Hopes for Blueberry

I’m not surprised that each morning for the past 3 days I have stared into that Ovulation test predictor stick without emotion. I have become numb to the “O” glaring back at me. No smiley face, not even a tinge of a possibility that my body is showing any trace of LH hormones. What used to be a frustrating symbol has now become a part of my morning routine. I don’t let it phase me.

Today is the (hopefully) final ultrasound before we are triggered to force ovulation. I am praying for a large enough follicle and although I answer Hubby with 19 when he asks how big I think they are, my heart wants it to be 20+.

We check in to the CCRM ultrasound counter and have a seat to wait for our name to be called. The sunshine warms my back. I feel at ease.

Leaning over to Hubby to share how great it would be if the ultrasound tech from my OBGYN was there today (she’s been doing all my ultrasounds since this first began), I realize I am scared.

What if there aren’t any follicles large enough? Will this tech know what to look for since I tend to have weird little follicles in random places?

Before I can acknowledge my emotions, the door opens. It’s Erica! The tech from my OBGYN office. She works at CCRM once a month, and today is her day.



I feel instant relief and a little emotion well in my eyes as she greets us. I want to hug her.

She welcomes us back and sets us up.

I feel as though I am in good hands now.

She inserts the wand and sure enough, h there are three follicles and one is 22mm!!

Wahoo! Thank you God!

We are ready to move forward with the HCG trigger shot.

Dr. G wants us to change our schedule slightly to help enhance the possibilities of pregnancy and also prescribes a tiny blue tablet (suppository) full of estrogen to help make a cushy lining for our hopeful little one to nestle into. I have to use this for the next 2 weeks and he says it can be a bit messy, blue messy in fact.

At this point, why not? I’ll add it to the list of experiences.


It reminds me of a blueberry and actually began joking about it being just that.Blueberries are to help in pregnancy so why not let this be another opportunity to believe that good will come.

Hubby and I time out the shot correlated with the new schedule. This will require me to wake up at midnight tonight to give myself the shot in order for everything to fall into line after that.

The things I do for this soon-to-be, hopefully-will-be baby.

Let the next two weeks begin today!

Nightly, I administer the blueberry tablet and let it do its thing while I sleep.

I find myself excited and hopeful of what these few slight changes might bring us. We actually could become pregnant.

Hubby reminds me not to be too excited and that we can be hopeful but to keep our expectations low.

I know he’s right.

Living for today and doing all we can do.

I change my schedule for the next two weeks. Creating more downtime, taking things off my to-do list so that I can just relax and not bring too much stress to my body.

God, I trust you… this is all I can say. Over and over.


Act of Surrender

The emotions from 2 weeks ago have subsided and I am into the routine of the new cycle. Dr. G did put me on Letrozole and I experience the same side effects.

Painful acne on my face and neck with my sleepy eyes starting around 8pm each night.

I elected not to work out too much these past two weeks, hoping my body would focus fully on growing follicles.

This isn’t a medical approach, more just how I was feeling I could take care of myself.

Calm walks in the sunshine have been a delight.

The nurse did say to cut down on the crunching and twisting of my waist to allow for the follicles to have a calm, unagitated place for growth.

After 7 days of medication, I went in for a follicle check.

It’s working!

Three follicles in my left ovary, yippee!!

Measuring 13, 14, 15mm. That’s great for day 11 of my cycle.

My lining is the normal thickness too, praise God!

Dr. G is happy with the numbers and wants me to go in for another ultrasound in 2 days.

Skeptical of his approach, I obey. He is the doctor after all. In my mind, I would think he’d want me on the medication until those suckers are nice a large, but who am I to say this?

Day 13 Ultrasound. Let down.

Three follicles continue to exist and are slowly getting larger, but not at the rate they need to be.

Measuring 14, 16, 16mm. Not as great of news as I wanted to receive.

“I told you so” rolls around in my head as I think back to how I ‘could’ have been on medication these past 2 days to help them grow, but NO… the doctor didn’t see it that way.

That’s ok. I’m ok. I trust Dr. G and his expertise in this area.

