuck and bitterness and resentment forms. When I choose the latter, I am able to list a whole gamete of things I am grateful for which slowly changes my perspective and softens my irritation for my weight and discomfort. As I list the things I am grateful for, I can use these truths to combat my negative thoughts. When a statement disrupts my thoughts, tempting me to go down the rabbit-trail of sorrow and dissatisfaction, I insert a gratitude nugget and my shoulders relax and I’m able to take a deep breath (breath in faith, breath out fear).

I recently watched the video below on the topic of fear and faith and wrote about it in my other blog. You can read more about it here.

These feelings I’m experiencing are not going to hurt me and I can see this as an opportunity to learn and grow within myself and my faith. Choosing to be on the patch to see what happens in the near future is worth the temporary ‘yuckiness’ as I feel I am walking in step with my next action. God is good, he is guiding us and he is here with me, next to me, as I sit in this season of discomfort. He is always with me and it is in my weakness that he is strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-11). I get to be with him to sit and watch how this story plays out. I just get to show up each day and do my best with what I have in front of me to do. Today, it’s about turning to gratitude.