Sometimes I wonder though…

  • Am I just another number to him?
  • Does he not care that we are paying out of pocket for all these tests and medications?
  • Does he not care that we are creeping towards 40 and would love to have a family in the near future?

I know he does care, otherwise, he wouldn’t be doing what he’s doing.

Sometimes I just wonder if my needs and wants aren’t as important to him and how he approaches the medicated cycles.

Who am I to say though?

He works with hundreds of patients and has for years.

I can trust that he knows what he’s doing. Bigger than that. I trust in an All-Mighty God who is powerful and righteous. I know God is using Dr. G to help me.

He puts me on 2 more days of Letrozole and wants us to come in for a 3rd ultrasound in 3 days.

I go skipping to the pharmacy, hoping this will be the medication needed to help these little ones grow and ‘ripen’.

I can’t help but be hopeful for this cycle and what’s going on inside my body.

I place my hands on my stomach and begin to pray.download.jpg

With all this medicine, I still am reminded that it’s by God’s miracle that we will become pregnant. I truly believe God is using Dr. G and this medication to work in my body and pray that his healing hand will be in me as we go into this weekend and to the next visit.

I pray that my womb may become open and able and ready to receive a baby.

One that will grow healthy and strong.

I pray for the peace of mind and a relaxed spirit as I lean into God and trust that He is all powerful and all knowing.

God, in your perfect timing and by your perfect creation.

I surrender to you God.

Your will be done.

Shades of Pink

I am so sad. My tears won’t stop flowing and I can’t tell which emotions are causing which tears.

Yesterday afternoon, I began to feel a little ‘sensation’ down there and I thought it was strange. When I checked, there were clear, pink and brown colors on the tissue and then came a little bit of cramping. What is this?

Am I getting my period? I am so confused.

Five days ago, my progesterone levels were checked, all good!

Praise God, no need for medication this week.

Dr. said we should test in 7 days.

Roger that!

I have been gaining a couple of pounds (intentionally) to try and encourage healthy growth of this little bean and also not hitting the gym as I usually do.

By nightfall, I have felt sluggish and exhausted as though the minute I closed my eyes, I would fall into a deep slumber.

My body was roasting at night and I would kick off covers. There were a few nights of restless sleep.

Strange for me. I am notorious for my deep, long sleeping patterns. In fact, most people are envious of my ability to sleep anytime, anywhere.

What’s up?

Am I pregnant?

That would explain a lot of this.

The LONG dreaded wait of 2 weeks between ovulation and HCG surge indicating the potential pregnancy.

I won’t be making the same mistake as a few cycles back where we tested too early and the pregnancy tests picked up the remanences of the HCG trigger shot.

Seven days it is… we wait.

Here we are, back at 2 days before we are supposed to test and I am Google searching implantation bleeding… is this it?


It’s described as 10-12 days after ovulation (today is day 13) and masks itself like a period with bleeding and cramping.

I actually might be pregnant.


I take a cheapo pregnancy test.

One line.


But you know what, this might just be too early to tell. It takes a few days for the hormone levels to rise after implantation so if this is actually implantation bleeding, it wouldn’t show up on a test.

There’s still a chance?!

Ok, don’t get your hopes up. Stay calm and patient as you wait 2 more days… then you’ll know for sure.

I woke up this morning and I continue to bleed.

My cramping is worst than yesterday and I begin to think this might be a period instead.

I do the math… today is 34 days since I began taking the Letrozole so even though I had a late ovulation, this would be in line with an elongated period cycle.

It actually just might be a period.

I am torn.

What do I believe?

Is this a period or is it implantation bleeding?

Why can’t someone give me an answer?

I must wait until tomorrow to take the test.

Dr G said to call with results and he would guide from there.

I don’t want to have to go through another round of tests and ultrasounds and medication that makes my face hurt with acne.

Oh my I feel overwhelmed with emotion.

No wonder I’m crying.

I return home from being out and get the news that some of our closest friends are pregnant.

I am thrilled for them, really.

But inside, I don’t know how to handle this. Emotions are swarming. My chest is tight.

I call to congratulate and feel the tears welling.

I quickly say my good-byes.

Why God?

This isn’t fair.


I am sorry, I feel like I have been patient and open to trusting your timing and this process. But I don’t get it?

Why can some people get pregnant after a few months and then there are people like me? Years.


What did I do to deserve this? Am I really that ‘bad’ of a person?

 What is wrong with me and what can I do to fix myself to be able to get pregnant?

The questions swarm my head like an agitated beehive.

I close my eyes to calm my thoughts. I breathe in, hold, and breathe out.

I know that I really didn’t DO anything wrong, but man it feels like I did.


It hurts to even think about the idea of needing to accept that we might not have our own biological children.

I’m not ready for that.

But how many more rounds of this am I able to tolerate?

God, I need you so much right now.

When there are no answers, I yearn for your loving support and assurance.


(Hilary, you’ll be okay, I have you, I know what’s best for you and I know what lies ahead. I know this is hard, I know this doesn’t make sense to you, but I know what I’m doing, do you trust me?)

Yes, I do. I trust and I have faith and I do believe that if I continue doing what’s placed in front of me then I will be on a good path in life.

Taking one step at a time.

For today, I sit here in this space of unknown.

Not overlooking the fact that if this is a period, it came on its own!

Need I remind myself that less than a year ago, I was having to take medication to force a period to occur in order to even start a new round of trying.

Today, if it is a period, I can be grateful that it happened naturally.

Truth is, I don’t know if I’m not pregnant.

I still might be, possibly.

Then I’d really feel like a doof feeling all this emotion and animosity towards God for no reason.

I just have to wait until tomorrow and see what is revealed.

Tomorrow has come and it is now today.

I don’t have a good feeling about the test.

One line.

Not pregnant.

The reality is confirmed.

I cry and feel down. I take a nap.

I wake up. Shower. Make some connections with dear friends and continue to feel my feelings.

I am sad.

I really don’t want to go through another round of this, but I will.

I have to.

It’s the only way right now.

I call my Dr.

He wants me to do a pregnancy test through a blood draw and complete an ultrasound in order to clear me for the next round of Letrozole.

This will start tomorrow.

7 days of Letrozole at 7.5mg… upping the dose a bit.

My weight is slightly up from normal and I am hoping this will help cultivate a good nesting environment this time around.

I take a walk in the sunshine. Soak in the warmth and feel Gods presence.

I am not alone.

The feelings are there and I am grateful that I can feel today.

Grateful I have a period to start a new cycle and grateful that I have the sunshine on my face.

I am alive and this brings new hope.

Showing up is all we can do.

One remains…

I thought this cycle was a bust a few days ago and I felt it in my heart. Disappointment.

Here I sit with one wonderful, large follicle and Dr. G is happy.

He sends me home with an HCG trigger shot to give myself in 2 days.

This time it’s a shot in my stomach and I can give it to myself– Hubby is off the hook.

We also get clear instructions on when we are to be together.

These instructions are different than what our OBGYN said so I’m a bit confused and my brain gets activated.

Wait a second?

My OBGYN said to be together every other day leading up to the day of Ovulation and then once the smiley is solid then be together that day and one more day following…

This time I’m hearing NOT to be together until 2 days after the shot and then again the following.

Which one is right?

I don’t know. As much as I want to Google search all the different ways that are recommended.

I surrender.

I don’t know what’s best and we are paying the CCRM clinic a lot of money for their expertise on this so I decided to let go of all the ‘figuring it out’ and just follow along with what they said.

I’m a bit scared. I am grateful for the opportunity to have another chance at having our own biological child and am praying I can relax into these next few days.

Two days ago, I gave myself the trigger shot. It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought. Just grabbed a bit of skin and stuck it in there.

Here we are- the two days Dr. G said to enjoy and I’m scared.

What if this doesn’t work?

What if we have to go through another round of all these tests and medications?

My face hurt with acne from the large dose this time around and I don’t want to go through it again… God, please work in us in these next 2 days. I am praying for a miracle and for the opportunity to be pregnant and give birth and have stretch marks

(Do I even know what I’m asking for right now?)

I know I will be ok if this is not Gods will and not the right timing for us to become parents, but at the same time, I do pray that we are able to and that my body responds and Hubby’s swimmers are strong and ready and that it all comes together.

I have a painful/weird feeling in my right ovary area this morning along with a weird sensation and my body feels ‘off’.

I take it as a sign that I’m ovulating.

Our time together hurts a bit but I keep focusing on what this could mean for us and pray that this is the beginning of our growing family.


God, your will be done. May we receive whatever it is you have for us knowing your desires are good.


We’ve shown up and done what we can and again we wait. We’ve been here before.

What’s new is this time we will go in for a progesterone level test in a week to make sure my levels are where they are supposed to be to welcome the beginning stages of our baby.

God, we surrender.

Game On!

How much did the 3 additional days of medication help?

Drum roll…

Not much.

My heart sank (again) as I looked at the ultrasound.

I don’t mean to get my hopes up with all of this but they do. It just happens that I get swept up in the possibilities.

I will be honest; I go back and forth about being a mom right now. I know I would LOVE to have a family and grow these little humans, but man it’s a lot of work and sacrifice.

There is some part of me that is thinking this LONG process towards becoming pregnant is preparing my heart because, with each let down, I grow even more intensely desiring of a healthy baby.

Could it be that this road of heartache is exactly what I need to prepare to really want a baby, bad enough to be ok with my life changing?

What am I say? I really don’t know what my life will be like once we have kids. I tend to superimpose myself into other people’s realities. Observing what other people’s lives look like with kids.

Who knows what mine will look like?

No one but God.

With that, I must let go and trust that my story will be my story.

Ultrasound results-

The uterine lining is down to 4mm, oh no!

There are still 6 follicles, largest is 11mm.

What? I don’t understand. After 3 days of medication and the largest only great 1mm. This is crazy.

Now we are on day 12… eek.

I am thinking it’s too late for this cycle.

We’ve missed our chance to make these follicles large enough for ovulation.

We send the results to Dr. G and wait on them.

They didn’t get it and it’s now the close of day.

Ugh, I am so upset.

My heart is heavy as I was really hoping that we would be able to try this round.egg-freezing-img-1.jpg

Do I really have to wait another month before we can start all of this over?

I am becoming impatient.

This is when I begin to feel like I’m 2 different people.

When I’m not ‘trying’ for a baby, I’m totally ok. Loving my life, wanting to continue growing my coaching business. Things are great.

But then I get around friends who have babies, and I want to be with them in the next stage of life. I start to want a growing family.

The longing grows as I ingest medication that inevitably makes me a little nutty.

Yes, I said before that the medication didn’t have many side effects, but I’m starting to wonder if that is true. I am a little sensitive. Plus, my face is breaking out which is never a confidence booster.

We have to wait until tomorrow to hear from Dr. G.

I feel defeated.

Holy cow, what a difference a day makes.

I head off to work and leave hubby to man the phones if any news comes in from Dr. G.

I actually forgot about it as I was working with clients and engaging in self-care activities (hit up the gym, enjoyed lunch, relaxed in a massage).

On the way home, I got a call from Hubby.

“Can you swing by Safeway and pick up 4 more days’ worth of Letrozole?” He asked.

Absolutely! Game on… this cycle is not over, yippee!

I am so grateful to have Hubby, who is my partner in life, which is demonstrated through this.

He has been such a support and I appreciate him picking up medications when he’s out, talking with nurses and doctors, sending reports and encouraging me through the ups and the downs.

When thanking him, he said, “sure, you’re the one who has to go in for blood draws, ultrasounds and ingest medications.”

So, true.

We are doing this together.

Medication regime:

  • Dr. G. upped the pills to 3 a day for 4 days.

Follow up:

  • Ultrasound on day 5 of the pills (which will be day 17 of my man-made cycle)

Overjoyed that I am still in the game for this round.

God, I know you know what you’re doing. I trust this entire process is in your hands and know that you are working on my heart and in my body for the perfect little one(s) to be growing inside of me.

I pray for a healthy place for babies to grow inside of me. Prepare my body and mind for pregnancy and motherhood. I pray for healthy, full-term babies that will be able to enjoy and experience the fullness of this world and the glory and love of you God.